New Orleans DA Lands Emmy Nomination for Best Performance in Fictional Trial Series
Move over, ‘Law & Order’—New Orleans has rolled out its own courtroom drama, complete with imaginary proceedings, ghost witnesses, and a DA who now has more in common with actors than attorneys
Drivers Say They’ll Stop Crashing in St. George to Protest Privatized Accident Reporting
Several drivers have pledged to no longer crash their vehicles within St. George city limits, citing the recent privatization of accident response as a “personal insult to inefficient public service.”
New BREC Leader Says She’s Open to All Ideas Except the Good Ones
BREC’s new superintendent is making the rounds to “listen,” but sources say she’s mostly just nodding politely and jotting down synonyms for “no.”
NOLA DA Jason Williams Hosts Fake Press Conference to Defend Fake Trials
Orleans DA Jason Williams is under fire for allegedly engineering “fake trials”—so naturally, he held a press conference in front of a vinyl backdrop labeled “Totally Real Justice Building” to set the record straight… or at least crooked in a new way.
New 19th JDC Loyalty Program Lets Frequent Defendants Earn Points Toward Next Bond
A new “My19th Rewards” program is letting frequent Baton Rouge defendants earn bond points with every arrest. Court officials say it’s a way to “modernize the experience,” though critics call it a rewards system for repeat offenders. Even murder charges can now earn double points.
U.S. Conference of Mayors Demands to Know Why LaToya Cantrell Has Been Spending So Much Time in New Orleans
The U.S. Conference of Mayors has filed a complaint against Mayor LaToya Cantrell—not for leaving town, but for staying in it.
EMS Ambulance Thief Beats All Previous Response Times—Immediately Hired as Supervisor
EBR EMS just promoted a guy who stole one of their ambulances—because he only hit two cars and got there faster than anyone else on staff.
LADOTD Launches Study to Investigate Why Previous Studies Haven’t Studied Anything Yet
The LADOTD is now studying the studies about the new Mississippi River bridge—because apparently the only thing getting built in Louisiana is bureaucracy.
‘I’d Rather Do Time Than Eat Texas Gumbo’ – Massey on Why He Never Left Louisiana
Massey, the fugitive who refused to flee, said the thought of tasteless gumbo across state lines was too much. “It ain’t worth it,” he told deputies.
New Orleans Escapee Caught After Binging Shawshank Redemption on Jail’s Wi‑Fi and Netflix Account
After six weeks on the run, Massey was undone by his commitment to streaming jailbreak films on the jail’s own Wi-Fi connection.
Landry Removes Dead People from Welfare Rolls, Inadvertently Wipes Out a Third of Democratic Voters
Governor Jeff Landry’s push to purge the dead from Louisiana’s welfare rolls has sparked unintended political fallout—namely, the accidental removal of one of the state’s most loyal Democratic voting blocs: the deceased.
Attorney General Files 34-Page Lawsuit Against CVS Using 23 Foot Long Receipt Paper
Attorney General Liz Murrill filed a 34-page lawsuit against CVS on a single, unbroken 23-foot CVS receipt, citing it as “the only paper long enough to capture all the corporate hypocrisies.”
‘I’ll Sign Any Insurance Bill,’ Says Governor Who Immediately Doesn’t
Louisiana’s governor promised to sign “any” insurance bill—then vetoed the first one that reached him. Homeowners are left with high premiums and higher blood pressure.
Fugitive Antoine Massey Enters Orleans Sheriff Race, Promises to Catch Himself Within First 100 Days in Office
Still at large but polling higher than the current sheriff, Antoine Massey has officially entered the Orleans Parish sheriff’s race. His platform? Fixing the same system he broke out of—and pledging to catch himself “within the first 100 days in office.”
EBR Declares All City Buildings Condom-Free in Wake of Latest Chauna Banks Scandal
After Councilman Anthony Kenney accused former councilwoman Chauna Banks of planting a condom in his office, EBR responded by banning condoms from all city buildings. Banks denies the act, claiming she doesn’t even prefer using them.
BREC Launches Virtual Waterpark Experience to Offset Lifeguard Deficit at Liberty Lagoon
Amid a lifeguard shortage, BREC is rolling out their new “Virtual Swim Experience” at Liberty Lagoon this summer.
