BATON ROUGE, La. – Strapped for cash, Baton Rouge police officers have resorted to weekly bake sales to afford basic necessities like body armor and working patrol cars.
“We’re hoping to raise enough for at least a few new tires,” said one officer, arranging brownies next to a jar labeled ‘Bulletproof Vests Fund’ at Police Headquarters last evening.
Meanwhile, the East Baton Rouge Library, awash in cash, is investing $20 million into a luxury rooftop reading lounge featuring an infinity pool, wine bar, and private book concierge.
At the grand opening, Oprah Winfrey is expected to attend and host a lavish literary soirée with champagne, gourmet hors d’oeuvres, and personalized leather-bound classics to be enjoyed while overlooking the skyline. Former Councilwoman C. Denise Marcelle plans to present Winfrey with a freshly sanitized key to the city—once given to R. Kelly, then revoked.
The Sadvocate offered to visit the library in person for a statement, but the director dismissed the idea as ridiculous. “Why waste time driving to a library for a statement on a piece of paper,” she scoffed, “when we could just use the internet and email it to you like civilized people do?”
Still, officers are brainstorming new fundraisers, with early ideas including “Tasers & Tarts,” where donors get a pastry and a chance to fire a training stun gun at a mannequin dressed as a city official.
