BATON ROUGE, LA – Following a string of indictments that left offices increasingly quiet and filing cabinets suspiciously empty, the Capital Area Transit System announced Monday that it had promoted longtime bus driver Mr. Jones to CEO after determining he was the only remaining employee not under investigation.
According to officials, the decision came after a routine organizational chart review revealed that every executive position above “driver” was either vacant, indicted, or “in the process of retaining counsel.” Mr. Jones, who has driven Route 12 since 1988, reportedly rose to the top of the leadership pool simply by not getting indicted.
“Was he qualified?” asked a CATS spokesperson. “No. But he was present, punctual, and had not been contacted by the FBI, which put him well ahead of the field.”
Jones said the promotion came as a surprise, noting that he learned of his new role when his dispatcher handed him a temporary CEO badge and asked him to approve a budget “real quick.”
As CEO, Jones plans to focus on achievable goals such as keeping buses running, avoiding wire fraud, and answering questions without the phrase “I’ve been advised not to comment.”
Jones later admitted the role felt overwhelming but said it still seemed easier than explaining late buses to angry commuters.
