NEW ORLEANS, La. – New Orleans leaders have finally figured out why the city’s population is plummeting: residents expect way too much. With crime, potholes, and insurance rates skyrocketing, city officials insist the real problem isn’t mismanagement—it’s that people just aren’t tough enough anymore.
“You want safe streets, affordable housing, and power that doesn’t go out when the wind blows? Get real,” said one councilmember, sipping a taxpayer-funded cocktail. “This isn’t Disneyland—it’s authentic New Orleans living.”
City Hall has vowed to address the issue—not by fixing anything, but by launching an awareness campaign urging residents to “lower their standards” and “toughen up.” Meanwhile, moving companies report record profits as former locals flee to places where trash collection is more than a suggestion.
Mayor Cantrell made it clear that New Orleans isn’t for the weak. She brushed off concerns about the population decline, saying if people can’t handle the occasional carjacking, rent higher than Snoop Dogg, and a water bill that costs more than their car note, then they just ain’t built for the Big Easy. She added that folks need to “quit all that cryin’” because “real New Orleanians know how to dodge potholes, side-step crime, and hustle up that rent money. That’s just part of the culture, baby.”
