ST. GEORGE, La. – After weeks of mudslinging, social media meltdowns, and political chaos, the candidates for St. George’s first-ever municipal election have decided to ditch the ballot box and settle things like true Louisianians—inside a steel cage.

The decision follows mounting controversy, including allegations of deleted posts, conflicting government structure proposals, and campaign promises that range from dubious to outright delusional. The mayoral race, in particular, has been a spectacle, with one candidate, Jim Morgan, admitting to a 1997 guilty plea for soliciting a prostitute before abruptly pulling out of the race—only to re-enter days later, proving once and for all that commitment just isn’t his strong suit, while another contender faces backlash for wanting a salary higher than the governor’s.

“Why waste time with debates when we can just punch it out?” said one council candidate while doing push-ups in a parking lot. The event, dubbed Fight for the Future, will feature a series of no-rules cage matches to determine the city’s leadership, with winners securing their seats by knockout or submission.

Mayoral Candidate Jim Morgan has already begun interviewing potential ring girls for the event, stating that his “extensive experience in the field of picking out a scantily dressed female to pay for her services” makes him the most qualified candidate for the job. “I just want to make sure everything is done professionally,” he added, before excusing himself to take a very important call from an “old acquaintance.”