Baton Rouge Man Opens Used Car Lot, Names It ‘Grand Theft Auto Sales & Service’
Customers raved about the unbeatable prices at “Grand Theft Auto Sales & Service,” only to later realize they had unknowingly entered into a crime scene rather than a dealership.
BRPD Accepts Library Bailout, Agrees to Transform Police Units Into Bookmobiles
A $25M bailout from the East Baton Rouge Library now requires BRPD to keep every patrol unit stocked with books. Judges are thrilled, as fewer arrests mean fewer criminals to process and immediately release without bond.
Baton Rouge Issues First ‘Dead or Alive’ Bounty in a Century: Local Saloons on High Alert
The U.S. Marshals’ “Wanted: Dead or Alive” alert has Baton Rouge looking like the Wild West, with locals wondering if bounty hunters will start riding into town.
City Leaders Allegedly Turning Baton Rouge Into a Parody to Undermine The Sadvocate
We figured another satire site would eventually be our biggest competition,’ The Sadvocate admitted. ‘We never expected the Baton Rouge city government to be the one putting us out of business.’
After Latest Controversy Baton Rouge Councilman Officially Changes Name to Cleve Dunnitagain
Baton Rouge Councilman Cleve Dunn Jr., now officially Cleve Dunnitagain, adds another controversy to his list after a student collapsed at a warehouse he co-leases, raising new questions about safety and oversight.
LSU ‘Lake Bed Walking Tours’ Offer Baton Rouge Residents a Firsthand Look at Where Their Tax Dollars Went
The New ‘Lake Bed Walking Tours’ Offer Baton Rouge Residents a Firsthand Look at Where Their Tax Dollars Went, allowing guests to explore scenic dirt paths, thriving weed fields, and the remnants of government efficiency.
Baton Rouge Schools Announce They Will Reopen Tuesday Solely to Shut Down for Bad Weather
In a commitment to tradition, Baton Rouge schools will briefly reopen just to officially shut down for mild rain and wind. Officials insist the closure is necessary, reminding everyone that in Louisiana, it’s better to be overly cautious than slightly inconvenienced.
Baton Rouge Officials Declare Victory as Only Half of Parade-Goers Had Their Cars Broken Into This Year
Baton Rouge officials are celebrating progress after this year’s Mardi Gras parade saw “only” half of attendees’ cars broken into. Police credit the improvement to a new strategy: hoping for the best.
Dozens of CATS Bus Drivers Unable to Attend Their Own Strike Due to Lack of Buses
The CATS bus strike faced an unexpected challenge today—most of the striking drivers couldn’t make it to the picket line because they rely on the bus to get there.
CATS Drivers to Strike: Ridership Numbers to Remain Unchanged at Nearly Zero
Baton Rouge’s bus drivers are set to strike tomorrow, but officials predict no major disruptions—mostly because ridership was already nonexistent. The biggest change? The city’s empty buses just won’t be moving.
Baton Rouge Mayor Stunned by Spanish Town Parade: ‘Some Shirts Should Stay On—For Public Safety
Baton Rouge’s new mayor attended his first Spanish Town Parade expecting festive fun but instead witnessed a shocking display of topless revelers who “should’ve thought twice.” Now, he’s pushing for fitness requirements before participants remove their shirts in future parades.
Governor Landry Accidentally Catches Beads at Spanish Town Parade, Declares It ‘An Attempted Bribery’
Governor Jeff Landry caught beads at the Spanish Town Parade—then declared it a bribery attempt by The Sadvocate. He’s now pushing to ban “unapproved bead distribution” at public events.
Baton Rouge News Stations Apologize for Skipping Spanish Town Royalty Interview: “We’ll Be Closed That Day”
For the first time in 30 years, two Baton Rouge news stations declined to interview the Spanish Town Mardi Gras Parade’s Grand Marshal, King, and Queen, citing a scheduling conflict. Their explanation? “We’ll be closed that day.” Many remain puzzled by the decision.
Louisiana State Police Captain Demonstrates Bold New “Crash-and-Retire” Legal Strategy
A Louisiana State Police captain arrested for DWI avoided jail, skipped a mugshot, and retired hours later. Experts call it the “Crash-and-Retire” defense—where consequences vanish with a pension. Locals now wonder if this loophole applies to non-police citizens too.
