Rock the Country Tour to Skip Louisiana Following Reports Jeff Landry Wants Live Texas Steer at Shows
Festival organizers confirmed Louisiana was removed from the tour after reports surfaced that state officials wanted a live Texas steer roaming concert crowds to “restore authenticity.”
Jeff Landry Orders Cajun Navy on Standby After Hearing British Troops Might Be Headed to Greenland
The governor’s office said no deployment orders exist yet, but volunteers were encouraged to prepare boats, cold-weather gear, and the confidence required to arrive before anyone asks for help.
Former Louisiana House Speaker Pleads Not Guilty to Artifact Theft, Cites State’s Longstanding Tradition Of Losing Things
A courtroom plea meets Louisiana tradition, as a former House Speaker’s defense points to the state’s long history of misplacing things and acting surprised when someone notices.
Jeff Landry Volunteers to Run Venezuela for Trump, Appoints Nungesser to Handle “That Greenland Thing” For Him
Governor Jeff Landry reportedly offered to run Venezuela, while casually assigning Billy Nungesser to handle Greenland.
State Rep. Paula Davis’ Farewell Party Gets “Accidentally” Scheduled at Louisiana Democratic Party Headquarters
Republican voters finally found common ground with one of her decisions, and the farewell party location may have said the quiet part out loud.
Group Studying Mississippi River Bridge Feasibility Now Tasked With Reviewing U.S.–Greenland Connection at Landry’s Direction
Louisiana officials confirmed the Mississippi River bridge study group has been instructed by Jeff Landry to expand its scope internationally, adding a preliminary review of a possible bridge connecting the U.S. to Greenland.
Jeff Landry Mandates Live Polar Bears Appear at All Future Greenland Football Games, Calls It “Tradition-Building”
Greenland tried football without traditions. Jeff Landry fixed that by mandating live polar bears on the sidelines, proving Louisiana solutions work everywhere, regardless of climate, common sense, or liability laws.
Landry Signs Executive Order to Build Tony Chachere’s Distribution Center in Greenland After Discovering Food There Has “No Real Seasoning”
Louisiana Gov. Jeff Landry signed an executive order exporting Tony Chachere’s to Greenland after determining the region’s cuisine lacked seasoning, heat, and any understanding of what “make it taste right” means.
As Newly Appointed Envoy to Greenland, Jeff Landry Immediately Demands to See Their Football Coaching Contract
Newly appointed Greenland envoy Jeff Landry reportedly stalled diplomatic talks after demanding football contracts and gumbo before determining whether Greenland was ready for serious engagement.
Louisiana Lawmakers Learn Most 13-Year-Olds Do Not Own Government-Issued Identification
A federal judge reminded Louisiana lawmakers that children are, legally and practically, children, ending a social media law that required 13-year-olds to present IDs they do not have.
After Surf Lake Backlash, Central Mayor Announces Even Bigger $400 Million Casino Resort Project
Critics laughed at Central’s surf lake plan. The mayor responded by casually announcing a $400 million casino instead. Problem solved.
After Baton Rouge and New Orleans Tour, ICE Agents Request Transfer to “Something Calmer,” Like Gaza
ICE agents say Gaza “seems peaceful” after spending several days in Baton Rouge and New Orleans, citing South Louisiana’s unique blend of traffic, politics, and Dodge Chargers driving recklessly.
NOLA Residents Rally Against ICE, Fear Safer Streets Could Lead to Higher Rent and Fewer Viral Carjacking Videos
Protestors in New Orleans came out in the rain this week, not to oppose crime, but to defend it from ICE. Locals say safer streets could ruin the city’s “authentic experience.”
CATS CFO Quits Amid Pressure To Explain Why a $30 Million Budget Only Produces Two Working Buses
The former CATS CFO resigned after being asked to justify how a thirty million dollar budget results in fewer operational buses than most school field trips.
Mayor-Elect Says No One Told Her Who the Blue-Uniformed People Are, Despite News Confirming They’re the NOPD
The mayor-elect says she has “zero official information” on officers in blue uniforms, despite every news outlet confirming they’re the police.
