Baton Rouge Criminals Unionize, Demand Safer Working Conditions Amid Crime Surge
Local criminals in Baton Rouge have unionized, demanding “safer working conditions” and protection from fellow criminals during robberies.
State Legislators Suggest City-Parish Takeover of CATS, Citing Their Expertise in Going Nowhere
Local leaders promise big transit upgrades, starting with the important stuff—like a new logo and committee meetings. The only physical improvement so far? A brand-new bus stop surrounded by caution tape and bulldozers.
Postal Workers Fear Privatization Could Force Them to Deliver Mail in a Timely Manner
USPS employees in Baton Rouge are warning the public that if the mail starts arriving on time, Americans may begin to trust institutions again—a dangerous precedent no one is ready for.
Gov. Landry Declares State of Emergency After Discovering LA DMV Still Running on Windows 95
After a catastrophic OMV system crash halted basic services statewide, Gov. Landry took action—by declaring a state of emergency and vowing to upgrade to Windows XP… in just one more year.
Louisiana Adds Bridge Collapse Simulator to Driver’s Ed Curriculum Amid Recent Bridge Condition Report
Following a report warning that eight Louisiana bridges are at risk of collapse, DOTD is preparing young drivers with a new Bridge Collapse Simulator featuring freefall training, panic management, and a bonus round where students write their own obituary.
Former Mayor Shocked That St. George Organizers Listened to her and Formed City, Considers Suing Herself
Former Mayor Sharon Weston Broome is reportedly stunned to learn that the organizers of St. George actually listened to her advice from 2012. Now, after suing to stop what she set in motion, she may consider legal action against herself.
Greenpeace to Be Inducted into Oil Hall of Fame for Unrivaled Financial Support
Greenpeace is set to be inducted into the Oil Industry Hall of Fame after a $667 million court-ordered payment made it the biggest financial backer of fossil fuels this century. Oil executives call it “the most unexpected show of support in industry history.”
Mayor Cantrell Asks School Board if They’ll Take a Post-Dated $10 Million Check for Payment
After being ordered to pay $10 million to the Orleans Parish School Board, Mayor LaToya Cantrell reportedly handed over a post-dated check, reassuring officials, “Y’all don’t run that yet, I’m waiting on my taxes to hit, k?” The school board is still considering its options.
Gonzales City Council Fears Shorter Work Week Could Lead to Dangerous Levels of Employee Satisfaction
After rejecting a four-day work week, Gonzales officials assured residents they were protecting the town from radical concepts like work-life balance. “If people want more time off, they should consider getting elected,” one council member allegedly muttered.
EBR Parish Prison Inmates Request Transfer to Mosquito Control Facility, Citing Better Living Conditions
Baton Rouge inmates are demanding a transfer—not to another prison, but to the city’s high-tech mosquito control facility, which boasts air conditioning, working plumbing, and walls that don’t threaten to collapse. “Must be nice to be a can of pesticide,” one inmate said.
Baker School Board Sues BESE: We Don’t Need Your Help Running These Schools Into the Ground
The Baker School Board has filed a lawsuit against BESE, citing concerns that any state intervention might accidentally lead to improvement. “Our parents expect a certain level of dysfunction, and we intend to deliver.”
Mayor Cantrell Sues for Right to Govern New Orleans from Anywhere But New Orleans
Mayor LaToya Cantrell isn’t letting a little thing like governing New Orleans stop her from living her best life. Now, she’s suing the City Council, arguing that restricting her taxpayer-funded vacations is an unjust attack on her leadership.