Criminals Across Louisiana Shocked to Learn They Were Supposed to Leave Guns at Home During Parades
Lawmakers in Louisiana are trying to legalize guns at parades—much to the confusion of criminals, who just found out they were already banned. “Wait, there were rules?” asked one stunned offender, reaching for another set of beads and possibly a Glock.
Legislature: No Handheld Phones While Driving—But You May Continue Eating and Applying Eyeliner
Lawmakers have outlawed holding a phone while driving, but activities like juggling a burger, yelling at kids, and selecting the perfect playlist remain perfectly legal. Critics say the law tackles one distraction while turning a blind eye to the daily chaos that is Louisiana commuting.
Mayor Claims Canada Trip Was Response to Tip About Orleans Jail Escapee Spotted Near Convention Center
Mayor Cantrell says her trip to Canada wasn’t a vacation—it was a “rapid-response mission” after receiving an anonymous tip about a fugitive near a Toronto convention center. She declined to alert authorities, claiming, “I had my city-issued binoculars. I was ready.”
Trump Pardons NBA YoungBoy, Asks Him to Drop Diss Track on Letitia James
Former President Donald Trump stunned the political world again—this time by pardoning rapper NBA YoungBoy and immediately asking him to “spit some heat” aimed at New York Attorney General Letitia James, one of Trump’s most persistent legal adversaries.
Prop Stop Owner Sends Cease & Desist Letter to Everyone Fishing on Tickfaw With Worms
Prop Stop owner Kathy isn’t just guarding her signature cocktail—she’s declared legal war on worms themselves. After trademarking “Worm Bucket,” she’s now targeting fishermen along the Tickfaw for daring to use actual worms in water. You can’t make this up… but she just did.
Escapee’s Mom Arrested After Sending “Y’all Be Safe” Text to Entire Escapee Group Chat
Orleans Parish officials have arrested a mother for sending a supportive “Y’all be safe” text to a group chat tied to a jail escape. Authorities say it amounts to aiding and abetting—because in Louisiana, even moral support can land you a seat in the back of a squad car.
New Roads PD Clarifies ‘Guns for Cash’ Program Wasn’t Meant for Department-Issued Weapons
A fired officer claims he thought the city’s “Guns for Cash” program applied to everyone—especially those with easy access to the inventory. City Hall has since clarified: it does not.
New Orleans Judge Named Honorary VP of Sales at Ankle Monitor Company
In a seamless blend of justice and salesmanship, a New Orleans judge has been named honorary VP at the ankle monitor company he keeps “accidentally” recommending to defendants. Conflict of interest? Only if you’re poor.
Inmates Break Back Into Orleans Parish Jail, Say Streets of New Orleans “Way Too Dangerous”
After escaping from the parish lock up, a group of inmates stunned officials by breaking back into Jail—claiming the streets of New Orleans were “way too dangerous.”
New Orleans DA Suggests Letting Escapees Finish Sentences via Zoom to Free Up Police Resources
Orleans DA Jason Williams is now offering escaped inmates the option to finish their sentences via Zoom—eliminating the need for costly manhunts while maintaining “virtual accountability.” Weekly check-ins and slideshow consequences included. Attendance optional, rehabilitation assumed.
State Rep Kyle Green Jr. Wins ‘Worst Take Your Kids to Work Day’ Performance by a Landslide
State Rep. Kyle Green Jr. turned Take Your Kids to Work Day into a crash course—literally—landing himself in jail after a DWI arrest with his children in the car.
Livingston Parish Sheriff Transfers Deputy’s Boating DWI Arrest to Nonexistent Sea Division
When a Livingston Parish deputy was arrested for boating under the influence, the Sheriff’s Office quietly assigned the case to its “Sea Division.” The only problem? It doesn’t exist.
LSU Board Unanimously Selects Dr. Geoffry Landreau as New President
LSU’s newly appointed president, Dr. Geoffry Landreau, has announced a bold new vision: energy firm partnerships, a Buc-ee’s on campus, and a Trump statue—because nothing says higher education like brisket, branding, and oil diplomacy.
New Orleans District Attorney Accidentally Hires One of the Escaped Inmates as Assistant DA
In a development somehow both shocking and on-brand, the New Orleans DA’s office admitted it mistakenly hired one of the escaped inmates as a new Assistant District Attorney