LIVINGSTON, LA – State officials announced an emergency closure of several Livingston Parish waterways Friday after routine testing detected what experts described as “dangerously elevated concentrations of Natty Light.”
According to the report, samples collected from multiple locations along the Tickfaw River and Diversion Canal showed beer levels far exceeding what regulators consider normal for Louisiana waterways.
“We expect to find some Natty Light this time of year,” said Sheriff Jason Ard. “But when the river itself starts testing colder than the beer being carried on the boats, that’s when we have a problem.”
Biologists were reportedly alarmed after several fish were observed congregating around floating ice chests wearing rebel flag dew rags. One smaller bass was even found trying to convince a much larger female bass to “come back to his place.”
Officials stressed that the closure is temporary while crews work to dilute the affected waterways with additional water.
Local residents expressed skepticism over the findings.
“Seems normal to me,” said one boater while unloading three coolers and a portable blender. “If anything, the river tasted a little watered down last weekend.”
Authorities expect the waterways to reopen once Natty Light concentrations fall below the state’s recreational beer threshold.
