Louisiana Creates Department of Balloon Enforcement Following Statewide Ban
Louisiana banned balloon releases and somehow ended up creating an entire state agency to make sure nobody releases balloons. Residents say the solution feels appropriately proportional.
Greenland Diplomats Reportedly Still Confused By Jeff Landry’s Repeated Coach O References During Arctic Talks
Newly released Greenland meeting transcripts reveal Jeff Landry discussed Coach O more than actual Arctic policy during his controversial overseas visit.
Recall Organizer Files Recall Petition Against Secretary of State Receptionist For Saying “You Again” On Third Visit
Baton Rouge’s most dedicated recall organizer has reportedly added a Secretary of State receptionist to her growing list of political enemies after being greeted with the phrase “You again.”
Landry Recall Organizers Accused Of Disenfranchising Thousands After Requiring Photo ID To Sign Petition
Organizers defended the rules by explaining that democracy works best when verification standards fluctuate depending on who’s being targeted.
Landry Reassigns Entire DMV Workforce to Recall Verification Division, Results Expected by Early 2031
Jeff Landry’s newest strategy for surviving a recall reportedly involves routing every signature through the same people handling Real IDs and broken ticket printers.
State Encourages Landowners to Think of Carbon Capture Land Seizures as “Involuntary Environmentalism”
Landowners are being encouraged to view forced participation in carbon storage as a meaningful contribution to the environment they didn’t agree to make.
Democrats Demand Supreme Court Agree to “Best Two Out of Three” Series on Louisiana Congressional Map Ruling
Democrats say the Supreme Court ruling on Louisiana’s congressional map only counts as Game One, and they’re now pushing for a full best-of-three series before accepting defeat.
Landry Signs Executive Order Removing Garret Graves’ Home From Inside State Lines to Prevent Run for Governor
The new boundary now curves so precisely around the home that cartographers are calling it “petty, but impressive.”
Landry Pushes Trump to Open Strait of Hormuz to Licensed Louisiana Fishermen After Taking Him Fishing There
After Trump reportedly caught multiple mackerel in the Strait of Hormuz, Landry now wants Louisiana fishermen to have access to the same waters.
Jeff Landry Suggests Resolving Iran Conflict By Air Dropping Caniac Combos Over The Region “Until Everyone Calms Down”
Global tensions may be rising, but Jeff Landry believes the solution is simple: air drop enough Cane’s into the region until everyone settles down and starts thinking clearly.
Jeff Landry Taps Baton Rouge Traffic Engineers to Design Underground Carbon Storage, Ensuring It Goes Absolutely Nowhere
Landry says hiring Baton Rouge traffic engineers guarantees captured carbon will experience immediate delays, no clear path forward, and absolutely no chance of going anywhere.
Landry to Relocate Gulf Seafood Into Strategic Petroleum Reserve Where Oil Levels Are Currently Lower
State officials say shrimp are already adapting to storage tanks, as fishermen question whether future catches will be labeled seafood, crude, or some federally approved combination.
State Announces Insurance Relief Will Arrive Shortly After Residents Can No Longer Afford It
State leaders confirmed lower rates are coming soon, assuming residents can maintain coverage long enough to eventually experience the savings.
DMV Head Says Landry’s QR Inspection Sticker Plan Would Force Agency to Finally Upgrade From Windows 95
Governor Landry’s new QR inspection sticker plan promises cutting-edge technology for Louisiana drivers, assuming the OMV servers running Windows 95 can survive the shock of being asked to generate something from this century.
Jeff Landry Announces New Earthquake Response Office, Staffed With 14 Friends From Campaign
After a rare earthquake shook northwest Louisiana, Governor Jeff Landry announced a brand new state agency to address future tremors, immediately staffing the office with 14 trusted allies from his recent campaign.
