New College Drive Exit Ramp Promises ‘Faster Access to Traffic You Already Hate’
After years of construction delays and driver complaints, Baton Rouge has unveiled its new College Drive exit ramp—just in time to funnel commuters into the same traffic they’ve always loathed. DOTD says it will “dramatically enhance the experience of going nowhere,” promising faster access to brake lights, honking, and existential regret.
River Bend Nuclear Plant Replaces Emergency Sirens with Facebook Posts Nobody Will See
The River Bend Nuclear Plant has traded its decades-old emergency sirens for Facebook posts, assuming a potential meltdown won’t get lost between crawfish boil photos and conspiracy memes. Officials say this modern approach will “streamline communication,” though critics argue it mostly streamlines the odds of everyone dying while waiting for their newsfeed to refresh.
BREC Officials Admit They Forgot About Central’s Parks, Cite ‘Map Was Folded Over’
BREC officials admitted this week they forgot Central had parks at all, blaming a decades-old map with a crease over the area. As Central moves to reclaim control, BREC insists on keeping fuel allocations for parks it neglected—citing audit traditions. Locals just want kids to stop needing tetanus shots after going down the slide.
Watson Woman Claims Bear Was Her Ex in Disguise Trying to See the Kids Again
A Watson woman insists the bear spotted near her home was actually her ex-husband in disguise, trying to see their kids. “I knew it was him by the way he shuffled,” she said. Deputies couldn’t confirm either way, but she’s filed a restraining order—against the bear, just in case.
Ford Now Selling F-150 Raptors to China as ‘Luxury Housing Units on Wheels’ to Skirt Tariff Rules
In response to China’s crushing 150% tariffs on U.S. vehicles, Ford has rebranded its F-150 Raptor trucks as “Luxury Housing Units” to bypass import taxes. The new classification allows the massive pickups to enter the country under affordable housing exemptions, prompting applause from developers and confusion from housing regulators.
DA’s Office Seeks Taxpayer Funding to Help Judges Release Violent Criminals More Efficiently
Baton Rouge voters are being asked to fund the DA’s office with $1.5 million so it can file charges judges have no intention of honoring. The goal? Faster turnaround times for the city’s most efficient revolving door: the 19th Judicial District Court.
With Insurance and Transportation Unsolved, LA Legislator Tackles State’s Real Crisis: LSU Kickoff Times
Rep. John Illg (District 78) has filed legislation urging the SEC to stop scheduling LSU home games during peak heat hours. While the state grapples with crumbling infrastructure and skyrocketing insurance, lawmakers are bravely confronting the real threat: sweaty tailgaters. The bill marks Louisiana’s toughest stand yet against the sun.
After Losing $248 Million, LA Health Dept. Rebrands as a Nonprofit to Better Reflect Lack of Oversight
After an audit flagged $248 million in undocumented Medicaid spending, the Louisiana Department of Health announced it would rebrand as a nonprofit—citing its long-running tradition of ignoring federal requirements, submitting inaccurate reports, and failing basic oversight practices as justification.
LADOTD Leases Florida Blvd. at Rushmore Intersection to Jeep For Off Road Testing
LADOTD has struck a deal with Chrysler to turn the intersection of Florida and Rushmore into a Jeep Wrangler proving ground. Engineers will monitor suspensions while local residents watch from a safe distance, relieved they’re no longer the guinea pigs.
City of Baton Rouge Launches “Adopt-a-Pothole” Program, Includes Party Permit and 10×10 Pop Up
Baton Rouge’s latest revenue strategy involves leasing potholes for birthday parties and football tailgates. Officials say it’s cheaper than fixing them, and proceeds will be used to cover deficits left by the last administration. Attorney Gordon McKernan has even offered to sponsor potholes in exchange for tagged selfies with his yard signs.
New Proposal Would Replace Inspection Stickers With Front-End Alignment Checks
Louisiana lawmakers are floating a bill to replace traditional vehicle inspections with monthly alignment checkups—because at this point, if your wheels are still straight, you’re already a survivor of the state’s infrastructure gauntlet.
Louisiana Governor to Slash Insurance Rates by Switching Entire State to Liability Only
In an effort to fix Louisiana’s insurance crisis without actually fixing anything, Governor Jeff Landry announced a statewide shift to liability-only coverage. Residents will now enjoy the peace of mind that comes from knowing they’re not covered, but at least it’s cheaper.
New Juvenile Detention Center Will Include Escapee Leaderboard to Encourage Competition
Baton Rouge’s new juvenile detention center will feature an “Escapee Leaderboard,” rewarding youths for creative getaways. City officials call it “gamified rehabilitation,” while critics call it “just a scoreboard for our failure.” Bonus points awarded for dodging traffic near Florida Boulevard.
