BATON ROUGE, La. – Baton Rouge Mayor Sid Edwards arrived at his first Spanish Town Parade since being sworn in, expecting colorful floats and festive fun. Instead, he was blindsided by an alarming number of topless revelers who, in his words, “should’ve given it a little more thought.”

“I’m all for people enjoying themselves, but let’s be honest—some of these folks need to reconsider their game plan before removing their jerseys,” the mayor said, still in shock. “I’ve had players benched for less.”

By Sunday morning, the mayor had drafted an emergency proposal requiring a “basic fitness assessment” for anyone planning to go shirtless at future parades. The test would include push-ups, a short jog, and a pre-parade breast examination by “That crazy sonofabitch who runs The Sadvocate and a couple of his followers.”

Despite his concerns, Spanish Town veterans shrugged off the mayor’s proposal, reminding him that “if we start regulating bad decisions, Baton Rouge would collapse overnight.”