LSU to Post Ten Commandments In Classrooms, Seeks Football Season Exemption From Taking The Lord’s Name In Vain
As LSU prepares to post the Ten Commandments in classrooms under the new state mandate, officials quietly requested a football-season exemption from “Thou Shalt Not Take The Lord’s Name In Vain.”
Jeff Landry Demands LSU Men’s Basketball Coach Register as a Liability With the State
After another LSU loss, Governor Jeff Landry has unveiled a new defensive strategy, state registration. The head coach may soon require official paperwork before drawing up another play.
Legislature Promises to Protect Budget Stability by Creating 14 New Committees to Study It
Louisiana finally finds budget stability, immediately places it under investigation. Fourteen committees now studying whether calm financial conditions pose a threat to long-standing traditions.
Louisiana Legislature Unveils Budget Based on Innovative New Math Where Everything Is Affordable Eventually
Budget analysts confirmed the proposal works best when reviewed quickly, without context, and with the understanding that future lawmakers will be responsible for explaining whatever goes wrong.
Landry Floats Idea That If Your Car Survived Louisiana Roads, Inspection Stickers Are Likely Unnecessary
Louisiana may rethink inspection stickers after officials acknowledge the roads themselves already test suspensions, alignment, and faith in humanity on a daily basis.
Landry Spends Two Days Training in North Louisiana Snow to Prepare for Greenland Envoy Role
Officials said the governor’s North Louisiana trip provided all the necessary exposure to ice, snow, and public frustration required to represent Louisiana interests abroad.
Landry Expands Constitutional Carry to Include Harpoons Ahead of Greenland Transition
The expansion clarifies that Louisiana residents may openly carry harpoons so long as they are visible.
Rock the Country Tour to Skip Louisiana Following Reports Jeff Landry Wants Live Texas Steer at Shows
Festival organizers confirmed Louisiana was removed from the tour after reports surfaced that state officials wanted a live Texas steer roaming concert crowds to “restore authenticity.”
Jeff Landry Orders Cajun Navy on Standby After Hearing British Troops Might Be Headed to Greenland
The governor’s office said no deployment orders exist yet, but volunteers were encouraged to prepare boats, cold-weather gear, and the confidence required to arrive before anyone asks for help.
Jeff Landry Volunteers to Run Venezuela for Trump, Appoints Nungesser to Handle “That Greenland Thing” For Him
Governor Jeff Landry reportedly offered to run Venezuela, while casually assigning Billy Nungesser to handle Greenland.
Group Studying Mississippi River Bridge Feasibility Now Tasked With Reviewing U.S.–Greenland Connection at Landry’s Direction
Louisiana officials confirmed the Mississippi River bridge study group has been instructed by Jeff Landry to expand its scope internationally, adding a preliminary review of a possible bridge connecting the U.S. to Greenland.
Jeff Landry Mandates Live Polar Bears Appear at All Future Greenland Football Games, Calls It “Tradition-Building”
Greenland tried football without traditions. Jeff Landry fixed that by mandating live polar bears on the sidelines, proving Louisiana solutions work everywhere, regardless of climate, common sense, or liability laws.
Landry Signs Executive Order to Build Tony Chachere’s Distribution Center in Greenland After Discovering Food There Has “No Real Seasoning”
Louisiana Gov. Jeff Landry signed an executive order exporting Tony Chachere’s to Greenland after determining the region’s cuisine lacked seasoning, heat, and any understanding of what “make it taste right” means.
As Newly Appointed Envoy to Greenland, Jeff Landry Immediately Demands to See Their Football Coaching Contract
Newly appointed Greenland envoy Jeff Landry reportedly stalled diplomatic talks after demanding football contracts and gumbo before determining whether Greenland was ready for serious engagement.
LSU Reaches Deal With Brian Kelly: One Free Caniac Combo Per Month Through 2035
LSU avoided a $54 million payout by giving Brian Kelly a free Caniac Combo once a month for ten years. Baton Rouge calls it “the most Louisiana settlement ever.”