Guaranty Media Celebrates 100 Years by Sharing Its First-Ever News Story: New Mississippi River Bridge Planned
To mark 100 years in Baton Rouge, Guaranty Media looked back at its very first news story, a timeless classic announcing a new Mississippi River bridge that is still, somehow, being planned.
LaToya Cantrell Says City Password List Was Left in Dubai, Requests One Final City-Funded Trip to Retrieve It
Former New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell says the city’s password list is in Dubai and requests one last city-funded trip to retrieve it.
Louisiana Officials Confirm Calling to Report a Hands-Free Violation is Also a Hands-Free Violation
Louisiana officials confirmed that calling police to report a hands-free driving violation also counts as a hands-free violation, effectively ensuring every concerned citizen remains equally guilty.
After Surf Lake Backlash, Central Mayor Announces Even Bigger $400 Million Casino Resort Project
Critics laughed at Central’s surf lake plan. The mayor responded by casually announcing a $400 million casino instead. Problem solved.
Brian Kelly Offers to Coach ‘One Last Game’ After Reading About the Texas Bowl’s Cougar Hospitality Suite
Brian Kelly has decided he’s not quite done at LSU, and it definitely has nothing to do with the Texas Bowl’s Cougar Hospitality Suite.
New Orleans Residents Oppose ICE, Worried That Accountability Could Spread to Other Parts of Government
Protesters promised to return as long as law enforcement continues threatening the city’s long-standing tradition of low expectations.
Todd Graves and Gordon McKernan Race to File for Sole Custody of Lane Kiffin in Baton Rouge City Court
Lane Kiffin hasn’t even landed in Louisiana, but that didn’t stop two of Baton Rouge’s biggest personalities from sprinting to City Court to claim exclusive custody rights before the ink on his contract even dries.
CATS CFO Quits Amid Pressure To Explain Why a $30 Million Budget Only Produces Two Working Buses
The former CATS CFO resigned after being asked to justify how a thirty million dollar budget results in fewer operational buses than most school field trips.
Jeff Landry and LSU AD Plan to Camp Outside Jimmy Sexton’s Office Hoping to Snag a Black Friday Doorbuster Deal on Kiffin
Governor Jeff Landry and LSU’s AD will camp outside Jimmy Sexton’s office later this week, hoping to snag Lane Kiffin at a Black Friday doorbuster rate.
Saban Rumors Fly After He’s Spotted at Baton Rouge DMV, Fans Later Learn He’s Still In Line Waiting For His 2004 Renewal
Nick Saban’s quiet appearance at the Baton Rouge DMV sent LSU fans spiraling, only for officials to reveal he’s been stuck in the same line since 2004.
Moreno Expresses Concern That Federal Raids May Create an “Unwelcoming Atmosphere” for Criminals in New Orleans
Councilwoman Helena Moreno warned that federal raids could create an “unwelcoming atmosphere” for New Orleans criminals, arguing the city has spent years cultivating a space where offenders can operate freely.
Governor Jeff Landry Issues Executive Order for ‘Keep Tiger Town Beautiful’ to Clean Up The LSU Athletic Dept
Governor Jeff Landry has issued an executive order for Keep Tiger Town Beautiful to clean up the LSU Athletic Dept.
Denham Springs Council Approves Convention Center, Prohibits Any Conventions From Taking Place Inside
The Denham Springs City Council approved a new $45 million convention center, but made sure to prohibit any conventions from actually taking place inside.
LSU Interfraternity Council Expands Hazing Rules to Include “Forcing Pledges to Watch A&M Replay”
LSU’s Interfraternity Council has officially expanded its hazing policy to include “forcing pledges to watch the LSU–Texas A&M replay,” describing the act as psychological cruelty.
Delivery Truck Spotted Dropping Off Cases of Headsets at LSU, Saban Rumors Ignite Across Baton Rouge
Baton Rouge erupted Friday after a delivery truck unloaded pallets of headsets at Tiger Stadium, instantly reigniting rumors of Nick Saban’s possible return.
