Saints Re-Sign Clyde Edwards-Helaire After Realizing They Ran Out of Other Ideas
The Saints have re-signed Clyde Edwards-Helaire after exhausting all other options. “We thought about signing a rookie, but nostalgia won out,” said the GM. Fans remain cautiously optimistic—again.
After Latest Controversy Baton Rouge Councilman Officially Changes Name to Cleve Dunnitagain
Baton Rouge Councilman Cleve Dunn Jr., now officially Cleve Dunnitagain, adds another controversy to his list after a student collapsed at a warehouse he co-leases, raising new questions about safety and oversight.
LSU ‘Lake Bed Walking Tours’ Offer Baton Rouge Residents a Firsthand Look at Where Their Tax Dollars Went
The New ‘Lake Bed Walking Tours’ Offer Baton Rouge Residents a Firsthand Look at Where Their Tax Dollars Went, allowing guests to explore scenic dirt paths, thriving weed fields, and the remnants of government efficiency.
CATS Strike Enters Day 3 – Baton Rouge Residents Still Waiting to Be Affected
Officials say they are working toward a resolution, but at this point, they’re also considering just quietly removing the entire bus system and seeing if anyone even notices.
Governor Mandates Live Beavers at Every Louisiana Buc-ee’s, Citing Lifelong Love for Them
Governor Jeff Landry has mandated a live beaver at every Buc-ee’s in Louisiana, citing his deep, lifelong passion for beavers—one that started in college and only grew stronger.
NOAA Layoffs Change Nothing—Meteorologists Still Using ‘Partly Cloudy’ as a Safe Bet
Despite NOAA layoffs, weather forecasts remain unchanged, with meteorologists still relying on “partly cloudy” as the safest prediction. Experts assure the public that vague guesses will continue uninterrupted.
Baton Rouge Schools Announce They Will Reopen Tuesday Solely to Shut Down for Bad Weather
In a commitment to tradition, Baton Rouge schools will briefly reopen just to officially shut down for mild rain and wind. Officials insist the closure is necessary, reminding everyone that in Louisiana, it’s better to be overly cautious than slightly inconvenienced.
Baton Rouge Officials Declare Victory as Only Half of Parade-Goers Had Their Cars Broken Into This Year
Baton Rouge officials are celebrating progress after this year’s Mardi Gras parade saw “only” half of attendees’ cars broken into. Police credit the improvement to a new strategy: hoping for the best.
Blue Ghost Lands on Moon, Finds Old Movie Set from 1969 Still Intact
NASA quickly denied involvement, calling the discovery a “natural lunar formation.” Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists celebrated, declaring it undeniable proof that the moon landing was staged.
Dozens of CATS Bus Drivers Unable to Attend Their Own Strike Due to Lack of Buses
The CATS bus strike faced an unexpected challenge today—most of the striking drivers couldn’t make it to the picket line because they rely on the bus to get there.
City’s Travel Ban Leaves Cantrell ‘Stranded Among the Masses’—Mayor Files Suit to Escape
New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell has filed a lawsuit against the city, claiming the recent travel ban forces her to endure Mardi Gras like a regular citizen—complete with bad weather and bead-throwing chaos.
CATS Drivers to Strike: Ridership Numbers to Remain Unchanged at Nearly Zero
Baton Rouge’s bus drivers are set to strike tomorrow, but officials predict no major disruptions—mostly because ridership was already nonexistent. The biggest change? The city’s empty buses just won’t be moving.
Baton Rouge Mayor Stunned by Spanish Town Parade: ‘Some Shirts Should Stay On—For Public Safety
Baton Rouge’s new mayor attended his first Spanish Town Parade expecting festive fun but instead witnessed a shocking display of topless revelers who “should’ve thought twice.” Now, he’s pushing for fitness requirements before participants remove their shirts in future parades.
Governor Landry Accidentally Catches Beads at Spanish Town Parade, Declares It ‘An Attempted Bribery’
Governor Jeff Landry caught beads at the Spanish Town Parade—then declared it a bribery attempt by The Sadvocate. He’s now pushing to ban “unapproved bead distribution” at public events.
Baton Rouge Motorists Confused as Citywide Traffic Light Failure Improves Commute
Baton Rouge drivers are experiencing an unfamiliar sensation—smooth traffic flow—after a citywide traffic light failure unexpectedly improved commute times. Officials are now questioning if broken lights are actually the most effective traffic management strategy the city has ever implemented.
