NEW ORLEANS, LA – After another tough loss, this time to the LA Rams, left fans questioning if the Saints’ offense even knows the end zone still exists, team officials announced tonight that owner Gayle Benson, recently named the Most Powerful Woman in Sports, will take over as starting quarterback next Sunday.
Sources inside the organization say the decision came after coaches realized “power” was the only thing missing from the lineup. “She already owns the team, the building, and half the block so she might as well own the pocket too,” said offensive coordinator Doug Nussmeier, adding that Benson’s command presence alone “should draw at least one roughing-the-passer call.”
Analysts say Benson’s experience running multiple billion-dollar businesses makes her more qualified than anyone else on the team. One league scout noted, “At least she can make a decision before the play clock hits zero.”
Benson, 78, has reportedly been seen running light drills at the Saints facility, though several reports say she still insists on calling plays from a gold-plated iPad. Team officials expect no significant drop in performance, citing that “technically, that would require a performance to exist.”
Long time Saints fans predict she’ll finish with 300 yards passing, two touchdowns, and least three new business acquisitions.
