NOPD to End Federal Consent Decree, Chief Says She’ll Celebrate With Some Prunes and a Nice Long Nap
NOPD is finally off federal supervision, and the chief is celebrating with prunes and a powerful afternoon nap.
Moreno Expresses Concern That Federal Raids May Create an “Unwelcoming Atmosphere” for Criminals in New Orleans
Councilwoman Helena Moreno warned that federal raids could create an “unwelcoming atmosphere” for New Orleans criminals, arguing the city has spent years cultivating a space where offenders can operate freely.
EBR Metro Council Tables Access Badge Investigation to Focus on More Important Matter of Who Keeps Taking the Good Stapler
The Metro Council has officially shelved the Wade Evans badge drama to tackle a far greater internal crisis: the ongoing disappearance of the one good stapler.
Lane Kiffin Reconsiders LSU Job After His Plane Is Stolen and Found on Cinder Blocks off Siegen Lane
Lane Kiffin’s jet vanished from Baton Rouge Metro Airport only to reappear on cinder blocks behind Siegen Lane like it owed someone money. The heist has reportedly made the Ole Miss coach “rethink everything” about the LSU job.
Kiffin and Wife Say They’ll Decide on LSU “In the Coming Weeks,” Daughter Says She Likes the Sound of That
Lane Kiffin’s wife toured LSU and hinted a decision would come “in the coming Weeks,” a phrase that immediately delighted Kiffin’s daughter.
Pelicans Fire Head Coach After Team Shooting Percentage Falls Below Cantrell’s Approval Rating
The Pelicans cut ties with Willie Green after the team’s shooting numbers dipped under Mayor LaToya Cantrell’s approval rating, a statistical crisis no one believed possible until this season.
Kelly Takes Credit for LSU’s Win Over Arkansas Saturday, Insists He Still Isn’t Fired “As Far as He Knows.”
Brian Kelly took to Facebook after LSU’s win, posting a selfie and insisting he’s still the Tigers’ head coach because no one has officially fired him “to his face.”
Governor Jeff Landry Issues Executive Order for ‘Keep Tiger Town Beautiful’ to Clean Up The LSU Athletic Dept
Governor Jeff Landry has issued an executive order for Keep Tiger Town Beautiful to clean up the LSU Athletic Dept.
State Officials Will Dispose of Smitty’s Toxic Sludge in Jefferson Parish After Assuming “Sure, Whatever” Counted as Consent
State regulators greenlit shipments of Smitty’s sludge to Jefferson Parish after mistaking a distracted “sure, whatever” as formal approval.
AG Intern Spots Missing Artifact While Perusing Schexnayder’s “Hunting Camp” Facebook Photo Feed
An AG intern scrolling through Clay Schexnayder’s hunting camp photos accidentally cracked the state’s biggest missing-artifact case by spotting a 1,264-year-old board being used as an ATV ramp.
Bond Commission Signs Off on New Orleans’ Loan After Requesting the City Provide a Current Phone Bill and Proof of Residence
State officials approved New Orleans’ emergency loan only after the city provided a current phone bill and proof of residence, requirements typically reserved for college freshmen renting their first apartment.
Councilman Graves in Zachary Requests Streets Dept. Provide a Map of All Hyperlinks in the City
A simple proposal to add hyperlinks to ordinance drafts collapsed into confusion when Councilman James Graves asked the city to “chart out where the hyperlinks physically run.”
Brian Kelly Withdraws Lawsuit After Finding LSU Termination Email in AOL Spam Folder
Brian Kelly’s $54 million lawsuit against LSU ended abruptly after he found his termination notice buried in his AOL spam folder, right between a FanDuel ad and a “You’ve Got Mail” reminder.
LSU Reaches Deal With Brian Kelly: One Free Caniac Combo Per Month Through 2035
LSU avoided a $54 million payout by giving Brian Kelly a free Caniac Combo once a month for ten years. Baton Rouge calls it “the most Louisiana settlement ever.”
