BRPD Accepts Library Bailout, Agrees to Transform Police Units Into Bookmobiles
A $25M bailout from the East Baton Rouge Library now requires BRPD to keep every patrol unit stocked with books. Judges are thrilled, as fewer arrests mean fewer criminals to process and immediately release without bond.
Baton Rouge Issues First ‘Dead or Alive’ Bounty in a Century: Local Saloons on High Alert
The U.S. Marshals’ “Wanted: Dead or Alive” alert has Baton Rouge looking like the Wild West, with locals wondering if bounty hunters will start riding into town.
Jeff Landry Forms the Imported Crustacean Enforcement (ICE) Agency to Begin Deporting Foreign Shrimp
Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry has declared war on illegal Chinese shrimp, launching the Imported Crustacean Enforcement (ICE) to raid restaurants suspected of serving non-local seafood. “This is an attack on our heritage,” he warned.
NYC Mayoral Race Heats Up: Adrienne Adams Promises to Replace ‘Chaos’ with ‘Organized Chaos’
Under Adams’ leadership, chaos in NYC won’t vanish—it’ll just be more predictable. Her new ‘Chaos Calendar’ app will notify residents of peak dysfunction hours, ensuring they plan their suffering accordingly.
Buc-ee’s Unveils $82M Travel Center Plan—State Officials Wonder If It’s Too Late to Ask for a Loan
Buc-ee’s is investing $82 million in Lafayette, leaving Louisiana officials wondering if they can borrow some cash to fix crumbling roads. At this point, the beaver might be the state’s best planner.
NOAA Layoffs Change Nothing—Meteorologists Still Using ‘Partly Cloudy’ as a Safe Bet
Despite NOAA layoffs, weather forecasts remain unchanged, with meteorologists still relying on “partly cloudy” as the safest prediction. Experts assure the public that vague guesses will continue uninterrupted.
Baton Rouge Schools Announce They Will Reopen Tuesday Solely to Shut Down for Bad Weather
In a commitment to tradition, Baton Rouge schools will briefly reopen just to officially shut down for mild rain and wind. Officials insist the closure is necessary, reminding everyone that in Louisiana, it’s better to be overly cautious than slightly inconvenienced.
Baton Rouge Officials Declare Victory as Only Half of Parade-Goers Had Their Cars Broken Into This Year
Baton Rouge officials are celebrating progress after this year’s Mardi Gras parade saw “only” half of attendees’ cars broken into. Police credit the improvement to a new strategy: hoping for the best.
Blue Ghost Lands on Moon, Finds Old Movie Set from 1969 Still Intact
NASA quickly denied involvement, calling the discovery a “natural lunar formation.” Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists celebrated, declaring it undeniable proof that the moon landing was staged.
Dozens of CATS Bus Drivers Unable to Attend Their Own Strike Due to Lack of Buses
The CATS bus strike faced an unexpected challenge today—most of the striking drivers couldn’t make it to the picket line because they rely on the bus to get there.
City’s Travel Ban Leaves Cantrell ‘Stranded Among the Masses’—Mayor Files Suit to Escape
New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell has filed a lawsuit against the city, claiming the recent travel ban forces her to endure Mardi Gras like a regular citizen—complete with bad weather and bead-throwing chaos.