City’s Travel Ban Leaves Cantrell ‘Stranded Among the Masses’—Mayor Files Suit to Escape
New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell has filed a lawsuit against the city, claiming the recent travel ban forces her to endure Mardi Gras like a regular citizen—complete with bad weather and bead-throwing chaos.
CATS Drivers to Strike: Ridership Numbers to Remain Unchanged at Nearly Zero
Baton Rouge’s bus drivers are set to strike tomorrow, but officials predict no major disruptions—mostly because ridership was already nonexistent. The biggest change? The city’s empty buses just won’t be moving.
Baton Rouge Mayor Stunned by Spanish Town Parade: ‘Some Shirts Should Stay On—For Public Safety
Baton Rouge’s new mayor attended his first Spanish Town Parade expecting festive fun but instead witnessed a shocking display of topless revelers who “should’ve thought twice.” Now, he’s pushing for fitness requirements before participants remove their shirts in future parades.
Governor Landry Accidentally Catches Beads at Spanish Town Parade, Declares It ‘An Attempted Bribery’
Governor Jeff Landry caught beads at the Spanish Town Parade—then declared it a bribery attempt by The Sadvocate. He’s now pushing to ban “unapproved bead distribution” at public events.
Baton Rouge Motorists Confused as Citywide Traffic Light Failure Improves Commute
Baton Rouge drivers are experiencing an unfamiliar sensation—smooth traffic flow—after a citywide traffic light failure unexpectedly improved commute times. Officials are now questioning if broken lights are actually the most effective traffic management strategy the city has ever implemented.
Sharpton Encourages Pre-Boycott Shopping Spree, Accidentally Creates Retail Boom
Rev. Al Sharpton’s boycott plan backfired spectacularly after he urged supporters to stock up before the protest, sparking a retail boom. Stores capitalized on the rush, offering “Pre-Boycott Sales,” proving once again that economic activism and capitalism make for strange bedfellows.
Trump Kicks Zelensky Out of White House for Dressing Like an Eastern European PE Teacher
Trump abruptly ended his meeting with Zelensky, citing a serious diplomatic offense—his outfit. “He walks in dressed like a gym teacher, and I’m supposed to take him seriously?” Trump scoffed.
Bill Cassidy Posts 69% Approval Rating, Accidentally Reveals It’s From His Family Group Chat
Bill Cassidy claimed a 69% approval rating in Louisiana, but sources reveal the poll came from his family group chat. His wife and aunt approved, but his nephew replied, “Bro, be serious.” Critics note his actual support has cratered.
Baton Rouge News Stations Apologize for Skipping Spanish Town Royalty Interview: “We’ll Be Closed That Day”
For the first time in 30 years, two Baton Rouge news stations declined to interview the Spanish Town Mardi Gras Parade’s Grand Marshal, King, and Queen, citing a scheduling conflict. Their explanation? “We’ll be closed that day.” Many remain puzzled by the decision.
Baton Rouge’s New Crime-Free Neighborhood Turns Out to Just Be in Prairieville
Excitement spread through the city this week as real estate developers announced a brand-new, crime-free neighborhood, a first for Baton Rouge. The development, dubbed “Serenity Oaks,” boasts zero break-ins, no carjackings, and not a single murder since its construction.
Baton Rouge Council Feud Escalates as Both Men Demand Resignations, Agree to Settle It at Sonic
After Glasper called for Hurst’s resignation, Hurst countered by demanding Glasper resign instead. With neither budging, the feud escalated to the ultimate Baton Rouge resolution—settling it in a Sonic parking lot.
51 Public Figures Sign Letter Claiming Epstein Docs Appear to be Classic Russian Disinformation
51 high-profile figures are rushing to dismiss the Epstein documents as ‘Russian disinformation,’ urging Americans to focus on more important issues—like climate change and mean tweets. Meanwhile, the FBI has promised a full investigation… into who leaked it, not what’s in it.
Louisiana State Police Captain Demonstrates Bold New “Crash-and-Retire” Legal Strategy
A Louisiana State Police captain arrested for DWI avoided jail, skipped a mugshot, and retired hours later. Experts call it the “Crash-and-Retire” defense—where consequences vanish with a pension. Locals now wonder if this loophole applies to non-police citizens too.
Al Sharpton’s Boycott Plan: “Hurt Businesses by Spending Your Money the Day Before”
Activists plan to “cripple” corporations by buying everything the day before their boycott. “This will show them!” said one organizer, stockpiling supplies. Economists compare it to a hunger strike where you eat double the day before. CEOs remain unfazed—and wealthier.
Baton Rouge Police Turn to Bake Sales While Library Unveils $20 Million Rooftop Lounge
Struggling for funds, Baton Rouge police officers now rely on bake sales for basic gear while the library splurges on a $20 million rooftop lounge. As Oprah hosts a lavish literary soirée, officers hope their “Cookies for Kevlar” fundraiser keeps them afloat.
