BATON ROUGE, La. – The decades-long mystery of Jimmy Hoffa’s disappearance has finally been solved—he never left Baton Rouge. Officials discovered the missing union leader inside a rusted-out 1974 Gran Torino on South Acadian, where he had been sitting in traffic since 1975, thanks to an unholy mashup of LSU’s baseball sweep over Missouri and a rowdy St. Patrick’s Day parade crowd.
The discovery was made after parade-goers noticed a suspiciously vintage vehicle wedged between an SUV with a tiger tail and a Nissan Altima blasting “Neck.” Hoffa was stunned to learn LSU had won multiple championships and that the new Mississippi River Bridge—the second “new” one—still isn’t finished.
“I tried to take a side street, but it was worse,” Hoffa said, adjusting his polyester suit. “The cops told me it would clear up soon. That was 50 years ago.”
Hoffa recalled that by 2017, he was getting carjacked at least twice a month near Tigerland on Nicholson. However, he never bothered reporting it since the carjackers could never escape due to gridlock. “They’d get frustrated, ditch the car, and take off on foot,” Hoffa chuckled. “I’d just climb back in and wait for traffic to inch forward again.”
As Hoffa’s Gran Torino was finally freed from the LSU traffic nightmare, he breathed a sigh of relief and merged onto I-10—only to slam on the brakes again at the College Drive flyover construction.
Mayor Sid Edwards, dodging questions about the city’s nonexistent traffic plan due to the LSU game coinciding with the parade, hailed Hoffa’s survival as “proof that Baton Rouge grit beats infrastructure.”
