NEW ORLEANS, La. – After years of dramatic speeches, lawsuits, and teary-eyed monologues about the dangers of gerrymandering, Louisiana Democrats announced today that gerrymandering is actually “totally fine now.”
“Turns out the real problem with gerrymandering was just who was doing it,” said a Louisiana Democrat spokesperson, unveiling a voting map that looks like it was drawn by a Roomba that got distracted and started chasing a cat on meth.
The newly redrawn districts conveniently link all blue voters in south Louisiana via a 400-mile, 10-foot-wide corridor that runs from New Orleans to Shreveport.
Party officials defended the map as “values-based gerrymandering,” a term they reportedly invented during brunch. “Look, it only feels shady when it doesn’t work,” said one strategist while casually deleting old tweets about election integrity.
When asked how the new map squares with years of fiery opposition to gerrymandering, one DNC aide paused, shrugged, and said, “Context matters. Back then, we were getting crushed.” He then clarified that the party remains deeply committed to fair elections — just not the kind where they lose.
In the end, officials urged voters to stop obsessing over the shape of the districts and instead appreciate “the intention behind the lines,” which they insist were guided by justice — not just a cartographer running on gas station coffee and blind optimism.
Party leaders assured reporters the map was “technically legal” and “emotionally accurate,” which, they argued, is what matters most in modern democracy.