St. George Mayoral Candidate With Solicitation Conviction Says He’s Not Pulling Out
Jim Morgan made history as the first St. George mayoral candidate with a solicitation conviction—and now he’s refusing to pull out. With Election Day approaching, voters must decide if he’s truly committed or just sticking around for another happy ending.
Landry to Require Buc-ee’s in Lafayette to Play Trump Speeches at Gas Pumps
Louisiana’s newest Buc-ee’s won’t just offer oversized snacks and clean restrooms—it’ll now serve up 24/7 Trump speeches, thanks to Gov. Jeff Landry. Customers filling up on gas will hear classics like “We’re winning so much, you’ll get tired of winning.”
Disney Announces Louisiana Themed Attraction in Orlando
Disney has announced the opening of a new Louisiana-themed Attraction at it’s Orlando theme park
911 Calls Surge After Rare Construction Worker Sighting at Sullivan Road Project
Confused residents flooded 911 with reports of a suspicious person at the Sullivan Road project—turns out, it was a real construction worker. Mayor Wade Evans urged calm, while the police chief promised to monitor for any further “unexpected progress.”
Governor Jeff Landry Issues Executive Order Banning James Carville from Wearing LSU Gear on TV
Governor Jeff Landry has issued an executive order banning James Carville from wearing LSU gear on TV until he “stops acting insane.” Officials say Carville must prove he can do one interview without a meltdown before the ban is lifted.
Joy Reid Fired After MSNBC Discovers Most Viewers Were Satire News Writers
MSNBC canceled The ReidOut after discovering most of its audience consisted of satire writers mining Joy Reid’s monologues for content. Executives tried saving the show by asking her to be less absurd, but when she accidentally said something accurate on air, they had no choice but to pull the plug
Krewe of Brave Cave Set to Roll in Spanish Town Mardi Gras Parade
Baton Rouge’s Spanish Town Mardi Gras Parade will feature The Krewe of Brave Cave, a satirical float modeled after the city’s now-defunct interrogation facility. Complete with fake arrest warrants, broken body cameras, and evidence bags with holes, it’s even built entirely from missing police reports that were never filed. Parade rolls March 9!
Climate Activists Glue Themselves to SUVs, Accidentally Provide Free Security
SAN FRANCISCO, Ca. – group of climate activists superglued themselves to SUVs this weekend to protest fossil fuel consumption, only to inadvertently create the most effective anti-theft system ever. “I haven’t felt this secure in years,” said F-250 owner Mike Henderson. “Usually, I worry about carjackers—now I’ve got a human alarm system.” The protest quickly […]
Gavin Newsom Declares California a ‘Climate-Free Zone’ to Combat Global Warming
Governor Gavin Newsom has declared California a “climate-free zone” in a bold effort to eliminate global warming. “No climate, no climate change,” Newsom explained while banning state agencies from acknowledging heat waves, wildfires, or droughts. Meteorologists must now describe all weather as “mild and sustainable.” Critics raised concerns, but Newsom dismissed them before boarding a private jet to a climate summit.
Mayor Cantrell Seeks Solace in Maldives After Sunday Parade Cancellations, Citing ‘Emotional Distress’
As New Orleans’ Mardi Gras parades were canceled, Mayor Cantrell jetted to the Maldives, citing “emotional distress.” “I gotta keep my mental right,” she explained, while sippin’ on gin & juice.
Albany Louisiana Launches RouxTube, First Ever Streaming Gumbo Service
Albany’s RouxTube is revolutionizing home dining—gumbo straight from the tap! But with a boil advisory in place and pipes clogging with andouille, officials scramble to keep this Cajun catastrophe under control.
New Orleans Building Inspectors Awarded for Excellence in Permitting Delays
In a groundbreaking achievement for bureaucratic excellence, the New Orleans Department of Safety and Permits has been honored with the prestigious “Golden Traffic Cone Award” for their unparalleled ability to delay construction permits indefinitely.
Governor Landry Orders All State Buildings to Fly ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ Flags
Governor Jeff Landry has ordered all Louisiana government buildings to replace the state flag with the Gadsden flag, better known as the “Don’t Tread on Me” banner, calling it a “tribute to real American values.”
Mitch Landrieu’s Career Reduced to Rubble—So He Got a Job Moving It
Mitch Landrieu’s career has officially come full circle—after years of tearing things down, he’s now literally hauling away debris for a paycheck. Following his disastrous stint as co-chair of Kamala Harris’ failed campaign, Landrieu has embraced his one true skill: wrecking things, this time with a crane
Karen Bass Launches Investigation to Determine How She Became Mayor of Los Angeles
Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass, fresh off investigating how she ended up in Ghana during an emergency, has now launched a new probe—into how she became mayor at all. “I need answers,” she declared, directing her own administration to unravel the mystery of her election. Critics suggest she start with Google.