Saints to Start “Most Powerful Woman in Sports” as Quarterback for Upcoming Matchup Against the Panthers
Saints owner Gayle Benson, recently dubbed the “Most Powerful Woman in Sports,” is stepping in as quarterback for this week’s matchup against the Panthers.
Governor Assumes Roles of LSU President, AD, and Head Football Coach, Rebrands It as Landry State University
Governor Jeff Landry has officially taken over LSU, assuming the roles of president, athletic director, and head coach in what he calls a “streamlined model of leadership efficiency.”
Local Dry Cleaners Rejoice as James Carville Vows to Burn His 1997 LSU Polo Collection
Local dry cleaners across Baton Rouge say they’ve never been happier than hearing James Carville will finally burn his decades-old LSU polos. “They were more sweat than shirt,” one cleaner admitted, calling it a “major victory for fabric and sanity.”
Entire LSU Football Program Revealed to Be Advanced EA Sports Simulation Being Operated by Nick Saban
A whistleblower found the Tiger Stadium control console running an EA Sports simulation coded entirely by Nick Saban.
Meta’s $10 Billion Louisiana Data Center Now $27 Billion After State Adds “Miscellaneous” Line Item
Louisiana’s $10 billion Meta project ballooned to $27 billion after state officials added a single “miscellaneous” line item that cost more than the original facility.
Escaped Tulane Research Monkeys File HIPAA Lawsuit Over Medical Record Leak
Escaped research monkeys are suing Louisiana media outlets for allegedly leaking their medical records. The lawsuit cites “irreparable emotional distress” and a “loss of public reputation,” with lawyers demanding both damages and a formal apology written in sign language.
Helena Moreno Says No to Fiscal Oversight: “We’re Not Ready for That Kind of Stability Yet”
New Orleans leaders withdrew their $125M bond request, rejecting state oversight as “too stabilizing for our culture of chaos.”
Governor Jeff Landry Issues Executive Order Requiring All Sadvocate Articles Be Approved by His Office Before Publication
Louisiana’s new Department of Satirical Oversight will reportedly review The Sadvocate’s headlines for “heresy, sarcasm, and unnecessary references to Cane’s sauce.”
HIV-Infected Monkeys From Tulane Escape Into Mississippi, Boost State’s Average IQ by Historic Margin
Mississippi health officials confirmed that escaped Tulane monkeys, reportedly infected with several diseases, have accidentally improved the state’s average IQ.
Trump Agrees to Pick LSU Football Coach If Landry Promises to Replace the Tiger Eye With His Portrait at Midfield
Governor Jeff Landry is rumored to have accepted Trump’s offer to select LSU’s next coach in exchange for a few “minor artistic liberties.” The President wants his portrait painted at midfield, complete with glowing eyes and a celestial victory halo.
LSU Appoints DOTD Head to Oversee Brian Kelly Buyout, Guarantees It’ll Drag Out Until at Least 2034
LSU has turned to the one Louisiana agency truly qualified to stretch a project beyond all reason: DOTD. Officials say the buyout should be complete just in time for Kelly’s grandchildren to receive the final payment.
Governor’s Mansion Expansion Includes Cane’s Dining Hall, Dedicated Drive Thru Lane for Political Allies
Governor Jeff Landry unveiled plans for a Raising Cane’s expansion at the Louisiana Governor’s Mansion, complete with portraits, a Cane’s Sauce fountain, and a “Leadership Combo” meal that comes with a key to his private hunting camp. The drive-thru will reportedly serve “political allies first.”
Cantrell Announces Plan to “Preserve Authenticity” by Letting Bourbon Street Collapse Naturally
Mayor LaToya Cantrell has unveiled a plan to “preserve the authenticity” of New Orleans nightlife by letting Bourbon Street decay naturally a preservation strategy that relies less on funding and more on physics.
Governor Landry Clarifies LSU Statue Suggestion, Meant Captain Kirk, Not Charlie
Governor Jeff Landry clarified his earlier statue proposal, explaining he’d meant Captain Kirk from Star Trek, not conservative pundit Charlie Kirk.
Half of Congressional Map Protestors Arrive Late After Misreading Map With Directions to Capitol
A demonstration to defend Louisiana’s congressional map took an ironic turn Monday when half the crowd couldn’t find the Capitol, after using the very map they were fighting to keep.
