Mayor Cantrell Sues for Right to Govern New Orleans from Anywhere But New Orleans
Mayor LaToya Cantrell isn’t letting a little thing like governing New Orleans stop her from living her best life. Now, she’s suing the City Council, arguing that restricting her taxpayer-funded vacations is an unjust attack on her leadership.
Secret Service No Longer Required to Carry Narcan After Hunter Biden’s Security Detail Gets the Axe
With Hunter Biden’s Secret Service detail officially cut, agents no longer have to carry Narcan “just in case.” Insiders say the biggest cost savings won’t be from medical supplies—but from emergency dry cleaning and last-minute hotel damage deposits.
Audit Finds Thrive Academy’s Hiring Process Consisted of Asking ‘You Good?’ and Moving On
Baton Rouge’s Thrive Academy believes in a ‘gut feeling’ approach to hiring, skipping traditional steps like resumes, references, and background checks. According to an audit, one teacher openly admitted, “I ain’t too good with numbers,” but still landed the math job.
City Declares State of Emergency After Discovering 85% of Baton Rouge’s Beer Consumed in One Morning
Baton Rouge officials declared a state of emergency after the Wearin’ of the Green Parade, delayed to Sunday, led to an unexpected crisis—85% of the city’s beer supply was consumed before noon, leaving desperate parade-goers bartering for booze with beads and turtles.
St. George Candidates Scrap Election, Opt for Cage Matches Instead
With scandals, hookers, salary demands, and government structure disputes causing chaos in St. George, candidates have found a simple solution: ditch democracy and throw hands. The first municipal leadership determined by knockout might actually be the most efficient.
Jimmy Hoffa Located After Being Stuck in Baton Rouge Traffic for 50 Years
Officials confirm Jimmy Hoffa’s disappearance wasn’t mob-related—he’s just been waiting for Baton Rouge traffic to clear since 1975. Found trapped between an SUV with a Tiger tail and a Nissan Altima blasting “Neck,” his story is a true Louisiana tragedy.
Mayor Cantrell Promises to Reverse Population Decline by Arresting Anyone Caught Packing Moving Boxes
As New Orleans’ population plummets, Mayor Cantrell refuses to take the blame. Instead, she’s cracking down on the real problem—people trying to leave. At a press conference before boarding a flight to Dubai, she assured residents, “Ain’t nobody escaping on my watch.”
Livingston Parish Burglars Blame Economy After Breaking Into Cars and Finding Nothing but Trash
Local burglars say the struggling economy is making their jobs harder, as Livingston Parish cars now hold nothing but disappointment, unpaid parking tickets, and melted ChapStick. “At least leave a working charger,” one thief begged.
DOGE’s Audit of New Orleans Halted After Team Gets Carjacked by 14-Year-Olds
DOGE’s attempt to audit New Orleans ended abruptly when their government vehicle was stolen. Mayor Cantrell shrugged it off, calling it “just kids bein’ kids.”
Local Porch Pirates Upset After Learning Most of the Packages They Stole Were Just Amazon Returns
A group of criminals in Baton Rouge were left in shock after realizing their stolen packages contained nothing but Amazon returns—half-used air fryers, mismatched socks, and phone chargers nobody wanted.
Mayor Cantrell Confuses Fifth Amendment With a Fifth of Hennessy at Hearing
Mayor Cantrell shocked legal experts when she pleaded the Fifth during an NOPD hearing—only to later clarify she was actually talking about the fifth of Hennessy she drank beforehand.
New Orleans Residents Flee in Droves—City Officials Blame ‘Unrealistic’ Expectations for Basic Services
New Orleans leaders insist the real issue isn’t the mass exodus—it’s that residents just don’t appreciate the authentic experience of dodging carjackers and overpaying for broken infrastructure.