LSU Board Grants President Rousse Power to Fire Any Coach Who Tries to Speak With a Fake Louisiana Accent
LSU’s new rule lets the president fire any coach who tries out a fake Louisiana accent, a policy clearly inspired by one very memorable “faaaam-uh-leeeee” moment.
Nungesser Slams Operation Swamp Sweep, Says It Threatens His Sacred Ritual of Eating Every Fried Thing in Sight
Lt. Gov. Billy Nungesser slammed the federal “Operation Swamp Sweep” crackdown, warning it could jeopardize his nonstop tradition of sampling every deep-fried object in Louisiana.
Saban Rumors Fly After He’s Spotted at Baton Rouge DMV, Fans Later Learn He’s Still In Line Waiting For His 2004 Renewal
Nick Saban’s quiet appearance at the Baton Rouge DMV sent LSU fans spiraling, only for officials to reveal he’s been stuck in the same line since 2004.
Councilman Graves in Zachary Requests Streets Dept. Provide a Map of All Hyperlinks in the City
A simple proposal to add hyperlinks to ordinance drafts collapsed into confusion when Councilman James Graves asked the city to “chart out where the hyperlinks physically run.”
Denham Springs Council Approves Convention Center, Prohibits Any Conventions From Taking Place Inside
The Denham Springs City Council approved a new $45 million convention center, but made sure to prohibit any conventions from actually taking place inside.
LSU Reaches Deal With Brian Kelly: One Free Caniac Combo Per Month Through 2035
LSU avoided a $54 million payout by giving Brian Kelly a free Caniac Combo once a month for ten years. Baton Rouge calls it “the most Louisiana settlement ever.”
Louisiana Treasurer Forms Task Force to Review Citizens’ Facebook Posts Before Releasing Unclaimed Property
Louisiana Treasurer John Fleming has reportedly formed a task force to screen citizens’ Facebook posts before releasing their unclaimed property, assigning each a “Patriot Score” based on online behavior.
Cleo Fields Buys U-Haul Stock Ahead of NYC Election, Cites “Another Lucky Guess”
Congressman Cleo Fields once again nails the timing, this time betting big on U-Haul right before New Yorkers start planning their exits.
LSU Press Conference Tablecloth Enters Transfer Portal After Being Blamed for Program’s Image Problems
LSU’s press conference tablecloth has officially entered the transfer portal after being blamed for the school’s latest optics crisis, citing “unrealistic expectations” and “a toxic work environment.”
Helena Moreno Says No to Fiscal Oversight: “We’re Not Ready for That Kind of Stability Yet”
New Orleans leaders withdrew their $125M bond request, rejecting state oversight as “too stabilizing for our culture of chaos.”
Governor Jeff Landry Issues Executive Order Requiring All Sadvocate Articles Be Approved by His Office Before Publication
Louisiana’s new Department of Satirical Oversight will reportedly review The Sadvocate’s headlines for “heresy, sarcasm, and unnecessary references to Cane’s sauce.”
LSU Appoints DOTD Head to Oversee Brian Kelly Buyout, Guarantees It’ll Drag Out Until at Least 2034
LSU has turned to the one Louisiana agency truly qualified to stretch a project beyond all reason: DOTD. Officials say the buyout should be complete just in time for Kelly’s grandchildren to receive the final payment.
Governor’s Mansion Expansion Includes Cane’s Dining Hall, Dedicated Drive Thru Lane for Political Allies
Governor Jeff Landry unveiled plans for a Raising Cane’s expansion at the Louisiana Governor’s Mansion, complete with portraits, a Cane’s Sauce fountain, and a “Leadership Combo” meal that comes with a key to his private hunting camp. The drive-thru will reportedly serve “political allies first.”
LSU Fraternities Shocked to Learn They’re Responsible for Everything Bad That Happens Within a Two-Mile Radius
After two shootings involving non-students, Louisiana’s Senate President called for a ban on fraternity tailgating, prompting students to wonder if they’d soon be blamed for traffic, humidity, or the Saints’ offensive line.
Senator Hodges Urges Citizens to Report Chemtrails, UFOs, and Anyone Claiming The Earth is Round
Louisiana Senator Valarie Hodges has expanded her chemtrail concerns to include UFOs and “dangerous misinformation” suggesting the Earth is round.