DA Launches ‘Text-a-Judge’ Program to Pre-Dismiss Cases Before Wasting Time on Investigations
The East Baton Rouge DA’s Office is piloting a new system that lets prosecutors text mugshots and case summaries directly to judges for instant dismissal decisions. Critics say it bypasses due process, but officials call it “a more efficient path to disappointment.”
Chase Through West Baton Rouge Marks First Time in Years a School Bus Has Run on Time
In a rare display of punctuality, a Louisiana man stole a school bus and led police on a multi-parish chase—marking the first time in recent memory that a bus actually showed up on schedule.
State Celebrates 50 Years of Monitoring Capitol Lake Toxicity by Adding a New Sign
After decades of toxic buildup and government foot-dragging, Louisiana finally acknowledged Capitol Lakes with something tangible: a new sign that warns residents the water is dangerous—just in a more “official” font.
REAL ID Deadline Extended After Officials Discover Baton Rouge OMV Still Processing 2019 Walk-Ins
In an effort to help Louisianans still stuck in the OMV system, the REAL ID deadline has been extended—especially for those who walked in during 2019 and never left.
Louisiana Voters Encouraged To Support Tax Renewals So Parish Can Upgrade To Newer Excuses
Officials claim tax renewals are needed to “modernize messaging,” allowing parishes to replace outdated excuses with cutting-edge budgetary jargon. Voters, however, appear unconvinced that they should fund better ways to be told “we can’t fix that.”
Governor Landry Thanks Giacometto for Turning DEQ into a Case Study on Employee Turnover
In a uniquely optimistic spin, Governor Landry praised Giacometto’s legacy of mass resignations at DEQ, calling it “streamlined workforce development” and noting she left behind “a more breathable office and several thousand unread emails.”
New Reality Series ‘So You Think You Can Judge?’ Pilots in Baton Rouge
Baton Rouge’s 19th Judicial District Court is now the surprise setting of So You Think You Can Judge?, a new reality show where judges compete to keep their robes while dodging ethical complaints. So far: one fake law, one fake Army rank, and a very real insurance scam.
May Day Protest At State Capitol Hijacked by Group Demanding Bigger Chicken Strips at Cane’s
The protest started with chants against authoritarianism and ended with handmade signs demanding full-sized chicken fingers. While some came to challenge Trump-era policies, most left questioning how Cane’s manages to charge $11 for what one marcher called “two and a half glorified chicken crayons.”
LSU Student Designs AI to Prevent Wrecks—It Just Keeps Recommending ‘Move Out of Baton Rouge’
While some hoped LSU’s AI would revolutionize traffic safety, it instead took one look at Florida Boulevard and immediately scheduled its own out-of-state transfer. LADOTD remains optimistic, calling the results “unexpectedly accurate.”
NOLA Council Approves Road Repair Plan After Accidentally Clicking ‘Accept All’ on Budget Proposal
The New Orleans City Council accidentally approved a $2 billion, multi-decade road plan after clicking “Accept All” on a shared budget doc. The plan includes street repairs, new task forces, and a consultant called The Asphalt Whisperer. Officials say it’s “probably fine.”
Bear Spotted Recently in Livingston Parish Checks Into Rehab After Week-Long Meth Bender
The black bear spotted in Livingston Parish has officially checked into rehab after a week-long meth binge. Rehab staff say the bear, now toothless with one gold incisor, insists on being called “Cooter” and believes he’s engaged to Waffle House waitress named Crystal.
Orange Soda Spill in Baton Rouge Triggers Kel-Level Panic Among Drivers
A truck spilled crates of orange soda across a busy Baton Rouge intersection, causing traffic chaos, a swarm of bees, and at least one man to scream, “Kel would’ve died here!” Cleanup was delayed due to excessive 90s nostalgia reenactments.
West Baton Rouge Pursuit Ends Peacefully as Suspect Chooses Jail Over I-10 Bridge at 4PM
A high-speed chase ended when the suspect saw he was approaching the I-10 bridge at 5 p.m. and voluntarily surrendered. Deputies say the man weighed jail time against Baton Rouge traffic and made what they’re calling “the sane choice.”
EBR School Superintendent Announces Realignment Plan: ‘Fewer Schools, Same Problems’
The East Baton Rouge School Board has officially voted to consolidate campuses in a move they claim will solve financial issues — while leaving academic and disciplinary problems delightfully untouched. Officials promise “fewer schools, same headaches” by the start of the next school year.
LA Governor’s Mansion to Be Rebuilt in Mississippi After Insurance Renewal Hits All-Time High
Louisiana officials confirmed plans to relocate the Governor’s Mansion to Woodville, Mississippi, citing skyrocketing insurance costs and a flood risk so high it required evacuation drills. A spokesperson said the move was necessary to avoid “financial ruin,” adding that Woodville offers better drainage — and easier access to Illusions, the town’s lone gentleman’s club.
