SLU Scientist Who Found Metals in Lake Maurepas Reassigned to Campus Gift Shop
After reporting contamination in Lake Maurepas, an SLU researcher has traded lab gloves for barcode scanners. The university says the gift shop role “better aligns with the school’s messaging,” now selling branded merchandise instead of raising environmental concerns.
Orleans DA Recruits Fired Jail Deputies, Citing “Unmatched Experience in Emptying Jails”
After two deputies were fired for mistakenly releasing an inmate, DA Jason Williams quickly recruited them for a new unit within his office. The “Accelerated Release Taskforce” is designed to fast-track freedom for suspects before formal charges even materialize an approach Williams calls “efficient, if nothing else.”
Forum Moderator Accidentally Becomes Frontrunner in Orleans Sheriff Race After Sounding Marginally Competent
The Orleans Parish sheriff forum took a turn when the moderator, not a candidate, became the star. Voters say her ability to speak clearly and not dodge questions makes her the new unofficial frontrunner—despite not even running
New ‘Equitable’ Crescent City ID Guarantees Access to Incompetent Services for All
New Orleans’ new ID card guarantees equity by offering every resident the same access to broken, missing, or imaginary public services.
Landry: DMV Excited to Replace Old Confusing Process With New, Sleeker Confusing Process
Governor Jeff Landry says Louisiana’s new OMV software will “revolutionize” the DMV experience by replacing the old confusing system with a modern, equally confusing one only sleeker and in high definition.
Perkins Overpass Project’s Phase One Includes Removing Everything People Liked About Perkins
Phase One of the Perkins Road Overpass project has begun with a clear mission: remove everything people actually liked about Perkins.
BREC Zoo Installs “Caution: Animals May Be Alive” Signs to Prevent Future Lawsuits
After a child was bitten by a zoo bird, BREC defended itself by claiming it couldn’t have predicted such wild behavior from a live animal. In response, the Baton Rouge Zoo has installed new signs reading “Caution: Animals May Be Alive” to prevent future lawsuits
Escape Room Franchise Sues Orleans Parish Jail for Copyright Infringement
Sheriff Susan Hutson denies OPSO is an entertainment venue, though admits, “at this point, maybe we should start charging admission.”
West Feliciana President Launches Hands-On Leadership Tour, First Stop: Your Face
When a man questioned the ethics of a parish land sale, President Kenny Havard delivered answers in the form of a punch. The “Hands-On Leadership” tour was born with bruises, not brochures.
BREC Gun-Free Zone Signs to Be Upgraded to All-Caps
BREC officials say they’re upgrading the “Gun-Free Zone” sign to all-caps font hoping the change will stop future armed teens in their tracks.
East Baton Rouge Library Staff Must Now Refer to Colleagues Using Preferred Font and Type Size
BATON ROUGE, LA – The East Baton Rouge Parish Library has rolled out a new inclusivity policy requiring staff to address all patrons using their self-identified font and type size preferences. According to an internal document sent to The Sadvocate, this is part of the library’s broader “Typographical Sensitivity Initiative,” launched after a patron claimed […]
Landry Names Head of Office of Highway Construction, Start Date TBD After 15 Year Feasibility Study
Governor Landry has named a director for Louisiana’s new Office of Highway Construction, but the job won’t start until at least 2040, pending an 11-year feasibility study on whether the office should exist at all.
Police Chiefs Accidentally Attend ‘How to Stay Out of Federal Prison’ Workshop and Immediately Fail
Two Louisiana police chiefs were arrested mid-conference in Baton Rouge after allegedly filing a fake armed robbery report, ironically just steps from a session on law enforcement ethics.
EBR Library Terminates Man Who Refused to Address Colleague as “Dungeon Master of Reference Materials”
A local man was fired from the EBR Library after refusing to address his coworker as “Dungeon Master of Reference Materials,” per the institution’s new lore-based identity policy.
