NEW ORLEANS, LA – In a move that stunned no one, New Orleans officials announced this week that the city’s new garbage contract will be handed to the Orleans Parish Clerk of Court’s office, citing its “proven excellence” in the field of waste management.
The decision follows revelations that thousands of sensitive criminal court records were discovered at a local landfill, a performance city leaders say “set the bar” for efficiency in trash removal.
“Why waste time with traditional contractors?” one councilmember asked. “These folks already have a system, load it in the truck, dump it, and never look back.”
Clerk’s office staff celebrated the announcement with what they called a “shredder parade,” tossing additional files out of second-story windows directly into awaiting dumpsters.
Former sanitation providers expressed frustration, arguing they were unfairly outbid. City leaders countered by pointing to the Clerk’s flawless track record in “getting rid of stuff people really needed.”
As part of the deal, residents can expect weekly trash pickup, biweekly recycling, and, according to insiders, an occasional missing subpoena mixed in for good measure.
