Louisiana Voters Demand New Congressional District Be Drawn to Accurately Represent the Overweight
Louisiana’s highest court is being asked to determine if “plus-size voters” deserve their own congressional district, prompting one official to ask if gerrymandering now includes buffet lines.
LSU Board Holds Emergency Meeting, Renames Thomas Boyd Hall After 1920s Musket Incident Resurfaces
LSU’s Board of Supervisors convened at 2 a.m. to erase Thomas Boyd’s name after learning he once fired a musket indoors, a response officials say will “restore campus safety through symbolism.
LSU to Add Gunfire and Police Siren Sound Effects to Future Hype Playlist So Nobody Notices the Real Ones
LSU officials say the new “realistic” game-day playlist, complete with sirens and gunfire, will help fans stop panicking when they hear the real thing near the North Gates.
New Orleans Officials to Auction Off Cantrell’s Frequent Flier Miles to Cover Hancock Whitney Tower Tax Debt
Mayor Cantrell’s airline miles are being liquidated to help pay taxes on the struggling Shell Tower. The city says it’s “financial creativity,” but locals say it’s just another layover on New Orleans’ nonstop flight to bankruptcy.
Walker High Implements Policy Requiring Students to Buy $55 “Principal Handshake Tokens” Before Walking Stage
Walker High’s latest graduation policy requires seniors to buy $55 “Principal Handshake Tokens”, a new twist after the school already forced families to purchase brand-new caps and gowns this year.
National Guard to Deploy in New Orleans Disguised as Carjackers and Murderers to Gain City Officials’ Trust
Governor Jeff Landry announced that National Guard troops entering New Orleans will now deploy disguised as local carjackers and murderers to gain the trust of city officials, who had previously opposed their presence for being “too law-enforcement adjacent.”
New Orleans Levee Authority Approves Tactical Gear, Still Unsure Who They’re Supposed to Shoot
The Flood Authority’s new SWAT-style unit will reportedly be trained in “tactical sandbagging” and “high-pressure hose control,” though officials admit they’re still “not sure who the enemy is.”
Cleo Fields Explains Stock Purchase: “I Thought Oracle Was a Seafood Restaurant”
Rep. Cleo Fields defended his Oracle stock purchase by insisting he thought it was a seafood restaurant. After Googling the name during a committee break, Fields said he was “just trying to support local dining,” confusing oysters with cloud storage in a uniquely Baton Rouge mix-up.
DOTD to Install Wi-fi on Mississippi River Bridge So Commuters Can Stream Netflix While Stuck in Traffic
The DOTD has announced free Wi-Fi for the Mississippi River Bridge, admitting traffic won’t improve but commuters will at least be able to binge their favorite shows while waiting.
Orleans DA Scrambles to Hire Hundreds of Attorneys to Assist Dismissing Charges Ahead of National Guard’s Arrival
Orleans Parish DA’s office is scrambling to hire hundreds of attorneys ahead of the National Guard’s arrival, not to prosecute cases, but to dismiss them. Officials admit the new hires will be measured on “throughput, not outcomes,” as the city braces for mass revolving-door justice.
Coach Kelly Skips Monday Press Conference, Claims He’s Still in Concussion Protocol from Watching the Defense
LSU’s head coach skipped today’s press conference, citing “concussion protocol” after watching his defense collapse for four quarters. Reporters were left with an empty podium, while fans questioned if silence is now the Tigers’ only effective strategy.
Tyrell Morris Found Guilty of Malfeasance, Immediately Nominated to Head New Orleans Ethics Board
Tyrell Morris’s guilty verdict didn’t slow him down, it sped up his career. In true New Orleans fashion, the former 911 director has already been tapped to chair the city’s Ethics Board, proving once again that corruption is the city’s most reliable job qualification.
City of Gonzales Rejects Hispanic Gala, Demands Everyone Pretend the Original Name Was From An Italian Named Antonio Gonzales
The Gonzales City Council rejected funding for the Hispanic Heritage Gala, insisting the town’s name has nothing to do with Hispanic culture. Officials claimed it came from “Tony Gonzalez, a hardworking Italian plumber,” leaving locals baffled at the city’s new heritage-free approach to history.
Bourbon Street Barriers Awarded City’s First-Ever Participation Trophy in Public Safety
New Orleans has officially honored Bourbon Street’s weakest defenders: the push-over barriers. In a ceremony dripping with irony, city officials awarded them the first-ever Participation Trophy in Public Safety, celebrating not success, but the sheer audacity of just showing up every day.
Louisiana Legislature Considers Joining LHSAA Just to Get Something Passed This Year
Lawmakers at the State Capitol admitted they’re so tired of gridlock that the LHSAA might actually be better at running things. If the association can rule a star athlete ineligible overnight, legislators joked, maybe it’s time they merged the House of Representatives into Division I.
