BATON ROUGE, LA – LSU officials announced last night that the state’s Department of Transportation and Development will temporarily oversee the logistics of Brian Kelly’s massive buyout, citing the agency’s “unmatched expertise in prolonging expensive projects indefinitely.”
The decision comes as LSU seeks “a measured, multi-decade approach” to dispersing the $54 million owed to Kelly. DOTD leadership has already installed orange cones around the athletic department and warned that the payout will be “subject to weather, funding, and at least 16 feasibility studies that Kelly will have to front the money for.”
A university spokesperson said fans should expect “minimal progress and maximum setbacks,” assuring them that “by the time the buyout is complete, we could potentially be less than three environmental studies away from beginning the first of thirteen traffic studies for the new Mississippi River Bridge.”
Sources close to DOTD say phase one of the buyout, placing a “SLOW: Buyout Ahead” sign, was completed yesterday, but the agency won’t activate the warning light affixed to it until a comprehensive Environmental Avian Illumination Impact Study determines it poses no risk to migratory routes or mating behavior of any birds in the area.