New Orleans DA Lands Emmy Nomination for Best Performance in Fictional Trial Series
Move over, ‘Law & Order’—New Orleans has rolled out its own courtroom drama, complete with imaginary proceedings, ghost witnesses, and a DA who now has more in common with actors than attorneys
Drivers Say They’ll Stop Crashing in St. George to Protest Privatized Accident Reporting
Several drivers have pledged to no longer crash their vehicles within St. George city limits, citing the recent privatization of accident response as a “personal insult to inefficient public service.”
New BREC Leader Says She’s Open to All Ideas Except the Good Ones
BREC’s new superintendent is making the rounds to “listen,” but sources say she’s mostly just nodding politely and jotting down synonyms for “no.”
Black Bear Seen in Livingston Parish Identified as Boyfriend of Denham Springs Woman
A Livingston woman says her new boyfriend doesn’t cheat, doesn’t lie, and “smells better than her ex.” The twist? He’s a black bear.
NOLA DA Jason Williams Hosts Fake Press Conference to Defend Fake Trials
Orleans DA Jason Williams is under fire for allegedly engineering “fake trials”—so naturally, he held a press conference in front of a vinyl backdrop labeled “Totally Real Justice Building” to set the record straight… or at least crooked in a new way.
New 19th JDC Loyalty Program Lets Frequent Defendants Earn Points Toward Next Bond
A new “My19th Rewards” program is letting frequent Baton Rouge defendants earn bond points with every arrest. Court officials say it’s a way to “modernize the experience,” though critics call it a rewards system for repeat offenders. Even murder charges can now earn double points.
U.S. Conference of Mayors Demands to Know Why LaToya Cantrell Has Been Spending So Much Time in New Orleans
The U.S. Conference of Mayors has filed a complaint against Mayor LaToya Cantrell—not for leaving town, but for staying in it.
EMS Ambulance Thief Beats All Previous Response Times—Immediately Hired as Supervisor
EBR EMS just promoted a guy who stole one of their ambulances—because he only hit two cars and got there faster than anyone else on staff.
LADOTD Launches Study to Investigate Why Previous Studies Haven’t Studied Anything Yet
The LADOTD is now studying the studies about the new Mississippi River bridge—because apparently the only thing getting built in Louisiana is bureaucracy.
‘I’d Rather Do Time Than Eat Texas Gumbo’ – Massey on Why He Never Left Louisiana
Massey, the fugitive who refused to flee, said the thought of tasteless gumbo across state lines was too much. “It ain’t worth it,” he told deputies.
New Orleans Escapee Caught After Binging Shawshank Redemption on Jail’s Wi‑Fi and Netflix Account
After six weeks on the run, Massey was undone by his commitment to streaming jailbreak films on the jail’s own Wi-Fi connection.
Landry Removes Dead People from Welfare Rolls, Inadvertently Wipes Out a Third of Democratic Voters
Governor Jeff Landry’s push to purge the dead from Louisiana’s welfare rolls has sparked unintended political fallout—namely, the accidental removal of one of the state’s most loyal Democratic voting blocs: the deceased.
Attorney General Files 34-Page Lawsuit Against CVS Using 23 Foot Long Receipt Paper
Attorney General Liz Murrill filed a 34-page lawsuit against CVS on a single, unbroken 23-foot CVS receipt, citing it as “the only paper long enough to capture all the corporate hypocrisies.”
‘I’ll Sign Any Insurance Bill,’ Says Governor Who Immediately Doesn’t
Louisiana’s governor promised to sign “any” insurance bill—then vetoed the first one that reached him. Homeowners are left with high premiums and higher blood pressure.
Fugitive Antoine Massey Enters Orleans Sheriff Race, Promises to Catch Himself Within First 100 Days in Office
Still at large but polling higher than the current sheriff, Antoine Massey has officially entered the Orleans Parish sheriff’s race. His platform? Fixing the same system he broke out of—and pledging to catch himself “within the first 100 days in office.”
EBR Declares All City Buildings Condom-Free in Wake of Latest Chauna Banks Scandal
After Councilman Anthony Kenney accused former councilwoman Chauna Banks of planting a condom in his office, EBR responded by banning condoms from all city buildings. Banks denies the act, claiming she doesn’t even prefer using them.