NEW ORLEANS, La. – With New Orleans losing residents at an alarming rate, Mayor LaToya Cantrell has unveiled a new public safety initiative: criminalizing the act of leaving. Under the “Stay Where You At” ordinance, police will arrest anyone caught packing moving boxes, renting a U-Haul, or canceling their Entergy account.

“Ain’t nobody leaving MY city without permission!” Cantrell declared during a press conference, held just before she boarded a first-class flight to Dubai. “We ain’t got a crime problem—we got a loyalty problem! Y’all need to be dedicated like me. I been here for—well, you know, when I ain’t handling ‘official business’ in Europe.”

The city’s crime rate remains one of the highest in the nation, but Cantrell insisted this has nothing to do with the exodus. “Look, them shootings, carjackings, and home invasions ain’t even that bad. Y’all just dramatic,” she said, stepping over a pile of litter and three bodies.

The mayor also reassured citizens that while longtime residents are leaving, the city is actively replacing them. “Every weekend, Bourbon Street brings in enough confused tourists to keep the numbers steady,” she said, adding that anyone too drunk to find their hotel is automatically counted as a resident.