DENHAM SPRINGS, LA – In a decision that could only be described as half holy, half highway robbery, Denham Springs officials have ruled Mustard Seed Creamery is a church, at least when it helps them block an alcohol license.
The city cited the occasional church functions hosted inside the shop as proof the location is “too close to the Lord” for spirits of the distilled variety. Hours later, an official statement clarified that while the creamery is “sacred enough to stop the sale of alcohol,” it is “not sacred enough to forgo paying taxes.”
“When it comes to issuing you a license to sell booze, you’re a church,” one councilmember explained. “But on tax day, you’re a cash register.”
Critics have called the ruling “selective sanctification,” accusing the city of using religion as a zoning weapon while keeping the collection plate firmly in government hands. Others say it’s just another example of Denham Springs clinging to Prohibition-era logic whenever it’s convenient.
For now, patrons can enjoy a cone, just don’t ask for it spiked unless you’ve got a sermon and an offering envelope to go with it.
