BATON ROUGE, La. – In an astonishing new move to improve “transparency,” the Baton Rouge division of the U.S. Postal Service has updated its tracking system to better reflect reality. Customers checking the USPS app will no longer receive vague messages like “In Transit” or “Out for Delivery.” Instead, they’ll be greeted with a single laughing emoji instead.
“We wanted to manage expectations,” said a spokesperson while gently kicking a pile of unscanned boxes behind the Bluebonnet location. “If your package made it past I-10, that’s already a miracle.”
The update comes just days after a package containing a firearm mysteriously vanished from a Baton Rouge facility—an event so common, locals barely raised an eyebrow.
USPS Baton Rouge has long been plagued by rumors of black holes in sorting rooms, portal mishaps, and packages achieving sentience before escaping.
“We may lose your package,” the spokesperson added, “but at least now you’ll get closure. Sort of.”
