Escaped Tulane Research Monkeys File HIPAA Lawsuit Over Medical Record Leak
Escaped research monkeys are suing Louisiana media outlets for allegedly leaking their medical records. The lawsuit cites “irreparable emotional distress” and a “loss of public reputation,” with lawyers demanding both damages and a formal apology written in sign language.
Helena Moreno Says No to Fiscal Oversight: “We’re Not Ready for That Kind of Stability Yet”
New Orleans leaders withdrew their $125M bond request, rejecting state oversight as “too stabilizing for our culture of chaos.”
Governor Jeff Landry Issues Executive Order Requiring All Sadvocate Articles Be Approved by His Office Before Publication
Louisiana’s new Department of Satirical Oversight will reportedly review The Sadvocate’s headlines for “heresy, sarcasm, and unnecessary references to Cane’s sauce.”
HIV-Infected Monkeys From Tulane Escape Into Mississippi, Boost State’s Average IQ by Historic Margin
Mississippi health officials confirmed that escaped Tulane monkeys, reportedly infected with several diseases, have accidentally improved the state’s average IQ.
Trump Agrees to Pick LSU Football Coach If Landry Promises to Replace the Tiger Eye With His Portrait at Midfield
Governor Jeff Landry is rumored to have accepted Trump’s offer to select LSU’s next coach in exchange for a few “minor artistic liberties.” The President wants his portrait painted at midfield, complete with glowing eyes and a celestial victory halo.
LSU Appoints DOTD Head to Oversee Brian Kelly Buyout, Guarantees It’ll Drag Out Until at Least 2034
LSU has turned to the one Louisiana agency truly qualified to stretch a project beyond all reason: DOTD. Officials say the buyout should be complete just in time for Kelly’s grandchildren to receive the final payment.
Governor’s Mansion Expansion Includes Cane’s Dining Hall, Dedicated Drive Thru Lane for Political Allies
Governor Jeff Landry unveiled plans for a Raising Cane’s expansion at the Louisiana Governor’s Mansion, complete with portraits, a Cane’s Sauce fountain, and a “Leadership Combo” meal that comes with a key to his private hunting camp. The drive-thru will reportedly serve “political allies first.”
Nick Saban Open to LSU Return If Contract Includes ‘No Sadvocate Memes’ Clause
BATON ROUGE, LA – In a shocking twist that’s sent Tiger Nation into a frenzy, sources close to LSU’s athletic department confirmed that Nick Saban is “open to discussion” about returning to Baton Rouge provided the university agrees to guarantee him complete immunity from being made into memes and having fake news articles written about […]
Cantrell Announces Plan to “Preserve Authenticity” by Letting Bourbon Street Collapse Naturally
Mayor LaToya Cantrell has unveiled a plan to “preserve the authenticity” of New Orleans nightlife by letting Bourbon Street decay naturally a preservation strategy that relies less on funding and more on physics.
Governor Landry Clarifies LSU Statue Suggestion, Meant Captain Kirk, Not Charlie
Governor Jeff Landry clarified his earlier statue proposal, explaining he’d meant Captain Kirk from Star Trek, not conservative pundit Charlie Kirk.
Half of Congressional Map Protestors Arrive Late After Misreading Map With Directions to Capitol
A demonstration to defend Louisiana’s congressional map took an ironic turn Monday when half the crowd couldn’t find the Capitol, after using the very map they were fighting to keep.
LSU Cancels Ticket Price Hike Amid Backlash, Introduces Mandatory $35 Fee to Leave Stadium
After criticism of rising game-day costs, LSU announced a new policy: no increase to ticket prices, but a mandatory $35 Stadium Exit Fee will be charged when fans leave the game.
Scott Woodward Applies for Student Loan to Pay Kelly Buyout Because Technically Its an Expensive Lesson
LSU Athletic Director Scott Woodward has reportedly applied for a federal student loan to fund Brian Kelly’s buyout, calling it “a hands-on course in catastrophic financial planning.”
Brian Kelly Seen Exiting Tiger Stadium Late in 3rd Quarter “To Avoid the Rush”
LSU Head Coach Brian Kelly was reportedly seen leaving Tiger Stadium before the game ended, citing “unmanageable postgame traffic.”