Mayor Sparks Media Outrage by Hiring Qualified CAO, Violating Decades-Old Baton Rouge Custom
Mayor Sid Edwards is under fire for ending Baton Rouge’s proud City Hall tradition of hiring unqualified administrators by selecting a CAO who actually knows what she’s doing.
Delivery Truck Spotted Dropping Off Cases of Headsets at LSU, Saban Rumors Ignite Across Baton Rouge
Baton Rouge erupted Friday after a delivery truck unloaded pallets of headsets at Tiger Stadium, instantly reigniting rumors of Nick Saban’s possible return.
Brian Kelly Files Infringement Suit Against LSU for Using His Trademarked “Up the Middle on 3rd and Long” Play
Kelly insists LSU owes him royalties for running his “intellectual property of incompetence,” describing the 3rd-and-long quarterback draw as “a masterpiece of confusion and regret.”
LSU’s Offensive Playbook Discovered to Be Just One Page That Says “Screen Pass”
LSU fans were shocked to learn that the team’s offensive playbook consists of a single laminated page reading “Screen Pass.” Officials are calling it a “historic artifact” that continues to ensure predictability.
Passengers Unsure if Flight Cancellations Are From Shutdown or Just a Regular Tuesday at BTR
As flight cancellations swept the nation, Baton Rouge travelers admitted they couldn’t tell whether it was the government shutdown or just another Tuesday at the airport.
Louisiana Treasurer Forms Task Force to Review Citizens’ Facebook Posts Before Releasing Unclaimed Property
Louisiana Treasurer John Fleming has reportedly formed a task force to screen citizens’ Facebook posts before releasing their unclaimed property, assigning each a “Patriot Score” based on online behavior.
Cleo Fields Buys U-Haul Stock Ahead of NYC Election, Cites “Another Lucky Guess”
Congressman Cleo Fields once again nails the timing, this time betting big on U-Haul right before New Yorkers start planning their exits.
Pelosi Won’t Seek Reelection, Cites Fatigue From Decades of Accidentally Timing Every Trade
Nancy Pelosi announced she won’t seek reelection, citing exhaustion from years of “accidentally timing every trade.”
LSU Athletics Staff to Operate on 8-Hour Contracts Under Rousse’s New “Interim Forever” Plan
LSU President Wade Rousse has announced a radical “Interim Forever” plan placing all athletics staff on 8-hour contracts, ensuring LSU remains “nimble, responsive, and always in a state of mild panic.”
Escaped Monkey Went Unnoticed in Mississippi After Growing Mullet and Getting Confederate Tattoo
Officials say the escaped Tulane monkey “nearly got away with it” after blending into Biloxi life with a mullet, a faded tattoo, and a Marlboro hanging from his mouth.
Brian Kelly Offers LSU $500 Buyout Credit for Every Screen Pass He Called on 3rd and Long
Former LSU head coach Brian Kelly has reportedly offered the university a $500 buyout credit for every screen pass he called on 3rd and long, a move accountants say could wipe out his entire payout.
LSU Press Conference Tablecloth Enters Transfer Portal After Being Blamed for Program’s Image Problems
LSU’s press conference tablecloth has officially entered the transfer portal after being blamed for the school’s latest optics crisis, citing “unrealistic expectations” and “a toxic work environment.”
New Orleans Homeless Man Saves Money by Building Entire Shelter Out of Saints & Pelicans Tickets
After another disappointing Saints season, some fans have turned protest into performance art constructing makeshift shelters under the interstate entirely out of unsold Saints tickets.
Carbon Capture Executives Celebrate: “Finally, a Pollution Crisis We Get Paid to Cause”
Carbon capture has given industry executives the perfect business model. Profit from the pollution, then profit again from pretending to clean it up.
DOTD Announces New Study On How To Stop U-Club Residents From Asking About Nicholson Traffic Light
The Louisiana DOTD has announced new action at Nicholson and University Club, not to install a light, but to stop residents from asking for one.
Saints to Start “Most Powerful Woman in Sports” as Quarterback for Upcoming Matchup Against the Panthers
Saints owner Gayle Benson, recently dubbed the “Most Powerful Woman in Sports,” is stepping in as quarterback for this week’s matchup against the Panthers.