BATON ROUGE, LA – Declaring “a new era of leadership efficiency,” Governor Jeff Landry announced late Saturday that he has officially assumed the roles of LSU President, Athletic Director, and Head Football Coach, rebranding the institution as Landry State University.
“With so many vacancies, I saw an opportunity to cut government waste and confusion,” Landry said while addressing reporters from Tiger Stadium, which has been renamed Jeff Valley from the older, dated name Death Valley. “This will save taxpayers at least three salaries and ensure complete ideological consistency across all departments.”
Landry’s first actions as the newly combined leader included replacing the university’s motto with “One Vision, One Voice, One Landry,” mandating morning prayer sessions before calculus, and instructing the football team to “run more conservative plays.”
Faculty have been instructed to route all academic concerns directly to his Capitol office, while athletes must now upload their playbooks through the official state government portal for “transparency and accountability.”
When asked if he ever planned to step down from any of his new roles, Landry laughed and said he wouldn’t consider it “until I officially assume the position of Director of Human Resources so I can personally approve my own retirement plan.”
