LSU Reaches Deal With Brian Kelly: One Free Caniac Combo Per Month Through 2035
LSU avoided a $54 million payout by giving Brian Kelly a free Caniac Combo once a month for ten years. Baton Rouge calls it “the most Louisiana settlement ever.”
LSU Press Conference Tablecloth Enters Transfer Portal After Being Blamed for Program’s Image Problems
LSU’s press conference tablecloth has officially entered the transfer portal after being blamed for the school’s latest optics crisis, citing “unrealistic expectations” and “a toxic work environment.”
Governor Assumes Roles of LSU President, AD, and Head Football Coach, Rebrands It as Landry State University
Governor Jeff Landry has officially taken over LSU, assuming the roles of president, athletic director, and head coach in what he calls a “streamlined model of leadership efficiency.”
Local Dry Cleaners Rejoice as James Carville Vows to Burn His 1997 LSU Polo Collection
Local dry cleaners across Baton Rouge say they’ve never been happier than hearing James Carville will finally burn his decades-old LSU polos. “They were more sweat than shirt,” one cleaner admitted, calling it a “major victory for fabric and sanity.”
Entire LSU Football Program Revealed to Be Advanced EA Sports Simulation Being Operated by Nick Saban
A whistleblower found the Tiger Stadium control console running an EA Sports simulation coded entirely by Nick Saban.
Meta’s $10 Billion Louisiana Data Center Now $27 Billion After State Adds “Miscellaneous” Line Item
Louisiana’s $10 billion Meta project ballooned to $27 billion after state officials added a single “miscellaneous” line item that cost more than the original facility.
Trump Agrees to Pick LSU Football Coach If Landry Promises to Replace the Tiger Eye With His Portrait at Midfield
Governor Jeff Landry is rumored to have accepted Trump’s offer to select LSU’s next coach in exchange for a few “minor artistic liberties.” The President wants his portrait painted at midfield, complete with glowing eyes and a celestial victory halo.
Jeff Landry Seizes Control of New Orleans Saints, Declares Himself Acting Head Coach Until Further Notice
Governor Jeff Landry declared an executive order seizing control of the New Orleans Saints after another crushing loss, naming himself Acting Head Coach “until further notice.”
Jeff Landry Asks FEMA to Declare Brian Kelly’s Contract a Disaster, Calls on Trump to Force Them to Pay the Buyout
Jeff Landry is calling in FEMA and Donald Trump to deal with what he calls “a man-made catastrophe,” Brian Kelly’s contract. The governor says he’s confident Trump “can negotiate this buyout like it’s a New York hotel remodel.”
Ethics Board Says Collecting $2.7 Million in Outstanding Ethics Fines Would Set Dangerous Precedent of Accountability
Auditors found $2.7 million in unpaid ethics fines, but the Louisiana Ethics Board says it’s choosing a “gentler approach” hoping offenders “just feel bad eventually.”
Governor Landry Approves Ban on AI, Says Louisiana Will Remain “Proudly Behind the Curve”
Louisiana banned AI in state offices this week, with Governor Jeff Landry vowing to keep the state “proudly behind the curve.” State employees are now ordered to stick to cursive, fax machines, and old relatives who “know computers.”
Trump Suggests Governor Landry Deploy National Guard to Replace Saints Offensive Line
Trump proposed Governor Jeff Landry deploy the National Guard to the Superdome, claiming soldiers would provide “tremendous discipline” and “no false starts.” Landry didn’t rule it out, hinting that public safety now includes preventing Rattler from being sacked every other play.
In Historic First, New Orleans Democrats Courageously Reject Government Assistance
Helena Moreno and her colleagues made history by refusing government help, proving Democrats can say no to Washington, so long as it’s law enforcement offering aid. Criminals celebrated the move, praising City Hall for defending their right to operate without interruption.
Senator Duplessis Declares Crisis After State Left with Only 98.5% of Its National Guard
Senator Royce Duplessis has declared Louisiana “in crisis” after Governor Landry sent 135 Guardsmen to D.C. leaving only 98.5% of the Guard at home. Critics say Duplessis may be the first politician in history to treat basic math as a natural disaster.
Landry Sends Troops to D.C., Because New Orleans Clearly Has Things Under Control
Governor Jeff Landry deployed the Louisiana National Guard to Washington, D.C., leaving New Orleans residents wondering why the “murder capital of America” didn’t get the help first. Locals joked the Guard might only show up in the city if they got lost on the way home.
