BATON ROUGE, La. – Dozens of Louisiana postal workers rallied this week to protest the potential privatization of the United States Postal Service, warning that such a move could lead to a horrifying new era of efficiency.

“We’ve built a proud tradition of delivering birthday cards two weeks late and jury duty notices after the trial ends,” said one local mail carrier, visibly shaken. “If some private company comes in and starts making us deliver things on time, what’s next? Smiling at customers?”

Union leaders say privatization threatens the USPS’s core values: vague tracking updates, lost packages, and a customer service hotline that doubles as a test of spiritual endurance.

“People say the mail is unreliable,” one protestor shouted, “but it’s consistently unreliable. That’s government work!”

Organizers say they mailed a formal protest letter to Congress—estimated delivery date: 2027. Or whenever Mercury’s in retrograde.