Baton Rouge Police Turn to Bake Sales While Library Unveils $20 Million Rooftop Lounge
Struggling for funds, Baton Rouge police officers now rely on bake sales for basic gear while the library splurges on a $20 million rooftop lounge. As Oprah hosts a lavish literary soirée, officers hope their “Cookies for Kevlar” fundraiser keeps them afloat.
911 Calls Surge After Rare Construction Worker Sighting at Sullivan Road Project
Confused residents flooded 911 with reports of a suspicious person at the Sullivan Road project—turns out, it was a real construction worker. Mayor Wade Evans urged calm, while the police chief promised to monitor for any further “unexpected progress.”
Governor Jeff Landry Issues Executive Order Banning James Carville from Wearing LSU Gear on TV
Governor Jeff Landry has issued an executive order banning James Carville from wearing LSU gear on TV until he “stops acting insane.” Officials say Carville must prove he can do one interview without a meltdown before the ban is lifted.
Krewe of Brave Cave Set to Roll in Spanish Town Mardi Gras Parade
Baton Rouge’s Spanish Town Mardi Gras Parade will feature The Krewe of Brave Cave, a satirical float modeled after the city’s now-defunct interrogation facility. Complete with fake arrest warrants, broken body cameras, and evidence bags with holes, it’s even built entirely from missing police reports that were never filed. Parade rolls March 9!
Governor Landry Orders All State Buildings to Fly ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ Flags
Governor Jeff Landry has ordered all Louisiana government buildings to replace the state flag with the Gadsden flag, better known as the “Don’t Tread on Me” banner, calling it a “tribute to real American values.”
McKernan Splits Cost of Landry’s Jet, Gets Exclusive Rights to Aerial Advertising
Governor Jeff Landry’s new $5.5 million jet won’t just fly officials—it’ll advertise Gordon McKernan. The attorney agreed to cover half the cost in exchange for prime fuselage ad space. Critics call it absurd, but McKernan insists it’s public safety. “With all these plane crashes lately, I realized my billboards weren’t reaching people where they needed me most—the sky.” Meanwhile, rival E. Eric Guirard rejected a snack coordinator role, only to settle for changing batteries in airport marshalling wands.
EBR School Superintendent Offers Job to Alleged School Bus Thief
Today the head of EBR Schools, Lamont Cole, offered the man who is alleged to have stolen one of his school buses a job as a driver with the school system.
Baton Rouge Installs Weed Smoke Dispensers at Intersections to Maintain City’s Signature Aroma
In a bold move to preserve Baton Rouge’s distinct atmosphere, the newly elected administration has announced the installation of automated weed smoke dispensers at major intersections throughout the city.
Elon Musk Announces Plan to Colonize Siegen Lane, Says It’s More Dangerous Than Mars but Has Better Food
In an unprecedented shift from space travel, Elon Musk has announced plans to colonize Siegen Lane, citing its “hostile environment, unpredictable inhabitants, and the highest concentration of fast food restaurants per square mile outside the Deep South.”
Man Accused of Burglarizing Business Near Cortana Mall
WBRZ reports that the BRPD was sent to investigate an attempted burglary at a business near Cortana Mall recently.
BRPD Set to Commission Dozens of Parish Librarians to Respond to Emergency Calls
BATON ROUGE, La —After pushback on the mayor’s suggestion of reallocating a portion of library funds to address a police shortage and budget deficit, city officials have found a compromise: commissioning librarians and sending them out to assist the BRPD by responding to overflow calls between the hours of 9 pm and 5 am. Through […]
St. George Mayoral Candidate Demonstrates Ability to Make Problems Go Away Instantly by Deleting Tough Questions Online
In a bold display of problem-solving prowess, St. George mayoral candidate Jim Morgan has showcased his ability to make challenges disappear—by repeatedly deleting his own campaign posts when questioned by several voters.
State Rep. Larry Selders Pledges to Legalize Burnouts, DWI and Driving Under Suspension if Reelected
BATON ROUGE, La – Representative Selders was arrested in August 2022 for reckless driving, DWI, and driving under suspension. Now, he’s running on a platform to protect young men’s right to do burnouts, drive with a suspended license, and enjoy “alcohol-assisted precision driving” without government interference. Selders says Louisiana’s traffic laws unfairly target car enthusiasts. […]