BATON ROUGE, La. – Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry has launched the Imported Crustacean Enforcement (ICE) Agency to crack down on illegal Chinese shrimp infiltrating Louisiana po’ boys, gumbos, and étouffées.
The newly formed agency wasted no time, conducting raids on restaurants suspected of harboring non-local seafood.
“This is a crisis at our borders—our restaurant borders,” Landry declared, gripping a plate of freshly confiscated shrimp. “These foreigners have infiltrated our kitchens, sneaking onto our plates, displacing honest, Louisiana-born shrimp who have been feeding our people for generations. They don’t know our waters, they don’t respect our seasoning, and frankly, they don’t belong here.”
ICE agents are using advanced verification methods, including the ‘Cash Manipulation Test’—where agents place a $100 bill in front of the shrimp. If they invest it, work hard, and turn it into $300, they’re Chinese. If they take the money and buy $80 worth of Mossy Oak clothing and $20 worth of Milwaukee’s Best beer, they’re authentic Louisiana shrimp.
Louisiana shrimpers have formed neighborhood patrols, vowing to report suspicious crustaceans. “We will not be replaced,” one shrimper declared.
Officials warn this is just the beginning. “Next, we’re investigating reports of ‘Cajun’ restaurants using cauliflower rice in their boudin. If we don’t act now, Louisiana food culture could be unrecognizable by 2030.”
