City Declares State of Emergency After Discovering 85% of Baton Rouge’s Beer Consumed in One Morning
Baton Rouge officials declared a state of emergency after the Wearin’ of the Green Parade, delayed to Sunday, led to an unexpected crisis—85% of the city’s beer supply was consumed before noon, leaving desperate parade-goers bartering for booze with beads and turtles.
St. George Candidates Scrap Election, Opt for Cage Matches Instead
With scandals, hookers, salary demands, and government structure disputes causing chaos in St. George, candidates have found a simple solution: ditch democracy and throw hands. The first municipal leadership determined by knockout might actually be the most efficient.
Jimmy Hoffa Located After Being Stuck in Baton Rouge Traffic for 50 Years
Officials confirm Jimmy Hoffa’s disappearance wasn’t mob-related—he’s just been waiting for Baton Rouge traffic to clear since 1975. Found trapped between an SUV with a Tiger tail and a Nissan Altima blasting “Neck,” his story is a true Louisiana tragedy.
Mayor Cantrell Promises to Reverse Population Decline by Arresting Anyone Caught Packing Moving Boxes
As New Orleans’ population plummets, Mayor Cantrell refuses to take the blame. Instead, she’s cracking down on the real problem—people trying to leave. At a press conference before boarding a flight to Dubai, she assured residents, “Ain’t nobody escaping on my watch.”
Livingston Parish Burglars Blame Economy After Breaking Into Cars and Finding Nothing but Trash
Local burglars say the struggling economy is making their jobs harder, as Livingston Parish cars now hold nothing but disappointment, unpaid parking tickets, and melted ChapStick. “At least leave a working charger,” one thief begged.
DOGE’s Audit of New Orleans Halted After Team Gets Carjacked by 14-Year-Olds
DOGE’s attempt to audit New Orleans ended abruptly when their government vehicle was stolen. Mayor Cantrell shrugged it off, calling it “just kids bein’ kids.”
Local Porch Pirates Upset After Learning Most of the Packages They Stole Were Just Amazon Returns
A group of criminals in Baton Rouge were left in shock after realizing their stolen packages contained nothing but Amazon returns—half-used air fryers, mismatched socks, and phone chargers nobody wanted.
Mayor Cantrell Confuses Fifth Amendment With a Fifth of Hennessy at Hearing
Mayor Cantrell shocked legal experts when she pleaded the Fifth during an NOPD hearing—only to later clarify she was actually talking about the fifth of Hennessy she drank beforehand.
New Orleans Residents Flee in Droves—City Officials Blame ‘Unrealistic’ Expectations for Basic Services
New Orleans leaders insist the real issue isn’t the mass exodus—it’s that residents just don’t appreciate the authentic experience of dodging carjackers and overpaying for broken infrastructure.
New Orleans Officials Warn ‘No Alcohol Reimbursements’ Could Cripple City’s Bribe Negotiations
The New Orleans City Council may finally cut off taxpayer-funded booze tabs, a move some say will cripple deal-making. “We might actually have to govern sober,” one official muttered.
Jeff Landry Wants Remote Workers Back in the Office—Because Nothing Boosts Productivity Like Baton Rouge Gridlock
Gov. Jeff Landry has declared war on remote work, forcing thousands of state employees back into Louisiana’s soul-crushing traffic. Because nothing says “efficiency” like a two-hour commute on cratered highways.
Officials Baffled as ‘No Raises for Teachers’ Signs Work While ‘No Weapons’ Signs Fail
Baton Rouge schools have cracked the code: If only “Gun-Free Zone” signs worked as well as “No Raises for Teachers” signs, crime would be nonexistent. Officials consider bigger fonts as a solution.
Insurance Commissioner Suggests LA Homeowners Should ‘Stop Being Poor’ If They Want Affordable Coverage
Louisiana’s Insurance Commissioner has a solution for skyrocketing rates: Stop being poor. Officials suggest homeowners “get creative” by inheriting wealth, starting side hustles, or simply accepting financial ruin with grace.
St. George Mayoral Candidate Reveals his ‘Leadership, Legislation and Lap Dances’ Plan
ST. GEORGE, La. – St. George mayoral candidate Jim Morgan, whose past legal troubles include a guilty plea for solicitation, is now ready to bring his firsthand experience to city leadership. At a forum last night, inside the unfinished VIP lounge of his proposed St. George gentlemen’s club, Morgan unveiled his bold economic recovery plan, […]
Governor Declares ‘No Corruption Month’ to Give Politicians a Break from Bribery Investigations
BATON ROUGE, La. – In a groundbreaking move to boost morale among Louisiana’s elected officials, Governor Jeff Landry has declared April as No Corruption Month, a period during which all bribery, embezzlement, and ethics investigations will be put on hold. “We recognize that our public servants work tirelessly,” Landry stated. “It’s only fair they get […]
Gov. Landry Makes Crawfish Tax Exempt, Doubles Taxes on Vegan Food—Offers Protesters a Crawfish Boil
Gov. Jeff Landry’s latest proposal eliminates taxes on crawfish while doubling them on vegan food, sparking outrage and a protest. To soothe tensions, he’s hosting a crawfish boil—right outside the protest.
