BATON ROUGE, La. – Governor Jeff Landry has officially declared a state of emergency after touring a Louisiana OMV office and discovering the agency still runs entirely on Windows 95 and a single fax machine from 1987.

“I thought they were joking when they said CTRL+ALT+DEL fixed everything,” said Landry, visibly shaken. “Turns out, that is their IT department.”

The state’s vehicle registration system crashed earlier this week, halting essential services like license renewals, title transfers, and printing those weird little stickers no one understands.

Sources say employees have been resorting to carbon copy forms and yelling “BEEP BOOP” while pretending to scan documents.

Landry has ordered emergency upgrades, which include the installation of Windows XP “by early 2026.”

Meanwhile, National Guard troops have been deployed to hand out clipboards, keep the peace in line, and teach residents how to sign their names in cursive.

Officials urge patience, saying a functioning OMV “was never promised in the Constitution.”