ST. FRANCISVILLE, LA – After decades of noble service overseeing absolutely nothing, a bill to dissolve the West Feliciana Port Commission is making its way through the Capitol—prompting mild confusion and even milder protest from residents who just now learned it existed.
Louisiana House Bill 94 by Rep. Jeremy LaCombe and Sen. Glen Womack came after parish officials reportedly “double-checked Google Maps” and confirmed that West Feliciana Parish does not, in fact, contain a port. The realization followed increased scrutiny over a recent no-bid land sale tied to a future data center—a project that raised eyebrows, mostly because it happened in broad daylight.
“Once we realized our port was imaginary,” said one unnamed official, “we figured it was time to free up those resources for more realistic endeavors—like selling public land to tech companies for 1987 prices.”
Parish President Kenny Havard praised the move as a long-overdue modernization of government, calling the commission redundant, outdated, and annoyingly inquisitive.
Former commission members were unavailable for comment but did release a brief statement written in dry erase marker on a whiteboard left in the abandoned office that read “We told y’all this shit looked sketchy.”
With the Port Commission out of the way, parish officials say they now have more time to focus on West Feliciana’s beachfront property development plan.