New Orleans Mayor Applies for Wildfire Relief Funding After Third Interstate Bridge Ignites
New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell is asking FEMA for wildfire aid after yet another bridge fire, arguing that “our people may not have forests, but we have bridges, and they burn beautifully.
Pelosi Won’t Seek Reelection, Cites Fatigue From Decades of Accidentally Timing Every Trade
Nancy Pelosi announced she won’t seek reelection, citing exhaustion from years of “accidentally timing every trade.”
Escaped Monkey Went Unnoticed in Mississippi After Growing Mullet and Getting Confederate Tattoo
Officials say the escaped Tulane monkey “nearly got away with it” after blending into Biloxi life with a mullet, a faded tattoo, and a Marlboro hanging from his mouth.
LSU Press Conference Tablecloth Enters Transfer Portal After Being Blamed for Program’s Image Problems
LSU’s press conference tablecloth has officially entered the transfer portal after being blamed for the school’s latest optics crisis, citing “unrealistic expectations” and “a toxic work environment.”
New Orleans Homeless Man Saves Money by Building Entire Shelter Out of Saints & Pelicans Tickets
After another disappointing Saints season, some fans have turned protest into performance art constructing makeshift shelters under the interstate entirely out of unsold Saints tickets.
Local Dry Cleaners Rejoice as James Carville Vows to Burn His 1997 LSU Polo Collection
Local dry cleaners across Baton Rouge say they’ve never been happier than hearing James Carville will finally burn his decades-old LSU polos. “They were more sweat than shirt,” one cleaner admitted, calling it a “major victory for fabric and sanity.”
Governor Jeff Landry Issues Executive Order Requiring All Sadvocate Articles Be Approved by His Office Before Publication
Louisiana’s new Department of Satirical Oversight will reportedly review The Sadvocate’s headlines for “heresy, sarcasm, and unnecessary references to Cane’s sauce.”
HIV-Infected Monkeys From Tulane Escape Into Mississippi, Boost State’s Average IQ by Historic Margin
Mississippi health officials confirmed that escaped Tulane monkeys, reportedly infected with several diseases, have accidentally improved the state’s average IQ.
Governor’s Mansion Expansion Includes Cane’s Dining Hall, Dedicated Drive Thru Lane for Political Allies
Governor Jeff Landry unveiled plans for a Raising Cane’s expansion at the Louisiana Governor’s Mansion, complete with portraits, a Cane’s Sauce fountain, and a “Leadership Combo” meal that comes with a key to his private hunting camp. The drive-thru will reportedly serve “political allies first.”
Cantrell Announces Plan to “Preserve Authenticity” by Letting Bourbon Street Collapse Naturally
Mayor LaToya Cantrell has unveiled a plan to “preserve the authenticity” of New Orleans nightlife by letting Bourbon Street decay naturally a preservation strategy that relies less on funding and more on physics.
LSU Cancels Ticket Price Hike Amid Backlash, Introduces Mandatory $35 Fee to Leave Stadium
After criticism of rising game-day costs, LSU announced a new policy: no increase to ticket prices, but a mandatory $35 Stadium Exit Fee will be charged when fans leave the game.
Brian Kelly Seen Exiting Tiger Stadium Late in 3rd Quarter “To Avoid the Rush”
LSU Head Coach Brian Kelly was reportedly seen leaving Tiger Stadium before the game ended, citing “unmanageable postgame traffic.”
LSU Raises Ticket Prices to Help Fans Feel Like They’re Suffering at an Elite Level
LSU’s Board of Supervisors approved new ticket and parking price increases to ensure fans continue “suffering at the highest standard possible.”
Experts Confirm James Carville’s Entire Personality Now Powered Exclusively by Trump’s Existence
Political analysts say Democratic strategist James Carville has entered a rare psychological state known as Trump Dependency Syndrome, where every thought, emotion, and measurable brainwave is triggered exclusively by the former president’s continued existence.
Senator Hodges Urges Citizens to Report Chemtrails, UFOs, and Anyone Claiming The Earth is Round
Louisiana Senator Valarie Hodges has expanded her chemtrail concerns to include UFOs and “dangerous misinformation” suggesting the Earth is round.