SAN FRANCISCO, Ca. – group of climate activists superglued themselves to SUVs this weekend to protest fossil fuel consumption, only to inadvertently create the most effective anti-theft system ever.
“I haven’t felt this secure in years,” said F-250 owner Mike Henderson. “Usually, I worry about carjackers—now I’ve got a human alarm system.”
The protest quickly lost momentum when activists realized they had underestimated the summer heat. “The hood of this Escalade is burning my thighs,” admitted protester Skyler Moonbeam. “And I’m pretty sure I’m permanently attached to this Jeep’s seven-slot grille.”
Police hesitated to intervene, citing the activists’ right to “peaceful adhesion.” Meanwhile, local drivers began tipping them for standing guard.
Mechanics offered removal services, but most SUV owners refused. “They’re finally doing something useful,” one driver noted.
By nightfall, activists regretted their choice. “Maybe next time, we glue ourselves to an electric scooter,” muttered one, realizing he’d become a permanent hood ornament.