Barge Captain Dodges Stray Bullet, Heroically Fails to Dodge Baton Rouge
Two barges grounded near LSU after eyewitnesses say the captain swerved to dodge a stray bullet. Officials confirm the bullet missed — unlike Baton Rouge’s reputation for “challenging” river navigation.
New Orleans Tenants Consider Charging Rats Rent After Management Refuses to Act
When an apartment complex refused to address its growing rodent problem, New Orleans tenants found a new solution: invoice the rats for back rent.
Subway Employees at University of Arkansas Launch ‘Walk-On’ Football Tryouts to Avoid Paying State Taxes
At the University of Arkansas, Subway employees have launched a “Walk-On Football Tryout” program, hoping to dodge taxes just like their athlete classmates. Catching cold cuts may soon be considered a varsity skill under new NIL-inspired rules.
Baker Developers Celebrate New Subdivision Approval by Launching First Neighborhood Canoe Club
Baker developers celebrated the greenlight for a new Comite Drive subdivision by launching the area’s first official Canoe Club, promising homeowners both a sense of community and a reliable flood survival plan.
Migrant Disappears from Wisconsin Courthouse, Judge Suggests “Maybe He Just Needed Some Air”
A Massachusetts courthouse found itself under scrutiny after a migrant mysteriously slipped out during a hearing, allegedly with the quiet approval of the presiding judge. ICE agents scrambled to locate the missing individual, while courthouse staff largely shrugged. Officials are now reviewing whether future hearings should include escape drills as part of standard courtroom procedure.
New Orleans Saints Draft QB with More Degrees Than Touchdowns
In a bold academic pivot, the Saints drafted Tyler Shough—a quarterback who spent so long in college he was nearly awarded Professor Emeritus status. Team officials praised his leadership, maturity, and ability to survive cafeteria food, declaring him fully prepared for life in the NFC South.
Addis Town Council Arrives at Meeting by Boat to Approve Another Massive Neighborhood
Floodwaters covered much of Addis Thursday, but not even waist-deep water could stop the council from approving another major neighborhood. Officials praised their resilience while residents joked that new homeowners should receive kayaks instead of house keys.
DOTD to Launch ‘Bridge Survivor Bootcamp’ at Collapsed Casino Bridge Site in BR
DOTD is taking action after the casino bridge collapse—sort of. The new “Bridge Survivor Bootcamp” will train Louisiana drivers to navigate unstable structures before they collapse.
19th JDC Hires The Sadvocate Editors to Assist Judges With Future Fake Laws
In Louisiana, satire is no longer commentary—it’s now part of the sentencing process. The 19th Judicial District Court has tapped The Sadvocate to assist in the creation of legally dubious but emotionally satisfying fake charges, citing a judge’s prior use of “misdemeanor malfeasance” as proof of the site’s accidental influence.
New College Drive Exit Ramp Promises ‘Faster Access to Traffic You Already Hate’
After years of construction delays and driver complaints, Baton Rouge has unveiled its new College Drive exit ramp—just in time to funnel commuters into the same traffic they’ve always loathed. DOTD says it will “dramatically enhance the experience of going nowhere,” promising faster access to brake lights, honking, and existential regret.
River Bend Nuclear Plant Replaces Emergency Sirens with Facebook Posts Nobody Will See
The River Bend Nuclear Plant has traded its decades-old emergency sirens for Facebook posts, assuming a potential meltdown won’t get lost between crawfish boil photos and conspiracy memes. Officials say this modern approach will “streamline communication,” though critics argue it mostly streamlines the odds of everyone dying while waiting for their newsfeed to refresh.
BREC Officials Admit They Forgot About Central’s Parks, Cite ‘Map Was Folded Over’
BREC officials admitted this week they forgot Central had parks at all, blaming a decades-old map with a crease over the area. As Central moves to reclaim control, BREC insists on keeping fuel allocations for parks it neglected—citing audit traditions. Locals just want kids to stop needing tetanus shots after going down the slide.
Watson Woman Claims Bear Was Her Ex in Disguise Trying to See the Kids Again
A Watson woman insists the bear spotted near her home was actually her ex-husband in disguise, trying to see their kids. “I knew it was him by the way he shuffled,” she said. Deputies couldn’t confirm either way, but she’s filed a restraining order—against the bear, just in case.
Ford Now Selling F-150 Raptors to China as ‘Luxury Housing Units on Wheels’ to Skirt Tariff Rules
In response to China’s crushing 150% tariffs on U.S. vehicles, Ford has rebranded its F-150 Raptor trucks as “Luxury Housing Units” to bypass import taxes. The new classification allows the massive pickups to enter the country under affordable housing exemptions, prompting applause from developers and confusion from housing regulators.
DA’s Office Seeks Taxpayer Funding to Help Judges Release Violent Criminals More Efficiently
Baton Rouge voters are being asked to fund the DA’s office with $1.5 million so it can file charges judges have no intention of honoring. The goal? Faster turnaround times for the city’s most efficient revolving door: the 19th Judicial District Court.