Baton Rouge Man Opens Used Car Lot, Names It ‘Grand Theft Auto Sales & Service’
Customers raved about the unbeatable prices at “Grand Theft Auto Sales & Service,” only to later realize they had unknowingly entered into a crime scene rather than a dealership.
Despite Losing Union Rights, TSA Assures Public That 3oz Cologne Bottles Will Still Be Treated as Explosives
Despite losing collective bargaining rights, TSA agents remain unwavering in their most sacred duty: ensuring that no traveler successfully sneaks a 3.4oz bottle of cologne past security. Because if they can’t have fair wages, neither can you have your overpriced Polo Sport.
WNBA Strike Could Lead to Record-Low Attendance—If That Were Possible
As WNBA players push for better treatment, league officials face their toughest challenge yet: convincing fans to notice the strike is happening in the first place.
Senator Cassidy’s 2026 Plan: Hope Opponent is Somehow Even Worse
Senator Bill Cassidy’s 2026 re-election strategy? Hoping his opponent is worse. With voters frustrated by both parties, Cassidy’s campaign leans on the motto: “The Devil You Know.” Will it work?
BRPD Accepts Library Bailout, Agrees to Transform Police Units Into Bookmobiles
A $25M bailout from the East Baton Rouge Library now requires BRPD to keep every patrol unit stocked with books. Judges are thrilled, as fewer arrests mean fewer criminals to process and immediately release without bond.
Baton Rouge Issues First ‘Dead or Alive’ Bounty in a Century: Local Saloons on High Alert
The U.S. Marshals’ “Wanted: Dead or Alive” alert has Baton Rouge looking like the Wild West, with locals wondering if bounty hunters will start riding into town.
Jeff Landry Forms the Imported Crustacean Enforcement (ICE) Agency to Begin Deporting Foreign Shrimp
Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry has declared war on illegal Chinese shrimp, launching the Imported Crustacean Enforcement (ICE) to raid restaurants suspected of serving non-local seafood. “This is an attack on our heritage,” he warned.
Al Green Responds to Censure by Holding Up an Uno Reverse Card on House Floor
In a stunning act of defiance, Rep. Al Green held up an Uno Reverse card after his censure, leaving Congress bewildered and questioning if House rules allowed for such a move.
City Leaders Allegedly Turning Baton Rouge Into a Parody to Undermine The Sadvocate
We figured another satire site would eventually be our biggest competition,’ The Sadvocate admitted. ‘We never expected the Baton Rouge city government to be the one putting us out of business.’
NYC Mayoral Race Heats Up: Adrienne Adams Promises to Replace ‘Chaos’ with ‘Organized Chaos’
Under Adams’ leadership, chaos in NYC won’t vanish—it’ll just be more predictable. Her new ‘Chaos Calendar’ app will notify residents of peak dysfunction hours, ensuring they plan their suffering accordingly.
Saints Re-Sign Clyde Edwards-Helaire After Realizing They Ran Out of Other Ideas
The Saints have re-signed Clyde Edwards-Helaire after exhausting all other options. “We thought about signing a rookie, but nostalgia won out,” said the GM. Fans remain cautiously optimistic—again.
LSU ‘Lake Bed Walking Tours’ Offer Baton Rouge Residents a Firsthand Look at Where Their Tax Dollars Went
The New ‘Lake Bed Walking Tours’ Offer Baton Rouge Residents a Firsthand Look at Where Their Tax Dollars Went, allowing guests to explore scenic dirt paths, thriving weed fields, and the remnants of government efficiency.
CATS Strike Enters Day 3 – Baton Rouge Residents Still Waiting to Be Affected
Officials say they are working toward a resolution, but at this point, they’re also considering just quietly removing the entire bus system and seeing if anyone even notices.
Governor Mandates Live Beavers at Every Louisiana Buc-ee’s, Citing Lifelong Love for Them
Governor Jeff Landry has mandated a live beaver at every Buc-ee’s in Louisiana, citing his deep, lifelong passion for beavers—one that started in college and only grew stronger.
NOAA Layoffs Change Nothing—Meteorologists Still Using ‘Partly Cloudy’ as a Safe Bet
Despite NOAA layoffs, weather forecasts remain unchanged, with meteorologists still relying on “partly cloudy” as the safest prediction. Experts assure the public that vague guesses will continue uninterrupted.
Baton Rouge Schools Announce They Will Reopen Tuesday Solely to Shut Down for Bad Weather
In a commitment to tradition, Baton Rouge schools will briefly reopen just to officially shut down for mild rain and wind. Officials insist the closure is necessary, reminding everyone that in Louisiana, it’s better to be overly cautious than slightly inconvenienced.