Landry: DMV Excited to Replace Old Confusing Process With New, Sleeker Confusing Process
Governor Jeff Landry says Louisiana’s new OMV software will “revolutionize” the DMV experience by replacing the old confusing system with a modern, equally confusing one only sleeker and in high definition.
Landry Names Head of Office of Highway Construction, Start Date TBD After 15 Year Feasibility Study
Governor Landry has named a director for Louisiana’s new Office of Highway Construction, but the job won’t start until at least 2040, pending an 11-year feasibility study on whether the office should exist at all.
Landry Removes Dead People from Welfare Rolls, Inadvertently Wipes Out a Third of Democratic Voters
Governor Jeff Landry’s push to purge the dead from Louisiana’s welfare rolls has sparked unintended political fallout—namely, the accidental removal of one of the state’s most loyal Democratic voting blocs: the deceased.
‘I’ll Sign Any Insurance Bill,’ Says Governor Who Immediately Doesn’t
Louisiana’s governor promised to sign “any” insurance bill—then vetoed the first one that reached him. Homeowners are left with high premiums and higher blood pressure.
LSU Board Unanimously Selects Dr. Geoffry Landreau as New President
LSU’s newly appointed president, Dr. Geoffry Landreau, has announced a bold new vision: energy firm partnerships, a Buc-ee’s on campus, and a Trump statue—because nothing says higher education like brisket, branding, and oil diplomacy.
State Celebrates 50 Years of Monitoring Capitol Lake Toxicity by Adding a New Sign
After decades of toxic buildup and government foot-dragging, Louisiana finally acknowledged Capitol Lakes with something tangible: a new sign that warns residents the water is dangerous—just in a more “official” font.
Governor Landry Thanks Giacometto for Turning DEQ into a Case Study on Employee Turnover
In a uniquely optimistic spin, Governor Landry praised Giacometto’s legacy of mass resignations at DEQ, calling it “streamlined workforce development” and noting she left behind “a more breathable office and several thousand unread emails.”
Louisiana Governor to Slash Insurance Rates by Switching Entire State to Liability Only
In an effort to fix Louisiana’s insurance crisis without actually fixing anything, Governor Jeff Landry announced a statewide shift to liability-only coverage. Residents will now enjoy the peace of mind that comes from knowing they’re not covered, but at least it’s cheaper.
Landry Begins Insurance Overhaul with Task Force to Study Why Nothing Ever Gets Overhauled
A 17-member committee has been formed to investigate why insurance reform never happens. Naturally, the first step is hiring consultants to explain why previous consultants were ineffective.
Louisiana Legislature Promises Action This Session, Just Not the Kind That Helps Anyone
The 2025 Louisiana legislative session opened with a promise of action—mostly involving commemorative license plates, symbolic bills, and a remarkable refusal to address anything remotely useful for the average taxpayer.
Morris Bart Questions High Insurance Rates While Standing on Literal Pile of Settlement Checks
Morris Bart took to social media to speak about high insurance rates—while standing on a pile of checks tall enough to qualify as a traffic hazard. Some say irony isn’t dead, it’s just very well compensated.
Landry’s Insurance Reform Plan Starts With Reducing the Number of Altimas on the Road
After years of blaming trial lawyers for Louisiana’s outrageous insurance rates, Governor Landry is now targeting Nissan Altimas, citing their “cultural impact on collisions” in a plan backed by Gordon McKernan.
Louisiana Unveils New Insurance Strategy: Just Keep Talking About It Until Voters Die
Louisiana officials unveiled their newest plan to address skyrocketing insurance: talk about it in endless loops until voters either forget, move away, or die trying to afford their auto premiums.
Governor Landry Frees Oil Companies from ‘Unnecessary Burden’ of Saving Louisiana’s Coastline
“If God didn’t want us to drill next to pelicans, He wouldn’t have put them so close to the rigs,” Governor Landry said, moments before a wave swallowed half the podium. Lobbyists applauded the bold leadership.
Landry Freezes Hiring, Tells Agencies to “Just Google How to Do Everything”
In a move sure to confuse both bureaucrats and IT departments, Jeff Landry has partnered with Google—well, used Google—to slash hiring costs. Staff are now told to “just search it” when facing emergencies.