BATON ROUGE, LA – Sources close to Bill Cassidy confirmed Tuesday that the senator’s reelection campaign has purchased the infamous “flashy thing” memory-erasing device from Men in Black in what aides are calling “a more efficient approach to voter outreach.”
According to campaign insiders, the device will be used primarily at Republican events where attendees may still vaguely remember Cassidy’s impeachment vote, various bipartisan deals, and several interviews that caused conservative talk radio hosts to briefly pass out from elevated blood pressure.
“We tested traditional messaging, campaign ads, and pretending certain interviews never happened,” one staffer explained. “This just seemed faster.”
Witnesses at a recent town hall claim Cassidy paused mid-speech, pulled a small silver device from his pocket, and instructed the audience to “look directly at the light if you support conservative values.” Moments later, several attendees reportedly applauded while asking who exactly Cassidy was running against.
Republican voters leaving the town hall said they couldn’t remember why they were upset, but still felt strangely compelled to donate $125 to the campaign.
