BROOKLYN, NY – In a move shocking only to people who forgot Jimmy Kimmel was still on television, ABC announced it has suspended the late-night host indefinitely after his comments about Charlie Kirk’s death. Network executives said the decision wasn’t about morality, but about “finally pretending to have some.”
“Jimmy has always been a jerk, but now he’s a jerk who got noticed,” one ABC insider explained. “And since no one watches us anymore, outrage is the only marketing strategy we have left.”
Critics noted that Kimmel has built an entire career out of smug sarcasm, stale punchlines, and weepy monologues about political figures he doesn’t like. His suspension, however, has already given ABC the kind of publicity its actual programming hasn’t managed in decades.
Meanwhile, late-night competitors issued statements ranging from mock sympathy to open laughter. “We’ve been carrying him for years,” one rival producer said. “Not on ratings, just on pity.”
As ABC scrambles to fill the time slot, rumors swirl that the network may replace Kimmel with something less offensive and more relevant, like a rerun of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? or an hour-long test pattern.
Viewers are expected not to notice either way.
