BATON ROUGE, La. – In a bold move to protect the real endangered species in Louisiana—oil companies—Governor Jeff Landry announced the state is withdrawing from a federal agreement aimed at safeguarding the coast from industrial damage.
“The coastline will come and go,” Landry said at a press conference held on a slowly eroding sandbar. “But ExxonMobil is forever.”
The agreement, which encouraged cooperation between state and federal agencies to protect fragile wetlands and reduce pollution in the Mississippi River, was deemed by Landry as “excessive government overreach” that might “inconvenience” valuable corporate partners.
Landry assured voters that the free market and the occasional lawsuit would be more than enough to handle coastal erosion, rising sea levels, and the slow disappearance of entire towns.
“Look, if God didn’t want us to drill next to pelicans, He wouldn’t have put them so close to the rigs,” he added.
Landry’s administration reassured voters that even if the coastline disappears entirely, the oil rigs will still be above water—and that’s what matters.