Escaped Inmate Calls 911 After Ending Up on Siegen Lane, Begs to Return to Prison
A work-release inmate’s escape ended in sheer terror when he found himself on Siegen Lane, surrounded by vagrants, impromptu street vendors, and unlicensed security guards. In fear, he called 911—begging to go back to prison.
Southern University Abandons Menstruating Men Project, Launches Critical Study on How Water Actually Makes You Thirstier
After Trump axed Southern University’s $600K transgender menstrual study, the school swiftly pivoted to groundbreaking research proving water causes dehydration—finally exposing Big Water’s sinister agenda once and for all.
Baton Rouge’s New Traffic Congestion Museum Lets Residents Relive Daily Gridlock
Experience the joy of Baton Rouge traffic without ever turning on your car! The city’s new Traffic Congestion Museum lets visitors relive gridlock, road rage, and endless detours—all from a stationary seat.
Mayor Cantrell Declares D.C. a Suburb of New Orleans to Circumvent Travel Ban
Facing a travel ban, Mayor Cantrell found a loophole—simply redefining Washington, D.C. as part of New Orleans. Meanwhile, locals worry DA Jason Williams might start dropping charges for Congress members.
NOPD Launches ‘Catch and Release’ Program for Store Clerks Attempting to Defend Themselves
NOPD’s new “Catch and Release” policy ensures store clerks who defend themselves face immediate legal consequences—while armed robbers get a lecture, a free Uber ride, and a city-sponsored second chance.
New Orleans Celebrates 20-Year Anniversary of Abandoned Six Flags Park by Finally Noticing It’s Still There
The rusted roller coasters of New Orleans’ abandoned Six Flags have outlasted most local roads, public transit, and political careers. The city is now considering branding it a “historic ruin.”
LSU Launches Degree in Political Corruption Studies to Prepare Future Leaders
LSU’s new Political Corruption Studies program embraces Louisiana’s rich legacy of backroom deals, offering courses like the Edwin Edwards Election Manipulation Masterclass and the William Jefferson ‘Cold Cash’ Seminar.
Trump to Ukraine: ‘You Can Pay for Weapons with Trump NFTs, Very Valuable!’
In what might be the boldest financial strategy since Trump Steaks, former President Donald Trump has proposed that Ukraine pay for U.S. military aid using Trump NFTs. While President Zelenskyy was reportedly ‘unimpressed,’ insiders claim Putin is considering investing—just in case they skyrocket in value.
CATS Strike Ends, Officials Still Recommend Leaving for Work a Day Early
After striking for better wages and conditions, CATS drivers have returned—but with fewer buses running than ever, some passengers wonder if the strike ever really ended. Meanwhile, customer service remains unavailable, as the hotline operators are still waiting for a bus to get to work.
Saints QB Derek Carr Agrees to Pay Cut After Watching a Highlight Reel of Last Season
Derek Carr has officially taken a pay cut, proving once and for all that even quarterbacks can feel guilt after watching themselves complete six-yard passes on 3rd-and-12.
Baton Rouge Introduces Brave Cave Escape Room Experience for Tourists
Baton Rouge’s Brave Cave Escape Room lets visitors experience the thrill of escaping a secretive police facility—without legal representation. The highlight? Guests get to turn off their escort’s body cam first.
Baton Rouge Man Opens Used Car Lot, Names It ‘Grand Theft Auto Sales & Service’
Customers raved about the unbeatable prices at “Grand Theft Auto Sales & Service,” only to later realize they had unknowingly entered into a crime scene rather than a dealership.
Despite Losing Union Rights, TSA Assures Public That 3oz Cologne Bottles Will Still Be Treated as Explosives
Despite losing collective bargaining rights, TSA agents remain unwavering in their most sacred duty: ensuring that no traveler successfully sneaks a 3.4oz bottle of cologne past security. Because if they can’t have fair wages, neither can you have your overpriced Polo Sport.
WNBA Strike Could Lead to Record-Low Attendance—If That Were Possible
As WNBA players push for better treatment, league officials face their toughest challenge yet: convincing fans to notice the strike is happening in the first place.