JASPER COUNTY, MS – Mississippi officials confirmed Tuesday that a group of monkeys from Tulane University escaped after a truck overturned on I-59, spilling several primates allegedly infected with HIV, hepatitis, and herpes into the Magnolia State. In an unexpected turn, experts say the incident caused the largest single-day rise in the state’s average IQ since records began.
“Technically, the bar was low enough that any new species could have caused a measurable increase,” said one Mississippi health analyst. “But these monkeys appear to have an advanced understanding of both personal hygiene and basic traffic laws, which already puts them ahead of several rural counties.”
Officials in Louisiana expressed disappointment that the monkeys chose to flee north instead of staying put. “We lose good talent every year,” said a spokesperson from the governor’s office. “Usually to Texas, not to Mississippi.”
Mississippi authorities assure the public the monkeys pose little threat, though residents are encouraged not to make eye contact or discuss politics with them. “They’re highly infectious, but also highly judgmental,” warned one local sheriff. “Honestly, it’s refreshing.”
Meanwhile, Tulane University released a statement clarifying the monkeys were part of a “non-infectious study,” adding, “If they were smart enough to escape Louisiana, they deserve the diploma.”
