NEW ORLEANS, LA – Recognizing the extraordinary loyalty of residents who continue living within city limits, the New Orleans City Council voted unanimously to reward remaining homeowners with higher property taxes.
“These people could have gone to Metairie years ago,” explained a city spokesperson. “Instead, they stayed, invested in their neighborhoods and kept paying us. Naturally, we took that as permission.”
Officials described the increase as necessary to preserve essential services, including explaining why essential services require another increase.
The loyalty program follows last year’s $125 million emergency borrowing, which demonstrated City Hall’s commitment to spending money from years residents haven’t even lived through yet.
Homeowners will receive no commemorative plaque, although the city will continue providing a complimentary crater near the end of their driveway.
One resident asked whether years of paying taxes entitled him to a functioning street.
“Absolutely,” the spokesperson said. “We just need you to pay for it again.”
Residents considering relocation were reminded that Jefferson Parish does not offer this much character.
