COVINGTON, LA – With his political future coming to an abrupt en, U.S. Senator Bill Cassidy has reportedly signed a lucrative post-Senate NIL deal with a Covington retirement community worth up to $400 in early-bird buffet credits and unlimited shuffleboard access.
According to sources familiar with the agreement, Cassidy chose the Northshore facility over several competing offers after being presented with a compensation package that also includes preferred seating at bingo night, a complimentary commemorative coffee mug, and priority access to the community’s monthly seafood buffet.
Community administrators praised Cassidy as a perfect fit for their aging roster of residents.
“We’re always looking for experienced individuals who enjoy discussing politics from fifteen years ago, reminding everyone they used to work in Washington, and being in bed by 7:30,” said one representative. “Bill checked every box.”
The agreement reportedly contains several performance incentives, including additional buffet credits for attending resident meet-and-greets and a bonus if he can successfully explain to at least three residents why voting to convict Donald Trump was somehow a good idea.
Cassidy’s retirement community recruitment drew interest from facilities across Louisiana, though many say the promise of unlimited shuffleboard and a reserved seat near the dessert station ultimately sealed the deal.
The senator is expected to make his official retirement community debut shortly after leaving office, where residents will welcome him with a ceremonial golf cart parade through the facility.
Cassidy’s contract includes access to a golf cart parking space widely considered the most coveted perk in the community.
