Al Sharpton’s Boycott Plan: “Hurt Businesses by Spending Your Money the Day Before”
Activists plan to “cripple” corporations by buying everything the day before their boycott. “This will show them!” said one organizer, stockpiling supplies. Economists compare it to a hunger strike where you eat double the day before. CEOs remain unfazed—and wealthier.
Baton Rouge Police Turn to Bake Sales While Library Unveils $20 Million Rooftop Lounge
Struggling for funds, Baton Rouge police officers now rely on bake sales for basic gear while the library splurges on a $20 million rooftop lounge. As Oprah hosts a lavish literary soirée, officers hope their “Cookies for Kevlar” fundraiser keeps them afloat.
St. George Mayoral Candidate With Solicitation Conviction Says He’s Not Pulling Out
Jim Morgan made history as the first St. George mayoral candidate with a solicitation conviction—and now he’s refusing to pull out. With Election Day approaching, voters must decide if he’s truly committed or just sticking around for another happy ending.
Landry to Require Buc-ee’s in Lafayette to Play Trump Speeches at Gas Pumps
Louisiana’s newest Buc-ee’s won’t just offer oversized snacks and clean restrooms—it’ll now serve up 24/7 Trump speeches, thanks to Gov. Jeff Landry. Customers filling up on gas will hear classics like “We’re winning so much, you’ll get tired of winning.”
Disney Announces Louisiana Themed Attraction in Orlando
Disney has announced the opening of a new Louisiana-themed Attraction at it’s Orlando theme park
911 Calls Surge After Rare Construction Worker Sighting at Sullivan Road Project
Confused residents flooded 911 with reports of a suspicious person at the Sullivan Road project—turns out, it was a real construction worker. Mayor Wade Evans urged calm, while the police chief promised to monitor for any further “unexpected progress.”
Governor Jeff Landry Issues Executive Order Banning James Carville from Wearing LSU Gear on TV
Governor Jeff Landry has issued an executive order banning James Carville from wearing LSU gear on TV until he “stops acting insane.” Officials say Carville must prove he can do one interview without a meltdown before the ban is lifted.
Joy Reid Fired After MSNBC Discovers Most Viewers Were Satire News Writers
MSNBC canceled The ReidOut after discovering most of its audience consisted of satire writers mining Joy Reid’s monologues for content. Executives tried saving the show by asking her to be less absurd, but when she accidentally said something accurate on air, they had no choice but to pull the plug
Krewe of Brave Cave Set to Roll in Spanish Town Mardi Gras Parade
Baton Rouge’s Spanish Town Mardi Gras Parade will feature The Krewe of Brave Cave, a satirical float modeled after the city’s now-defunct interrogation facility. Complete with fake arrest warrants, broken body cameras, and evidence bags with holes, it’s even built entirely from missing police reports that were never filed. Parade rolls March 9!
Climate Activists Glue Themselves to SUVs, Accidentally Provide Free Security
SAN FRANCISCO, Ca. – group of climate activists superglued themselves to SUVs this weekend to protest fossil fuel consumption, only to inadvertently create the most effective anti-theft system ever. “I haven’t felt this secure in years,” said F-250 owner Mike Henderson. “Usually, I worry about carjackers—now I’ve got a human alarm system.” The protest quickly […]
Gavin Newsom Declares California a ‘Climate-Free Zone’ to Combat Global Warming
Governor Gavin Newsom has declared California a “climate-free zone” in a bold effort to eliminate global warming. “No climate, no climate change,” Newsom explained while banning state agencies from acknowledging heat waves, wildfires, or droughts. Meteorologists must now describe all weather as “mild and sustainable.” Critics raised concerns, but Newsom dismissed them before boarding a private jet to a climate summit.
Mayor Cantrell Seeks Solace in Maldives After Sunday Parade Cancellations, Citing ‘Emotional Distress’
As New Orleans’ Mardi Gras parades were canceled, Mayor Cantrell jetted to the Maldives, citing “emotional distress.” “I gotta keep my mental right,” she explained, while sippin’ on gin & juice.
Albany Louisiana Launches RouxTube, First Ever Streaming Gumbo Service
Albany’s RouxTube is revolutionizing home dining—gumbo straight from the tap! But with a boil advisory in place and pipes clogging with andouille, officials scramble to keep this Cajun catastrophe under control.
New Orleans Building Inspectors Awarded for Excellence in Permitting Delays
In a groundbreaking achievement for bureaucratic excellence, the New Orleans Department of Safety and Permits has been honored with the prestigious “Golden Traffic Cone Award” for their unparalleled ability to delay construction permits indefinitely.