LSU Cancels Ticket Price Hike Amid Backlash, Introduces Mandatory $35 Fee to Leave Stadium
After criticism of rising game-day costs, LSU announced a new policy: no increase to ticket prices, but a mandatory $35 Stadium Exit Fee will be charged when fans leave the game.
Scott Woodward Applies for Student Loan to Pay Kelly Buyout Because Technically Its an Expensive Lesson
LSU Athletic Director Scott Woodward has reportedly applied for a federal student loan to fund Brian Kelly’s buyout, calling it “a hands-on course in catastrophic financial planning.”
Brian Kelly Seen Exiting Tiger Stadium Late in 3rd Quarter “To Avoid the Rush”
LSU Head Coach Brian Kelly was reportedly seen leaving Tiger Stadium before the game ended, citing “unmanageable postgame traffic.”
LSU Raises Ticket Prices to Help Fans Feel Like They’re Suffering at an Elite Level
LSU’s Board of Supervisors approved new ticket and parking price increases to ensure fans continue “suffering at the highest standard possible.”
Experts Confirm James Carville’s Entire Personality Now Powered Exclusively by Trump’s Existence
Political analysts say Democratic strategist James Carville has entered a rare psychological state known as Trump Dependency Syndrome, where every thought, emotion, and measurable brainwave is triggered exclusively by the former president’s continued existence.
Senator Hodges Urges Citizens to Report Chemtrails, UFOs, and Anyone Claiming The Earth is Round
Louisiana Senator Valarie Hodges has expanded her chemtrail concerns to include UFOs and “dangerous misinformation” suggesting the Earth is round.
LSU Students Warn Closing Unity Field to Tailgaters Could Push Violence to Less Convenient Locations
LSU students are pushing back against the closure of Unity Field, claiming the decision unfairly forces local violence to move to less convenient parts of campus.
New Orleans Official Seen in Line at Ace Cash Express Holding Utility Bill and Proof of Residence
New Orleans city officials were seen waiting in line at Ace Cash Express this week, holding utility bills and pleading for an advance to cover payroll
Tiffany Foxworth-Roberts Said As the World’s First Kidney Transplant Surgeon, She’s Appalled at How She’s Being Treated by the Courts
Judge Tiffany Foxworth-Roberts defended herself this week by claiming she was “the world’s first kidney transplant surgeon,” a title not previously associated with the Baton Rouge judiciary. She expressed outrage at the Louisiana Supreme Court’s “disrespect toward medical pioneers.”
Saints Officially End Political Division in Louisiana After Left and Right Both Agree They Suck
After years of bitter political division, Louisiana has finally united, over how terrible the Saints are. Both parties came together Sunday to condemn the team’s fifth straight loss, calling it “a unifying tragedy” and awarding them the Louisiana Medal of Mutual Disappointment.
Airbnb Honors 19th JDC with ‘Most Short-Term Stays’ Award for EBR Parish Prison Partnership
The 19th Judicial District Court was honored by Airbnb this week for transforming incarceration into a “flexible lodging experience,” complete with express checkouts and no accountability fees.
Jeff Landry Seizes Control of New Orleans Saints, Declares Himself Acting Head Coach Until Further Notice
Governor Jeff Landry declared an executive order seizing control of the New Orleans Saints after another crushing loss, naming himself Acting Head Coach “until further notice.”
‘No Kings’ Movement Claims Full Success This Morning as Zero Kings Reported Nationwide
The “No Kings” movement flooded social media this morning, declaring victory after confirming that no monarchs currently rule the United States, a condition that, according to historians, has existed since 1776.
Jeff Landry Asks FEMA to Declare Brian Kelly’s Contract a Disaster, Calls on Trump to Force Them to Pay the Buyout
Jeff Landry is calling in FEMA and Donald Trump to deal with what he calls “a man-made catastrophe,” Brian Kelly’s contract. The governor says he’s confident Trump “can negotiate this buyout like it’s a New York hotel remodel.”
Officials Brace for Dozens as ‘No Pharaohs’ Protest Hits Downtown Baton Rouge Sunday
The “No Pharaohs” demonstrators say they’re not stopping until every trace of ancient Egyptian influence is removed from U.S. politics, or until someone finally explains to them that there isn’t any.