ATLANTA, GA – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention confirmed Tuesday that a newly identified “cicada variant” of COVID-19 appears to emerge every 17 years, coinciding precisely with the arrival of millions of screaming insects determined to make outdoor life unbearable.
Officials say the variant, informally labeled “Brood XVII,” presents with mild respiratory symptoms, confusion, and an overwhelming sense that something is wrong, though no one can quite hear themselves think long enough to confirm it.
“We’re seeing a clear overlap between peak cicada activity and people suddenly feeling unwell,” said one CDC spokesperson, pausing briefly as a loud buzzing sound filled the room. “At this point, we cannot rule out the possibility that the noise itself is a symptom.”
Residents across multiple states report experiencing headaches, fatigue, and a growing resentment toward trees. Meanwhile, cicadas have shown no concern, continuing their usual cycle of emerging, screaming, and immediately dying.
Health officials recommend remaining indoors until both the insects and the variant “finish whatever this is.”