Governor Landry Orders All State Buildings to Fly ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ Flags
Governor Jeff Landry has ordered all Louisiana government buildings to replace the state flag with the Gadsden flag, better known as the “Don’t Tread on Me” banner, calling it a “tribute to real American values.”
Mitch Landrieu’s Career Reduced to Rubble—So He Got a Job Moving It
Mitch Landrieu’s career has officially come full circle—after years of tearing things down, he’s now literally hauling away debris for a paycheck. Following his disastrous stint as co-chair of Kamala Harris’ failed campaign, Landrieu has embraced his one true skill: wrecking things, this time with a crane
Karen Bass Launches Investigation to Determine How She Became Mayor of Los Angeles
Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass, fresh off investigating how she ended up in Ghana during an emergency, has now launched a new probe—into how she became mayor at all. “I need answers,” she declared, directing her own administration to unravel the mystery of her election. Critics suggest she start with Google.
McKernan Splits Cost of Landry’s Jet, Gets Exclusive Rights to Aerial Advertising
Governor Jeff Landry’s new $5.5 million jet won’t just fly officials—it’ll advertise Gordon McKernan. The attorney agreed to cover half the cost in exchange for prime fuselage ad space. Critics call it absurd, but McKernan insists it’s public safety. “With all these plane crashes lately, I realized my billboards weren’t reaching people where they needed me most—the sky.” Meanwhile, rival E. Eric Guirard rejected a snack coordinator role, only to settle for changing batteries in airport marshalling wands.
EBR School Superintendent Offers Job to Alleged School Bus Thief
Today the head of EBR Schools, Lamont Cole, offered the man who is alleged to have stolen one of his school buses a job as a driver with the school system.
Livingston Parish Sheriff Infiltrates Exclusive Squatted Truck Club With Decoy Tahoe
In a bold operation dubbed “Half Lift Havoc,” the Livingston Parish Sheriff’s Office successfully lured dozens of squatted trucks to a snow covered Walmart parking lot by promising free unlimited Monster Energy drinks, LED light bars, and a burnout contest.
New Orleans Mayor Skips Educational Funding Meeting to Attend International Conference on Educational Funding and Transparency
n a bold display of leadership, Mayor LaToya Cantrell was notably absent from a press conference addressing the city’s $20 million settlement with the Orleans Parish School Board. Why? She was reportedly attending an International Conference on Education Funding and Transparency
DOGE LA to be Lead by Todd Graves; Vows to Reduce Spending and Restore Chicken Finger Size
Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry has tapped Raising Cane’s founder Todd Graves as the state’s first-ever Director of Government Efficiency (DOGE-LA).
BREC Offers BRPD Half of the Fuel They’ve Been Skimming for Years
BREC has generously decided to help the Baton Rouge Police Department by sharing the stolen fuel that has been being siphoned off undetected for years.
Baton Rouge Installs Weed Smoke Dispensers at Intersections to Maintain City’s Signature Aroma
In a bold move to preserve Baton Rouge’s distinct atmosphere, the newly elected administration has announced the installation of automated weed smoke dispensers at major intersections throughout the city.
New Orleans Solves Teacher Shortage by Hiring Unconvicted Felons
Struggling with failing schools and skyrocketing crime, city officials have found a two-for-one solution: hiring criminals as teachers.
LADOTD to Celebrate 30th Anniversary of Bridge Studies with Festival
The Louisiana Department of Transportation and Development (DOTD) is planning a massive festival to recognize the upcoming 30th anniversary of their ongoing Mississippi River Bridge study project, which will soon reach a staggering $150 million in expenses.
New Orleans Mayor Names Bourbon Street Hustler as Tourism Ambassador During Paris Gala
Mayor LaToya Cantrell has outdone herself, naming Danette Colbert, the infamous “Bourbon Street Hustler,” as New Orleans’ new Tourism Ambassador during a bougie, taxpayer-funded soirée at the Palace of Versailles.
Elon Musk Announces Plan to Colonize Siegen Lane, Says It’s More Dangerous Than Mars but Has Better Food
In an unprecedented shift from space travel, Elon Musk has announced plans to colonize Siegen Lane, citing its “hostile environment, unpredictable inhabitants, and the highest concentration of fast food restaurants per square mile outside the Deep South.”
Death Row Inmates in Louisiana Now Have Two Choices: Lethal Injection or the DMV
Louisiana has announced a new execution method, giving inmates two grim options: lethal injection or attempting to renew their driver’s license at the Department of Motor Vehicles on Independence Blvd until they finally die waiting in line.
Man Accused of Burglarizing Business Near Cortana Mall
WBRZ reports that the BRPD was sent to investigate an attempted burglary at a business near Cortana Mall recently.