Baton Rouge Officials Declare Victory as Only Half of Parade-Goers Had Their Cars Broken Into This Year
Baton Rouge officials are celebrating progress after this year’s Mardi Gras parade saw “only” half of attendees’ cars broken into. Police credit the improvement to a new strategy: hoping for the best.
Blue Ghost Lands on Moon, Finds Old Movie Set from 1969 Still Intact
NASA quickly denied involvement, calling the discovery a “natural lunar formation.” Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists celebrated, declaring it undeniable proof that the moon landing was staged.
Dozens of CATS Bus Drivers Unable to Attend Their Own Strike Due to Lack of Buses
The CATS bus strike faced an unexpected challenge today—most of the striking drivers couldn’t make it to the picket line because they rely on the bus to get there.
CATS Drivers to Strike: Ridership Numbers to Remain Unchanged at Nearly Zero
Baton Rouge’s bus drivers are set to strike tomorrow, but officials predict no major disruptions—mostly because ridership was already nonexistent. The biggest change? The city’s empty buses just won’t be moving.
Baton Rouge Mayor Stunned by Spanish Town Parade: ‘Some Shirts Should Stay On—For Public Safety
Baton Rouge’s new mayor attended his first Spanish Town Parade expecting festive fun but instead witnessed a shocking display of topless revelers who “should’ve thought twice.” Now, he’s pushing for fitness requirements before participants remove their shirts in future parades.
Governor Landry Accidentally Catches Beads at Spanish Town Parade, Declares It ‘An Attempted Bribery’
Governor Jeff Landry caught beads at the Spanish Town Parade—then declared it a bribery attempt by The Sadvocate. He’s now pushing to ban “unapproved bead distribution” at public events.
Sharpton Encourages Pre-Boycott Shopping Spree, Accidentally Creates Retail Boom
Rev. Al Sharpton’s boycott plan backfired spectacularly after he urged supporters to stock up before the protest, sparking a retail boom. Stores capitalized on the rush, offering “Pre-Boycott Sales,” proving once again that economic activism and capitalism make for strange bedfellows.
Trump Kicks Zelensky Out of White House for Dressing Like an Eastern European PE Teacher
Trump abruptly ended his meeting with Zelensky, citing a serious diplomatic offense—his outfit. “He walks in dressed like a gym teacher, and I’m supposed to take him seriously?” Trump scoffed.
Bill Cassidy Posts 69% Approval Rating, Accidentally Reveals It’s From His Family Group Chat
Bill Cassidy claimed a 69% approval rating in Louisiana, but sources reveal the poll came from his family group chat. His wife and aunt approved, but his nephew replied, “Bro, be serious.” Critics note his actual support has cratered.
Baton Rouge News Stations Apologize for Skipping Spanish Town Royalty Interview: “We’ll Be Closed That Day”
For the first time in 30 years, two Baton Rouge news stations declined to interview the Spanish Town Mardi Gras Parade’s Grand Marshal, King, and Queen, citing a scheduling conflict. Their explanation? “We’ll be closed that day.” Many remain puzzled by the decision.
Baton Rouge’s New Crime-Free Neighborhood Turns Out to Just Be in Prairieville
Excitement spread through the city this week as real estate developers announced a brand-new, crime-free neighborhood, a first for Baton Rouge. The development, dubbed “Serenity Oaks,” boasts zero break-ins, no carjackings, and not a single murder since its construction.
51 Public Figures Sign Letter Claiming Epstein Docs Appear to be Classic Russian Disinformation
51 high-profile figures are rushing to dismiss the Epstein documents as ‘Russian disinformation,’ urging Americans to focus on more important issues—like climate change and mean tweets. Meanwhile, the FBI has promised a full investigation… into who leaked it, not what’s in it.
Louisiana State Police Captain Demonstrates Bold New “Crash-and-Retire” Legal Strategy
A Louisiana State Police captain arrested for DWI avoided jail, skipped a mugshot, and retired hours later. Experts call it the “Crash-and-Retire” defense—where consequences vanish with a pension. Locals now wonder if this loophole applies to non-police citizens too.
Al Sharpton’s Boycott Plan: “Hurt Businesses by Spending Your Money the Day Before”
Activists plan to “cripple” corporations by buying everything the day before their boycott. “This will show them!” said one organizer, stockpiling supplies. Economists compare it to a hunger strike where you eat double the day before. CEOs remain unfazed—and wealthier.