ICE Detainees Give Angola Kitchen Zero Stars On Yelp, Say They’d Rather Starve Than Order Again
Angola’s cafeteria has officially bottomed out on Yelp, with ICE detainees unanimously giving the kitchen zero stars. Many say starvation is preferable to the gray, flavorless meals, proving even a captive audience won’t tolerate mystery meat disguised as dinner.
$20M Baton Rouge Airport Taxiway Stalled by $19M Nutria Relocation Study
Baton Rouge Metro Airport’s taxiway expansion has been grounded, not by planes, but by nutria. EPA announced a $19 million study to determine the best way to relocate the rodents before any construction begins, delaying progress before the project even starts.
Trump Suggests Governor Landry Deploy National Guard to Replace Saints Offensive Line
Trump proposed Governor Jeff Landry deploy the National Guard to the Superdome, claiming soldiers would provide “tremendous discipline” and “no false starts.” Landry didn’t rule it out, hinting that public safety now includes preventing Rattler from being sacked every other play.
ABC Suspends Jimmy Kimmel, Hopes Pretending to Have Standards Will Boost Ratings
ABC suspended Jimmy Kimmel after his comments about Charlie Kirk’s death, claiming it was about “standards.” Insiders admit the real goal is pretending to have some—since viewers forgot the network existed until this latest outrage.
DA Declares Highland Food Mart a Nuisance But Still Much Safer Than Siegen Lane at Night
Hillar Moore’s crackdown on a Highland gas station drew laughs when he noted the store, despite its sketchy reputation, remains less dangerous than Siegen Lane. Residents say they’d rather gamble with the Food Mart’s parking lot dice game than turn left onto Siegen.
Wildlife & Fisheries and OMV Partnership Saves Time by Combining Two Broken Systems Into One
Louisiana has streamlined inefficiency by combining the Office of Motor Vehicles with Wildlife & Fisheries. Now, residents can lose patience, time, and sanity in one unified location, proving government innovation means taking two broken systems and duct-taping them into a slightly larger broken system.
Hackers Shocked to Discover Orleans Sheriff’s Office Computers Still Running Windows 95
Hackers expecting to strike gold inside the Orleans Parish Sheriff’s Office instead uncovered a relic: computers still chugging along on Windows 95. The surprise left cybercriminals baffled, with the only real threat being an accidental print job on a dusty dot-matrix machine.
City Rolls Out Curfew: Late-Night Taco Bell Runs Now Classified as Felonies
Baton Rouge’s new curfew outlaws late-night Taco Bell cravings, classifying Crunchwrap runs after 10 p.m. as felonies. City leaders say it’s about crime prevention; teenagers say it’s about depriving them of nacho fries and questionable life choices.
Judge Gives Boosie Choice: Two Years in Prison or Move Back to Baton Rouge
A California judge shocked the courtroom by giving rapper Boosie a stark choice: serve two years in prison or move back to Baton Rouge. Observers noted Boosie appeared more rattled by the thought of Florida Boulevard traffic than federal lockup.
BR Officials to Launch Program Called “Parenting,” Refer to it as Curfew Enforcement
Baton Rouge’s new curfew, dubbed a “groundbreaking parenting program,” has sparked both eye-rolls and debate. Proponents say the policy will curb truancy, while critics argue it only proves city leaders think bedtime is cheaper than fixing schools.
Chicago Officials Say National Guard Threatens to “Erase Generations of Gunfire Culture”
Chicago leaders warned that the arrival of National Guard troops could “erase generations of gunfire culture,” describing the city’s 1,200 shootings this year as evidence of a deeply rooted tradition. Officials vowed to protect the “heritage” of crime, calling it as Chicagoan as deep-dish pizza.
Senator Duplessis Declares Crisis After State Left with Only 98.5% of Its National Guard
Senator Royce Duplessis has declared Louisiana “in crisis” after Governor Landry sent 135 Guardsmen to D.C. leaving only 98.5% of the Guard at home. Critics say Duplessis may be the first politician in history to treat basic math as a natural disaster.
Entergy Partners With Meta for Power; Will Add $4.99 Surcharge Per Facebook Friend Request to Customer Bills
Louisiana residents may soon pay $4.99 every time they accept or send a Facebook friend request. Entergy announced the new fee as part of its deal to power Meta’s data center, describing the charge as vital to “emotional bandwidth recovery” and “keeping tech billionaires comfortable.”
Landry Sends Troops to D.C., Because New Orleans Clearly Has Things Under Control
Governor Jeff Landry deployed the Louisiana National Guard to Washington, D.C., leaving New Orleans residents wondering why the “murder capital of America” didn’t get the help first. Locals joked the Guard might only show up in the city if they got lost on the way home.
EBR Schools Redefine Truancy as ‘Nontraditional Attendance’ to Boost Graduation Rates
Baton Rouge schools have found a new fix for chronic absences: just rename them. Truancy will now be known as “nontraditional attendance,” a phrase officials say reflects “creative learning pathways.”