BATON ROUGE, LA – In a move that has city officials scratching their heads, East Baton Rouge EMS has hired the man who stole an ambulance early Tuesday morning, citing his “unmatched response time” and “strong decision-making under pressure.”
“He covered more ground in 8 minutes than we do in a whole shift,” said one EMS official. “And with fewer accidents. That kind of restraint is rare around here.”
The official added, “He only hit two vehicles, which is 1 less than our agency average. Honestly, that alone got him to the second round of interviews.”
The suspect, whose name remains undisclosed but has already been verified on TikTok, was bonded out quickly and issued a provisional supervisor badge laminated at a nearby Office Depot.
Camera footage shows him weaving through traffic, ignoring red lights, and confidently using the siren “at all the right moments,” according to internal notes. “Honestly, we’ve seen worse from certified staff,” the agency admitted.
Sources say the man is reconsidering the offer after learning he’d technically be working under the Baton Rouge Fire Department. “I don’t think I can handle sitting around watching The Price is Right and downing eight cups of black coffee before 10 AM,” he said.
