BATON ROUGE, LA – After yet another painful Saints loss left Louisiana fans checking prices on brown paper bags, Governor Jeff Landry announced Sunday afternoon that he is “officially taking command” of the team.
Calling the performance “a threat to public confidence,” Landry signed an emergency executive order placing the New Orleans Saints under temporary state control and naming himself Acting Head Coach until “further notice.”
“All branches of Louisiana government must respond when the people are suffering,” Landry said from outside of City Cafe’ in St. George, Louisiana, where he had just enjoyed brunch with his family. “This isn’t just about football, it’s about rebuilding faith, structure, and a functioning offense.”
Under the new directive, team captains will report directly to the Governor’s Office, the playbook will be reviewed by the state legislature during the upcoming special session, and all future postgame interviewers must be wearing MAGA caps or risk being thrown out of the Super Dome.
Landry will reportedly spend the next few days designing new offensive plays based entirely on text messages he’s received during the past few Saints games from Representative Dixon McMakin. The messages include, ‘Here’s what they should run if they pick up this first down,’ ‘This halfback reverse out of the shotgun would definitely work,’ and ‘Fake the run, then go deep to the tight end like this.’
The Governor also announced plans for a new executive order requiring every Louisiana classroom to display a framed photograph of him standing with the Saints as head coach, calling it “an important reminder of leadership, faith, and proper clock management.”
