Sharpton Encourages Pre-Boycott Shopping Spree, Accidentally Creates Retail Boom
Rev. Al Sharpton’s boycott plan backfired spectacularly after he urged supporters to stock up before the protest, sparking a retail boom. Stores capitalized on the rush, offering “Pre-Boycott Sales,” proving once again that economic activism and capitalism make for strange bedfellows.
Trump Kicks Zelensky Out of White House for Dressing Like an Eastern European PE Teacher
Trump abruptly ended his meeting with Zelensky, citing a serious diplomatic offense—his outfit. “He walks in dressed like a gym teacher, and I’m supposed to take him seriously?” Trump scoffed.
Bill Cassidy Posts 69% Approval Rating, Accidentally Reveals It’s From His Family Group Chat
Bill Cassidy claimed a 69% approval rating in Louisiana, but sources reveal the poll came from his family group chat. His wife and aunt approved, but his nephew replied, “Bro, be serious.” Critics note his actual support has cratered.
Baton Rouge News Stations Apologize for Skipping Spanish Town Royalty Interview: “We’ll Be Closed That Day”
For the first time in 30 years, two Baton Rouge news stations declined to interview the Spanish Town Mardi Gras Parade’s Grand Marshal, King, and Queen, citing a scheduling conflict. Their explanation? “We’ll be closed that day.” Many remain puzzled by the decision.
Baton Rouge’s New Crime-Free Neighborhood Turns Out to Just Be in Prairieville
Excitement spread through the city this week as real estate developers announced a brand-new, crime-free neighborhood, a first for Baton Rouge. The development, dubbed “Serenity Oaks,” boasts zero break-ins, no carjackings, and not a single murder since its construction.
51 Public Figures Sign Letter Claiming Epstein Docs Appear to be Classic Russian Disinformation
51 high-profile figures are rushing to dismiss the Epstein documents as ‘Russian disinformation,’ urging Americans to focus on more important issues—like climate change and mean tweets. Meanwhile, the FBI has promised a full investigation… into who leaked it, not what’s in it.
Louisiana State Police Captain Demonstrates Bold New “Crash-and-Retire” Legal Strategy
A Louisiana State Police captain arrested for DWI avoided jail, skipped a mugshot, and retired hours later. Experts call it the “Crash-and-Retire” defense—where consequences vanish with a pension. Locals now wonder if this loophole applies to non-police citizens too.
Al Sharpton’s Boycott Plan: “Hurt Businesses by Spending Your Money the Day Before”
Activists plan to “cripple” corporations by buying everything the day before their boycott. “This will show them!” said one organizer, stockpiling supplies. Economists compare it to a hunger strike where you eat double the day before. CEOs remain unfazed—and wealthier.
Baton Rouge Police Turn to Bake Sales While Library Unveils $20 Million Rooftop Lounge
Struggling for funds, Baton Rouge police officers now rely on bake sales for basic gear while the library splurges on a $20 million rooftop lounge. As Oprah hosts a lavish literary soirée, officers hope their “Cookies for Kevlar” fundraiser keeps them afloat.
St. George Mayoral Candidate With Solicitation Conviction Says He’s Not Pulling Out
Jim Morgan made history as the first St. George mayoral candidate with a solicitation conviction—and now he’s refusing to pull out. With Election Day approaching, voters must decide if he’s truly committed or just sticking around for another happy ending.
Landry to Require Buc-ee’s in Lafayette to Play Trump Speeches at Gas Pumps
Louisiana’s newest Buc-ee’s won’t just offer oversized snacks and clean restrooms—it’ll now serve up 24/7 Trump speeches, thanks to Gov. Jeff Landry. Customers filling up on gas will hear classics like “We’re winning so much, you’ll get tired of winning.”
Disney Announces Louisiana Themed Attraction in Orlando
Disney has announced the opening of a new Louisiana-themed Attraction at it’s Orlando theme park
Governor Jeff Landry Issues Executive Order Banning James Carville from Wearing LSU Gear on TV
Governor Jeff Landry has issued an executive order banning James Carville from wearing LSU gear on TV until he “stops acting insane.” Officials say Carville must prove he can do one interview without a meltdown before the ban is lifted.
Krewe of Brave Cave Set to Roll in Spanish Town Mardi Gras Parade
Baton Rouge’s Spanish Town Mardi Gras Parade will feature The Krewe of Brave Cave, a satirical float modeled after the city’s now-defunct interrogation facility. Complete with fake arrest warrants, broken body cameras, and evidence bags with holes, it’s even built entirely from missing police reports that were never filed. Parade rolls March 9!
Climate Activists Glue Themselves to SUVs, Accidentally Provide Free Security
SAN FRANCISCO, Ca. – group of climate activists superglued themselves to SUVs this weekend to protest fossil fuel consumption, only to inadvertently create the most effective anti-theft system ever. “I haven’t felt this secure in years,” said F-250 owner Mike Henderson. “Usually, I worry about carjackers—now I’ve got a human alarm system.” The protest quickly […]
Gavin Newsom Declares California a ‘Climate-Free Zone’ to Combat Global Warming
Governor Gavin Newsom has declared California a “climate-free zone” in a bold effort to eliminate global warming. “No climate, no climate change,” Newsom explained while banning state agencies from acknowledging heat waves, wildfires, or droughts. Meteorologists must now describe all weather as “mild and sustainable.” Critics raised concerns, but Newsom dismissed them before boarding a private jet to a climate summit.
Albany Louisiana Launches RouxTube, First Ever Streaming Gumbo Service
Albany’s RouxTube is revolutionizing home dining—gumbo straight from the tap! But with a boil advisory in place and pipes clogging with andouille, officials scramble to keep this Cajun catastrophe under control.
New Orleans Building Inspectors Awarded for Excellence in Permitting Delays
In a groundbreaking achievement for bureaucratic excellence, the New Orleans Department of Safety and Permits has been honored with the prestigious “Golden Traffic Cone Award” for their unparalleled ability to delay construction permits indefinitely.
Ascension Parish President Slaps Baton Rouge With 25% Tariff
GONZALES, La – Ascension Parish officials have announced a sweeping new tariff on Baton Rouge residents crossing parish lines, citing an “unfair trade imbalance” between the two communities. “We’re tired of overcrowded schools, packed restaurants, and reckless drivers behind the wheels of those damned Nissan Altimas from Baton Rouge,” said Ascension Parish President Clint Cointment. […]