Sharpton Encourages Pre-Boycott Shopping Spree, Accidentally Creates Retail Boom
Rev. Al Sharpton’s boycott plan backfired spectacularly after he urged supporters to stock up before the protest, sparking a retail boom. Stores capitalized on the rush, offering “Pre-Boycott Sales,” proving once again that economic activism and capitalism make for strange bedfellows.
Trump Kicks Zelensky Out of White House for Dressing Like an Eastern European PE Teacher
Trump abruptly ended his meeting with Zelensky, citing a serious diplomatic offense—his outfit. “He walks in dressed like a gym teacher, and I’m supposed to take him seriously?” Trump scoffed.
Bill Cassidy Posts 69% Approval Rating, Accidentally Reveals It’s From His Family Group Chat
Bill Cassidy claimed a 69% approval rating in Louisiana, but sources reveal the poll came from his family group chat. His wife and aunt approved, but his nephew replied, “Bro, be serious.” Critics note his actual support has cratered.
Baton Rouge News Stations Apologize for Skipping Spanish Town Royalty Interview: “We’ll Be Closed That Day”
For the first time in 30 years, two Baton Rouge news stations declined to interview the Spanish Town Mardi Gras Parade’s Grand Marshal, King, and Queen, citing a scheduling conflict. Their explanation? “We’ll be closed that day.” Many remain puzzled by the decision.
Baton Rouge’s New Crime-Free Neighborhood Turns Out to Just Be in Prairieville
Excitement spread through the city this week as real estate developers announced a brand-new, crime-free neighborhood, a first for Baton Rouge. The development, dubbed “Serenity Oaks,” boasts zero break-ins, no carjackings, and not a single murder since its construction.
Baton Rouge Council Feud Escalates as Both Men Demand Resignations, Agree to Settle It at Sonic
After Glasper called for Hurst’s resignation, Hurst countered by demanding Glasper resign instead. With neither budging, the feud escalated to the ultimate Baton Rouge resolution—settling it in a Sonic parking lot.
51 Public Figures Sign Letter Claiming Epstein Docs Appear to be Classic Russian Disinformation
51 high-profile figures are rushing to dismiss the Epstein documents as ‘Russian disinformation,’ urging Americans to focus on more important issues—like climate change and mean tweets. Meanwhile, the FBI has promised a full investigation… into who leaked it, not what’s in it.
Louisiana State Police Captain Demonstrates Bold New “Crash-and-Retire” Legal Strategy
A Louisiana State Police captain arrested for DWI avoided jail, skipped a mugshot, and retired hours later. Experts call it the “Crash-and-Retire” defense—where consequences vanish with a pension. Locals now wonder if this loophole applies to non-police citizens too.
Al Sharpton’s Boycott Plan: “Hurt Businesses by Spending Your Money the Day Before”
Activists plan to “cripple” corporations by buying everything the day before their boycott. “This will show them!” said one organizer, stockpiling supplies. Economists compare it to a hunger strike where you eat double the day before. CEOs remain unfazed—and wealthier.
Baton Rouge Police Turn to Bake Sales While Library Unveils $20 Million Rooftop Lounge
Struggling for funds, Baton Rouge police officers now rely on bake sales for basic gear while the library splurges on a $20 million rooftop lounge. As Oprah hosts a lavish literary soirée, officers hope their “Cookies for Kevlar” fundraiser keeps them afloat.
St. George Mayoral Candidate With Solicitation Conviction Says He’s Not Pulling Out
Jim Morgan made history as the first St. George mayoral candidate with a solicitation conviction—and now he’s refusing to pull out. With Election Day approaching, voters must decide if he’s truly committed or just sticking around for another happy ending.
Landry to Require Buc-ee’s in Lafayette to Play Trump Speeches at Gas Pumps
Louisiana’s newest Buc-ee’s won’t just offer oversized snacks and clean restrooms—it’ll now serve up 24/7 Trump speeches, thanks to Gov. Jeff Landry. Customers filling up on gas will hear classics like “We’re winning so much, you’ll get tired of winning.”
Disney Announces Louisiana Themed Attraction in Orlando
Disney has announced the opening of a new Louisiana-themed Attraction at it’s Orlando theme park
911 Calls Surge After Rare Construction Worker Sighting at Sullivan Road Project
Confused residents flooded 911 with reports of a suspicious person at the Sullivan Road project—turns out, it was a real construction worker. Mayor Wade Evans urged calm, while the police chief promised to monitor for any further “unexpected progress.”
Governor Jeff Landry Issues Executive Order Banning James Carville from Wearing LSU Gear on TV
Governor Jeff Landry has issued an executive order banning James Carville from wearing LSU gear on TV until he “stops acting insane.” Officials say Carville must prove he can do one interview without a meltdown before the ban is lifted.