Metro Baton Rouge Drivers Form Road Construction Fantasy League, Cash in on Delays
Fed up with never-ending delays, Baton Rouge drivers are turning construction chaos into competition. The Metro Baton Rouge Road Construction Fantasy League lets locals draft real LADOTD projects and score points on delays, budget increases, and how often workers pretend to be busy.
Landry Begins Insurance Overhaul with Task Force to Study Why Nothing Ever Gets Overhauled
A 17-member committee has been formed to investigate why insurance reform never happens. Naturally, the first step is hiring consultants to explain why previous consultants were ineffective.
Pelicans Fire Griffin After Setting Record for ‘Most Games Played in the Fetal Position’
After a season defined by injuries, fourth-quarter fades, and a growing existential dread, the Pelicans fired Griffin for building a roster that moonlighted as a support group.
Ponchatoula to Rename Festival ‘The Running of the Strawberries’ in Honor of Annual Chaos
In a move equal parts celebration and crisis management, Ponchatoula has officially renamed its beloved Strawberry Festival to The Running of the Strawberries—honoring the cherished local tradition of dodging both funnel cake grease and flying fists.
Louisiana Legislature Promises Action This Session, Just Not the Kind That Helps Anyone
The 2025 Louisiana legislative session opened with a promise of action—mostly involving commemorative license plates, symbolic bills, and a remarkable refusal to address anything remotely useful for the average taxpayer.
Morris Bart Questions High Insurance Rates While Standing on Literal Pile of Settlement Checks
Morris Bart took to social media to speak about high insurance rates—while standing on a pile of checks tall enough to qualify as a traffic hazard. Some say irony isn’t dead, it’s just very well compensated.
Greenstein Returns as Landry’s Health Secretary, Promises to Be ‘Less Indictable’ This Time
Bruce Greenstein, who once left his state post under a cloud of indictment, is back—because in Louisiana, redemption means rehiring the guy who already knows where the contracts are buried.
Locals Add Comite Diversion Completion to ‘List of Things Less Likely Than an LSU Season With No Arrests’
Locals recently added the Comite Diversion Canal’s actual completion to the same list as an LSU football season with no arrests—right between “affordable insurance” and “a functional city council.”
Livingston Motorists Shocked to Learn Juban Construction Crew is Just 12 Cardboard Cutouts
Juban Road drivers thought construction workers were just standing around again—turns out they weren’t standing at all. LADOTD replaced them with cardboard cutouts months ago, and no one noticed until now.
Landry’s Insurance Reform Plan Starts With Reducing the Number of Altimas on the Road
After years of blaming trial lawyers for Louisiana’s outrageous insurance rates, Governor Landry is now targeting Nissan Altimas, citing their “cultural impact on collisions” in a plan backed by Gordon McKernan.
Impact Charter Students Offered Crash Course in How Not to Run a School—Using Their Own
Impact Charter is being evicted, and its students are learning that “Education Explosion” wasn’t just a name—it was the business model.
City Council’s New Motto: ‘Til Debt Do Us Part’—Alimony Tax to Mend Municipal Finances
Baton Rouge officials have a bold new plan to fix the budget—taxing the already emotionally bankrupt. The alimony tax is back, and this time, it’s not just personal. It’s painfully civic.
Louisiana Unveils New Insurance Strategy: Just Keep Talking About It Until Voters Die
Louisiana officials unveiled their newest plan to address skyrocketing insurance: talk about it in endless loops until voters either forget, move away, or die trying to afford their auto premiums.
Mitch Landrieu Tells GOP to ‘Wake Up’—City of New Orleans Still in Coma from His Administration
Mitch Landrieu, the former mayor best known for removing statues and accomplishing little else, told Republicans to “wake up”—from the same man whose political instincts led him to endorse Kamala Harris into irrelevance.
Keep Tiger Town Beautiful Accidentally Picks Up, Disposes of Entire Motel 6 on Siegen Lane
Keep Tiger Town Beautiful accidentally cleaned up more than just litter this week—they removed an entire Motel 6 from Siegen Lane, mistaking it for an abandoned dump site. No one’s complaining. Not even the sheriff’s department.
Governor Landry Frees Oil Companies from ‘Unnecessary Burden’ of Saving Louisiana’s Coastline
“If God didn’t want us to drill next to pelicans, He wouldn’t have put them so close to the rigs,” Governor Landry said, moments before a wave swallowed half the podium. Lobbyists applauded the bold leadership.
Baton Rouge Police Praise Car Thief’s Honesty for Using Real Name on Facebook Marketplace Listing
A local car thief took bold to new heights by listing a stolen Honda online under his full legal name. Police say they appreciated the honesty—and the GPS-enabled arrest. The victim? Shocked. The car? Still had his fries.