NEW ORLEANS, LA – Governor Jeff Landry announced with great pride this week that Louisiana’s National Guard has been deployed to Washington, D.C., a city battling carjackings and robberies, while back home in New Orleans, Canal Street resembles a post-apocalyptic video game.
“This is about keeping America safe,” Landry said, brushing aside questions about why he wasn’t sending troops to a city where catalytic converters are stripped faster than Dong Phuong king cakes in January. “The city’s fine on its own,” Landry said. “Carjackings build character and tourists love the authentic experience.”
Residents weren’t convinced. “That’s great for D.C.,” one Uptown shop owner said, “but could we maybe get one Humvee to park outside my store between armed robberies? At this point I’d settle for a Jeep with the lights still attached.” Others chimed in with similar requests like troops stationed near the Walgreens on Magazine, a single guard tower on Canal, or even just someone to watch the line outside Popeyes so customers didn’t have to.
Locals joked that if New Orleans ever does see the Guard, it’ll only be by accident, most likely because the troops got lost on their way back from Washington and stumbled onto Claiborne Avenue. “They’ll think they’ve taken a wrong turn into a war zone,” one resident quipped. “Meanwhile, we’ll welcome them with open arms, maybe even offer them some gumbo, right before asking if they can stick around for a while.”
