Senator Hodges Urges Citizens to Report Chemtrails, UFOs, and Anyone Claiming The Earth is Round
Louisiana Senator Valarie Hodges has expanded her chemtrail concerns to include UFOs and “dangerous misinformation” suggesting the Earth is round.
Saints Officially End Political Division in Louisiana After Left and Right Both Agree They Suck
After years of bitter political division, Louisiana has finally united, over how terrible the Saints are. Both parties came together Sunday to condemn the team’s fifth straight loss, calling it “a unifying tragedy” and awarding them the Louisiana Medal of Mutual Disappointment.
Jeff Landry Seizes Control of New Orleans Saints, Declares Himself Acting Head Coach Until Further Notice
Governor Jeff Landry declared an executive order seizing control of the New Orleans Saints after another crushing loss, naming himself Acting Head Coach “until further notice.”
Louisiana Voters Demand New Congressional District Be Drawn to Accurately Represent the Overweight
Louisiana’s highest court is being asked to determine if “plus-size voters” deserve their own congressional district, prompting one official to ask if gerrymandering now includes buffet lines.
National Guard to Deploy in New Orleans Disguised as Carjackers and Murderers to Gain City Officials’ Trust
Governor Jeff Landry announced that National Guard troops entering New Orleans will now deploy disguised as local carjackers and murderers to gain the trust of city officials, who had previously opposed their presence for being “too law-enforcement adjacent.”
Orleans DA Scrambles to Hire Hundreds of Attorneys to Assist Dismissing Charges Ahead of National Guard’s Arrival
Orleans Parish DA’s office is scrambling to hire hundreds of attorneys ahead of the National Guard’s arrival, not to prosecute cases, but to dismiss them. Officials admit the new hires will be measured on “throughput, not outcomes,” as the city braces for mass revolving-door justice.
Officials Say 27-28 College Championship Game Will Be Safe, Provided You Don’t Bring a Purse, Wallet, or Vehicle
City officials assured fans the 2027 title game will be perfectly safe, as long as they don’t bring purses, wallets, or vehicles into New Orleans.
NFL Fines New Orleans Saints For Impersonating Professional Football Team
The NFL has fined the New Orleans Saints for “impersonating a professional football team,” citing Sunday’s loss to Buffalo as the final straw. Officials say the money will be redirected to teach the offense basic football concepts, something fans claim has been missing for years.
Tyrell Morris Found Guilty of Malfeasance, Immediately Nominated to Head New Orleans Ethics Board
Tyrell Morris’s guilty verdict didn’t slow him down, it sped up his career. In true New Orleans fashion, the former 911 director has already been tapped to chair the city’s Ethics Board, proving once again that corruption is the city’s most reliable job qualification.
Schexnayder Laughs at Artifact’s Priceless Claim By AG Murrill, Says Pawn Shop Wouldn’t Go Past $100
Former Speaker Clay Schexnayder downplayed the value of Louisiana’s missing artifact, saying it couldn’t be priceless since a Gonzales pawn shop only offered him $100 for it.
Cantrell Promises to Return From Iceland With Infrastructure Plan Written in Runes
Mayor LaToya Cantrell insists her upcoming Iceland trip will benefit New Orleans, promising to return with an “infrastructure plan written in Viking runes.” Officials say the plan could address potholes and flooding, though residents may need archaeologists to interpret it.
LADOTD Traffic Officials Reveal Secret Plan to Just Outlive Drivers Instead of Fixing I-10
In a move that stunned no one, LADOTD confirmed its plan for solving I-10 congestion isn’t more lanes — it’s patience. Officials admitted they’re simply waiting for current drivers to age out, saying “cheaper than construction, and the traffic dies off naturally.”
Experts Debate if 19th JDC in Baton Rouge is a Court of Law or the Set of a Sitcom
Baton Rouge’s 19th JDC courthouse is less a temple of justice and more a live sitcom set. With attorneys stacking up contempt charges like frequent flyer miles, experts now wonder if the court should hire writers or simply sell tickets to the public.
Miguez Steals Spotlight by Doing the Unthinkable: Answering Questions Cassidy Wouldn’t
Bill Cassidy may have skipped Moon Griffon’s show, but Blake Miguez grabbed the mic and actually answered questions. Voters were stunned to see a Louisiana politician speak for more than ten minutes without citing “technical difficulties with his backbone.”
Cassidy Pulls Plug on Radio Appearance, Blames Technical Difficulties With His Backbone
Louisiana Senator Bill Cassidy abruptly canceled a promised hour-long interview with Moon Griffon, citing “technical difficulties with his backbone.” Griffon rejected Cassidy’s fallback offer of 10 minutes, comparing it to “a crawfish boil without crawfish.” Voters are left wondering if Cassidy’s spine was ever operational.
