NEW ORLEANS, LA – The Southeast Louisiana Flood Protection Authority has approved the creation of a new SWAT-style unit for its levee police, complete with tactical rifles, armored vests, and night-vision goggles, though officials admit they’re still “not entirely sure who the enemy is.”
“We’ve been told to prepare for the next major threat,” said a Levee spokesman, “but so far, all we’ve seen are nutria and joggers.”
The newly equipped force, nicknamed “Seal Team Sandbag,” plans to patrol the Mississippi River levee for “suspicious activity,” which reportedly includes fishing without a permit, skipping leg day, and questioning why a flood agency needs AR-15s.
Critics have questioned the necessity of militarizing an agency whose primary mission involves dirt and water, but Flood Authority officials defended the move, citing “an evolving threat landscape” and “the need to look busy in budget season.”
Officials say the levee cops will undergo extensive training in “tactical sandbagging” and “high-pressure hose control,” ensuring they’re fully prepared to respond to emergencies, like someone feeding ducks with white bread.