LSU Fraternities Shocked to Learn They’re Responsible for Everything Bad That Happens Within a Two-Mile Radius
After two shootings involving non-students, Louisiana’s Senate President called for a ban on fraternity tailgating, prompting students to wonder if they’d soon be blamed for traffic, humidity, or the Saints’ offensive line.
LSU Raises Ticket Prices to Help Fans Feel Like They’re Suffering at an Elite Level
LSU’s Board of Supervisors approved new ticket and parking price increases to ensure fans continue “suffering at the highest standard possible.”
Experts Confirm James Carville’s Entire Personality Now Powered Exclusively by Trump’s Existence
Political analysts say Democratic strategist James Carville has entered a rare psychological state known as Trump Dependency Syndrome, where every thought, emotion, and measurable brainwave is triggered exclusively by the former president’s continued existence.
Senator Hodges Urges Citizens to Report Chemtrails, UFOs, and Anyone Claiming The Earth is Round
Louisiana Senator Valarie Hodges has expanded her chemtrail concerns to include UFOs and “dangerous misinformation” suggesting the Earth is round.
LSU Students Warn Closing Unity Field to Tailgaters Could Push Violence to Less Convenient Locations
LSU students are pushing back against the closure of Unity Field, claiming the decision unfairly forces local violence to move to less convenient parts of campus.
New Orleans Official Seen in Line at Ace Cash Express Holding Utility Bill and Proof of Residence
New Orleans city officials were seen waiting in line at Ace Cash Express this week, holding utility bills and pleading for an advance to cover payroll
Tiffany Foxworth-Roberts Said As the World’s First Kidney Transplant Surgeon, She’s Appalled at How She’s Being Treated by the Courts
Judge Tiffany Foxworth-Roberts defended herself this week by claiming she was “the world’s first kidney transplant surgeon,” a title not previously associated with the Baton Rouge judiciary. She expressed outrage at the Louisiana Supreme Court’s “disrespect toward medical pioneers.”
Saints Officially End Political Division in Louisiana After Left and Right Both Agree They Suck
After years of bitter political division, Louisiana has finally united, over how terrible the Saints are. Both parties came together Sunday to condemn the team’s fifth straight loss, calling it “a unifying tragedy” and awarding them the Louisiana Medal of Mutual Disappointment.
Airbnb Honors 19th JDC with ‘Most Short-Term Stays’ Award for EBR Parish Prison Partnership
The 19th Judicial District Court was honored by Airbnb this week for transforming incarceration into a “flexible lodging experience,” complete with express checkouts and no accountability fees.
Jeff Landry Seizes Control of New Orleans Saints, Declares Himself Acting Head Coach Until Further Notice
Governor Jeff Landry declared an executive order seizing control of the New Orleans Saints after another crushing loss, naming himself Acting Head Coach “until further notice.”
‘No Kings’ Movement Claims Full Success This Morning as Zero Kings Reported Nationwide
The “No Kings” movement flooded social media this morning, declaring victory after confirming that no monarchs currently rule the United States, a condition that, according to historians, has existed since 1776.
Jeff Landry Asks FEMA to Declare Brian Kelly’s Contract a Disaster, Calls on Trump to Force Them to Pay the Buyout
Jeff Landry is calling in FEMA and Donald Trump to deal with what he calls “a man-made catastrophe,” Brian Kelly’s contract. The governor says he’s confident Trump “can negotiate this buyout like it’s a New York hotel remodel.”
Officials Brace for Dozens as ‘No Pharaohs’ Protest Hits Downtown Baton Rouge Sunday
The “No Pharaohs” demonstrators say they’re not stopping until every trace of ancient Egyptian influence is removed from U.S. politics, or until someone finally explains to them that there isn’t any.
Baton Rouge Airport Director Confirms Broadcast Suspension After Baby in Pampers Ad Seen Waving American Flag
Baton Rouge’s publicly funded airport is taking censorship to new heights, first blocking Kristi Noem’s video, now grounding a baby for waving the flag.
State Suspends Carbon Capture Over Safety Concerns, Approves 19 New Chemical Plants Instead
Governor Jeff Landry’s new moratorium on carbon capture aims to “protect public safety” while the state quietly approves nineteen chemical plants that will release the same emissions.
State Police to Deploy Taco Bell Pop-Ups on North Side of Campus to Deter Anyone Stoned From Entering During Home Games
LSU’s new safety plan includes 12 mobile Taco Bell pop-ups meant to lure “munchies-motivated individuals” off campus before trouble starts.