Senator Duplessis Declares Crisis After State Left with Only 98.5% of Its National Guard
Senator Royce Duplessis has declared Louisiana “in crisis” after Governor Landry sent 135 Guardsmen to D.C. leaving only 98.5% of the Guard at home. Critics say Duplessis may be the first politician in history to treat basic math as a natural disaster.
Governor Landry Condemns LSU Twerk Performance After Accidentally Streaming It 47 Times
Governor Jeff Landry slammed LSU’s “degenerate” twerk performance, though insiders say he accidentally streamed the routine 47 times. Staff claim he called each replay “necessary research,” leaving critics to wonder if his moral outrage had less to do with decency and more to do with his viewing habits.
Entergy Partners With Meta for Power; Will Add $4.99 Surcharge Per Facebook Friend Request to Customer Bills
Louisiana residents may soon pay $4.99 every time they accept or send a Facebook friend request. Entergy announced the new fee as part of its deal to power Meta’s data center, describing the charge as vital to “emotional bandwidth recovery” and “keeping tech billionaires comfortable.”
Central Greenlights Surf Lake, Considers Gondola System for Sullivan Road Traffic
Central is going big: first a surf lake, now a gondola system over Sullivan Road. Officials say it’ll ease traffic, critics say it’ll look like Disney World on discount. Either way, it’s happening feasibility studies already underway.
LSU Hires Indicted Developer For Arena Project After Struggling To Find One With Felony Warrants
City leaders defend the move as “perfectly on brand” for Louisiana. The arena is set to include a “Jury Deliberation Suite” for VIPs, and opening night will bring out everyone from ex-mayors to celebrity athletes with pending charges.
Denham Springs Says Ice Cream Parlor Too Holy for Liquor License, Not Holy Enough For Tax Exemption
Denham Springs ruled Mustard Seed Creamery is a church for blocking booze, but a business when it’s time to collect taxes.
Indian Shrimp Hit with Tariff; Local Shrimpers Shocked to Learn Feds Actually Helped Them
Louisiana shrimpers were stunned this week after a rare sighting: government policy that actually helped them. Trump’s 25% tariff on Indian shrimp imports could mark the first meaningful boost to the state’s struggling shrimp industry in years.
Orleans DA Recruits Fired Jail Deputies, Citing “Unmatched Experience in Emptying Jails”
After two deputies were fired for mistakenly releasing an inmate, DA Jason Williams quickly recruited them for a new unit within his office. The “Accelerated Release Taskforce” is designed to fast-track freedom for suspects before formal charges even materialize an approach Williams calls “efficient, if nothing else.”
New Roads PD Clarifies ‘Guns for Cash’ Program Wasn’t Meant for Department-Issued Weapons
A fired officer claims he thought the city’s “Guns for Cash” program applied to everyone—especially those with easy access to the inventory. City Hall has since clarified: it does not.
State Rep Kyle Green Jr. Wins ‘Worst Take Your Kids to Work Day’ Performance by a Landslide
State Rep. Kyle Green Jr. turned Take Your Kids to Work Day into a crash course—literally—landing himself in jail after a DWI arrest with his children in the car.
NOLA Council Approves Road Repair Plan After Accidentally Clicking ‘Accept All’ on Budget Proposal
The New Orleans City Council accidentally approved a $2 billion, multi-decade road plan after clicking “Accept All” on a shared budget doc. The plan includes street repairs, new task forces, and a consultant called The Asphalt Whisperer. Officials say it’s “probably fine.”
Gordon McKernan Launches Children’s Book Series to Skirt Potential Advertising Limit
Baton Rouge’s favorite billboard lawyer isn’t letting a little thing like an advertising crackdown slow him down. Gordon McKernan’s new children’s book series aims to teach kids the one thing school won’t: who to call when disaster strikes the jungle gym.
Morris Bart Questions High Insurance Rates While Standing on Literal Pile of Settlement Checks
Morris Bart took to social media to speak about high insurance rates—while standing on a pile of checks tall enough to qualify as a traffic hazard. Some say irony isn’t dead, it’s just very well compensated.
Greenstein Returns as Landry’s Health Secretary, Promises to Be ‘Less Indictable’ This Time
Bruce Greenstein, who once left his state post under a cloud of indictment, is back—because in Louisiana, redemption means rehiring the guy who already knows where the contracts are buried.
Landry Freezes Hiring, Tells Agencies to “Just Google How to Do Everything”
In a move sure to confuse both bureaucrats and IT departments, Jeff Landry has partnered with Google—well, used Google—to slash hiring costs. Staff are now told to “just search it” when facing emergencies.